


Broken and Dysfunctional Heart

by Miffy



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Infidelity, Multi, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-26
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-11 08:08:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 53,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4427834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miffy/pseuds/Miffy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katniss Everdeen gets news that shatters her world: the life she’s leading has a chance of ending sooner than later. All of her loved ones try their best to help her in the best ways they can, but it’s a new acquaintance named Peeta Mellark, that gives her the hope she can survive. But is Katniss, the girl who swore of love, ready and able to love him with her entire heart? Or is her heart just too broken and dysfunctional?</p><p>(SEE ADDITIONAL TAGS FOR A HEADS UP)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lightning Bolt

‘So.. when are we going on a date?’ Thom asks me while I put on my bra.  
‘You know my rules – no dates, no gifts, no pet names. Or anything romantic. We are just two colleagues who use each other’s bodies to get some relief’ I answer.  
‘And that has been fun, but I’d really like to take you out. To see if this can go anywhere’ he says, sounding a little to hopeful for my liking.  
‘Thom! I told you from the beginning that this would be something casual, nothing more. Don’t ask me to do something I don’t want to do’ I say annoyed.  
‘So you don’t even want to grab a cup of coffee somewhere? Is the thought of going on a date with me so repulsive to you?’ he says upset.  
‘It’s not you. You’re funny, smart and kind and I’m sure you’ll make someone else incredibly happy, just not me. I just don’t want to date. Anyone. Period’  
‘Why not?’  
‘I like being on my own’ I answer quietly. It’s only half of the truth, but he doesn’t need to know the other half.  
‘Then we probably should stop with.. this’ he says and he points to me and then to himself.  
‘Why?’ I ask and I whine a little. ‘You’re not seeing anyone and the sex is good’  
‘Yes, the sex is _great_ , but I want more than just to be a booty call’  
I sigh. ‘I understand, but you know you can go on dates with other women and still have casual sex with me sometimes’  
‘Katniss..’  
‘Come on, this is like the dream of every man. Only sex, no strings’ I say smiling a little, trying to persuade him. I love having sex and I’m not ready to give Thom up as my booty call just yet. Not as long as he’s single and still wants to have these rendezvous together. ‘Don’t you _like_ having sex?’  
‘Of course I do, but-‘ he says, before I cut him off.  
‘Then let’s keep having sex, until we don’t want to anymore. I know you still want to, otherwise you wouldn’t have made those noises just a couple of minutes ago’ I say smiling.  
Thom blushes. ‘True..’ he reluctantly admits.  
I check my phone. It’s almost 3pm. ‘I have to go meet a friend. I’ll see you at work Monday, okay?’  
‘Sure. Nice weekend’ Thom says, still looking a little upset, before I close his bedroom door behind me and take my leave.

 

 ******

 

 

‘Hey, Kitty Kat’ Finnick, my closest friend in this whole wide world, greets me at the entrance of Stars and Bucks, a cheap knock-off coffee place. He knows I hate the nickname, but after he’s been using it for 18 years, it has become a nasty habit. It doesn’t annoy me like it used to.  
‘Do you even know my actual name?’ I joke, while I give him a hug.  
‘I’m not sure if the world would keep spinning if I’d use Katniss instead of Kitty Kat and I don’t want to take that chance’ he jokes. ‘I have to think about the safety of my family after all’  
‘Yes, how is Annie? How’s Adam doing?’ Adam is his and his wife Annie's son. We walk into Stars and Bucks to order a coffee and a donut like we do every Saturday.  
Finnick sighs. ‘He really is in his terrible twos.. He cries and screams a lot when he’s not getting his way and when he gets angry he acts out. The other day he found the butter on the countertop and he covered everything he could reach with the butter. It was such a mess..’  
It’s our turn to order. Finnick knows my order by heart (a latte and a donut with sprinkles), so he orders for the two of us and then he pays.  
‘No, I’m paying!’ I say annoyed. He pays way to often in my opinion.  
‘Too late’ he says grinning and he gives the barista the money.  
‘You pay way to often’ I complain when we walk to a table so we can finish our conversation sitting in peace.  
‘Kitty Kat, it’s 6 bucks. It’s not killing me to pay for it and it’s not killing you to accept this coffee from your best friend’  
‘Fine’ I reluctantly say. I hate it when people pay for my things. It makes me feel like I owe them, even though I know it’s ridiculous to feel this way when my best friend gets me a coffee. ‘What are you guys going to do for dinner tonight?’  
‘I don’t know. Why?’ Finnick asks.  
‘Want to do a pizza night? I’ll pay’  
‘As a thank you for the coffee?’ Finnick smiles and shakes his head. ‘You don’t-‘  
‘And the donut’ I cut him off. ‘And not just as a thank you, but also because I want to have pizza tonight and it’s more fun to eat it with my best friends and my favourite two year old’  
‘I’ll text Annie’ Finnick says and he starts typing.  
‘Speaking of my favourite two year old, where were you when Adam was covering everything in butter?’ I ask.  
‘At work’  
‘And Annie?’  
‘She was in the bathroom’ Finnick laughingly says. I laugh too.  
‘Poor Annie.. How’s she?’  
‘She’s doing okay, but she really misses her job as a flight attendant and Adam can drive her nuts sometimes’  
_I’d go nuts too if I was her…_  
‘Give her some flowers when you get home. That’ll cheer her up’ I advise.  
Finnick nods. ‘Good idea, Kitty Kat’ Finnick says.  
I roll my eyes at him for using the nickname, what makes him laugh.

 

******

 

‘Katniss!’ Annie yells when I walk through the door. She squeezes me in a tight hug.  
‘Hey Annie, thank you for having me over’ I say. ‘The pizza will be here any minute, I already ordered’  
‘Good, I’m starving’ It’s already eight o’clock, because Annie and Finnick wanted to eat a little later, so we could have a grown-ups only dinner.  
‘Wine?’ Annie asks.  
‘Yes, please!’ I answer.  
‘Finnick is already at the patio. You can go to him, I’ll be right behind you’ Annie says.  
I make my way to their backyard. It’s a great evening to eat outside. It’s not to cold and the sky is clear, so we can really enjoy the starry sky. Finnick is looking at the stars. He’s so deep in thought he doesn’t hear me coming, but then again, I do have a very light tread.  
‘Finnick’ I say.  
He looks up at me and he gives me a sparkling smile. ‘Kitty Kat’  
‘What were you thinking about?’ I ask.  
‘O..’ his smile falters a bit. ‘Nothing much’  
I don’t believe him and we never kept things from each other, but I don’t press him. I decide to take his mind of the thing that’s apparently bothering him. ‘Starry skies like this always remember me of the nights we spend as teenagers camping at the lake’ I say. _And one night in particular, but I won’t bring that one up. Ever._  
He chuckles. ‘Yeah me too. Those were the good days’  
‘Yes.. But now you’re living the great days’ I say, eyeing him. He’s still looking at the stars.  
‘Right’ he says, but before I can say something more, Annie joins us with a bottle of wine and the pizza.  
‘The pizza’s here!’ she says joyfully.

‘So, it’s time for some girl talk!’ Annie demands. Finnick cringes and I laugh at his immature reaction.  
‘How’s it going with that guy?’ Annie asks me.  
‘What guy?’ I ask while stuffing myself with pizza.  
‘That colleague’ she says.  
‘O? Thom? You know just as well as I that there’s nothing going on with him. It’s just casual sex, nothing more’  
‘And there isn’t anyone else?’ Annie asks, sounding hopeful.  
‘No and there will never be someone else. You know I’m not the relationship kind’ I pour myself another wine.  
‘Maybe you would be if you met the right person’ Annie says between bites.  
‘Yeah..’ Finnick says, with a weak smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. He grabs his beer and finishes it in one go.  
‘Probably not Annie. Promise me you won’t count on it!’ I say annoyed.  
‘Annie can you pass me a beer?’ Finnick asks his wife.  
‘I’m not!’ she assures me while she gives Finnick his beer. ‘It’s just that you make us all very happy and I believe you can make a certain someone very happy someday’  
I roll my eyes, but smile. ‘You’re a hopeless romantic’  
‘And you’re so good with Adam!’ Annie enthusiastically continues. ‘You would be a really good moth-‘  
‘I already did my fair share of parenting when I was a teenager, Annie. I don’t want to do it again’  
‘Okay, next subject’ Finnick says. ‘When are we having dinner with Gale and Madge again?’  
‘Next week!’ Annie yells excitedly. She even claps her hands. ‘Adam is staying with my parents, so we can have a real night out. A good meal, some booze, pot and poker!’  
I laugh. ‘I can see you’re really looking forward to it!’  
‘Not just looking forward to it Katniss, I need this! I love Adam so much, but sometimes he’s driving me insane!’  
‘Yes, the terrible two’s.. Finnick told me’  
‘Did he tell you the butter story?’ she asks me. When I nod she continues. ‘It was horrible! I still can’t get it out of the couch!’ she says, sounding desperate.  
‘Try doing the pillowcases in the laundry machine. That saved me one time’ I advise her.  
‘Yeah, I could try that’  
‘And I have good news if you can’t get the butter stain out – you can get a new couch!’  
‘No!’ Finnick yells.  
Annie and I laugh. ‘It was a joke Finnick’ I say laughing.  
‘You are so cheap Finn’ Annie says.  
‘Couches are very expensive!’ Finnick protests.  
  
‘Talking about expensive, Annie why don’t you get back to work? I know how much you loved being a flight attendant’ I ask.  
‘Well.. Actually, I have a job interview for a ground stewardess at the airport next week. It’s part time, so it would be perfect!’ Annie tells me. Her eyes lit up out of excitement. ‘Annie that’s amazing! Why didn’t you tell me?’  
‘I didn’t want to jinx it’ Annie says seeming a little embarrassed.  
‘You can’t! You’ll be perfect for the job, I know it. Let’s toast to your interview’ I say and I raise my glass.  
We toast and I drink my wine. Suddenly I feel a massive pain going through my head. It’s like a lightning bolt that goes right through my brain.  
‘Ouch..’ I groan. It hurts so badly I can feel my eyes well up. I close them and bring my hands to my face.  
‘Katniss, are you okay?’ I hear Finnick ask. He sounds really worried. I almost laugh when I hear him actually say my name, instead of using his stupid nickname for me.  
‘Yes, I’m fine. It’s just a migraine showing its ugly head’  
It’s like a warning. Every time I feel the lightning bolt go through my brain, I get a horrible migraine a small hour later. ‘Just give me a second’ I say, my hands still covering my face.  
‘Do you want an aspirin?’ Annie asks me.  
‘No, I’ll take one at home’ I answer. Just as quickly as the pain emerged, it vanishes, leaving me painless. ‘I’m fine’ I say looking up and smiling at my friends.  
They both look really worried, especially Finnick. ‘Are you sure?’ he asks.  
‘Yes, it’s just a migraine. I get them sometimes. I should probably go home’  
‘I’ll give you a lift’ Finnick says.  
‘No need, it’s just a twenty minute walk’  
‘And a ten minute dive’ Finnick says sternly.  
‘You’re not walking home, Katniss! Finnick’s driving you, end of story’  
I know when I lost a battle. ‘Okay’ I say.

 

******

 

When I’m home, I quickly take some migraine medication I got at the drugstore. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it makes it more bearable. It takes the edge off. I also take a sleeping pill so I can get through the night easier. Almost every time I take a sleeping pill I get this horrible nightmare about my father, but if I don’t take them I’ll wake up ten times a night due to the pain.. It really is choosing between two evils.  
I take a quick shower and I head to bed, where a night of troubled sleep awaits me.

 


	2. A Thousand Little Knives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are mine. I hope you're enjoying this story so far :)

_I’m in a meadow surrounded by trees. It’s dark outside and it’s raining. I have no idea where I am and before I can figure it out, I see my father. ‘Dad?’ I ask confused, but he doesn’t hear me._  
_He just stands there a few feet away from me and he looks around. Suddenly a few demon shaped men appear. I instantly feel terrified. They are all headed towards my dad. ‘Daddy! Daddy!’ I yell, but he can’t hear me. He can’t see me either, even though I’m standing just a few feet away from him. ‘RUUUNN!!!’ I yell._  
_He starts running but it’s to no avail, the demon shaped men have caught up to him and push him to the ground. ‘NOOOO!! Don’t hurt him!’ I want to run towards him, to protect him, but my legs are stuck in the mud._  
_‘STOP! Please!’ I yell. ‘HELP!’ One of the demons grabs a knife and launches it in my father’s back. ‘NOOOOO-!!!!’_

I wake up screaming. I’m breathing heavily, my heart is racing and my body is covered in sweat. It’s always the same occurance. My dad is in danger, I can’t save him and then he dies. Every nightmare is different though. Every nightmare he dies in a different setting and in a different way. _But really? Demons? When did I get such an imagination?_  
The first thing I realise when my breathing turns normal, is the blazing pain in my head. _Fuck!_ The migraine is still going strong. I walk to my small bathroom in my one-bedroom apartment to get an aspirin. Unfortunately I can’t have more of the migraine medicine..  
After a nightmare I always call Primrose, my sister, or Finnick. Knowing that the two people I care about most are safe and sound, calms me enough to go back to sleep.  
My sister is a nurse at the local hospital and I know she’s on her night shift, so I decide to call her. She picks up after a few rings.  
‘Had a nightmare?’ Primrose says after she picks up.  
‘Yes..’ I answer.  
‘Want to talk about it?’ she asks me.  
‘No.. But are you doing okay?’  
‘Yes, I’m perfectly okay, Katniss. Just working a nightshift, but it’s not so busy so I’m on a caffeine break. We can chat for a minute if you’d like to?’ she offers.  
‘Yes, okay’ I whisper.  
‘Did you have a cup of coffee with Finnick yesterday?’ Prim asks me.  
‘Yes, just like every Saturday’ I answer.  
‘I think it’s really cool that you two still grab a coffee with each other every week. Who knew that after you two met each other 18 years ago you’d still be friends?’ Prim says.  
‘Well I tried my best to ditch the guy years ago, but he just can’t take a hint’ I joke.  
Prim laughs. Her laugh is one of my favourite sounds in the world.  
‘I have to admit something..’ Prim says.  
‘Yes?’ I ask, my curiosity clearly audible in my voice.  
‘For years I really expected that the two of you would become an item’ Prim admits.  
‘What? Really?’ I ask surprised.  
‘Yes, you two were always so close. It just seemed natural that the two of you eventually would've taken things to the next level’  
I laugh it off. Talking about being more than just friends with Finnick with someone always made me feel a bit uncomfortable, a bit weird, even back when we were both single. I couldn’t exactly explain why, though.  
‘Well, you can’t be to surprised. You know how I feel about dating and stuff’ I simply say.  
‘I know, but Finnick wasn’t just any guy to you.. He was.. well.. _Finnick_ ’ she vaguely says, but I know exactly what she means.  
‘Exactly, I couldn’t date Finnick. He’s like a brother to me and I couldn’t lose him if things would’ve blown up in our faces. Besides, even if I did date, he’s not my type’ _It’s only half a lie._  
‘Well he’s really happy with Annie, so you made a good call on that one’  
‘Of course, I’m always right’ I joke. ‘But are we talking about me setting the two of them up or me saving my friendship with Finnick because we didn’t date?’ I continue.  
‘Both. How’s Adam?’ Prim asks.  
I laugh. ‘He’s doing well, he’s just in his terrible twos’ I tell her the butter story and Prim laughs.  
‘Poor Annie’ she says.  
‘She has a job interview next week by the way’ I tell my sister.  
‘That’s great!’ Prim says joyfully.  
We talk for a couple of minutes more and then end the call. Prim has to go back to work and I’m calm enough to go back to bed. I hope I can fall asleep quickly, because this migraine is still taunting me. Luckily today is Sunday so I can at least sleep in for as long as I want.  


 

******

 

After I wake up, I decide to take a run. I feel like shit – I barely slept tonight after I spoke with Prim – and I hope that the running will fill my body up with endorphins. I’m about to walk down the stairs and get to the buildings main entrance, when a guy suddenly appears with grocery bags and blocks my way.  
‘Ho! Sorry!’ he says and he laughs.  
Normally I would be annoyed that someone’s blocking my way, but there’s something about this guy – his laugh, his bright blue eyes and something else – that make the corners of my mouth twitch up. ‘It’s okay’ I say smiling a little.  
‘Wait, are you the woman of 3B?’ he asks me.  
‘Yes.. How did you know?’ I ask suspiciously.  
‘I already met our neighbours of 3C en D. I just moved into A’  
I nod. That could be true. The guy who lived in 3A moved out about a month ago. Never bothered to learn his name.  
The man before me swallows. He looks a bit uncomfortable, probably because I haven’t said anything, but I’m not very talkative. ‘I’m Peeta Mellark’ he says introducing himself. ‘I’d shake your hand, but..’ he holds up his hand a bit to show me he’s holding about 5 grocery bags. I laugh.  
‘It’s okay. You can shake my hand another time’ _Did I just flirt with this guy?_ Apparently I did, because a slight blush creeps up his face and he laughs.  
‘Katniss Everdeen’ I quickly say. ‘I was on my way, but I’m sure I’ll see you around’  
‘I’m looking forward to it’ Peeta says, smiling sheepishly. This time I can’t fight the twitching of my lips.  
When I continue my way, I have to supress an urge to look back.

 

******

 

When I get back to my apartment I’m all smelly and sticky so I take a quick shower to rinse of my sweaty body. I’m brushing my wet locks when I notice I’ve run out of my migraine medication. Fuck! I just bought it two weeks ago! The drugstore is closed today because it’s a Sunday, so I text Annie to ask if she can spare a couple of pills, in case I might have to use them before I can get new ones. Not that I expect to get a migraine today, because I just got one yesterday, but you never know.  
Now that I come to think of it, I have been having a lot of those migraines the last couple of weeks..

 **Annie 3:12pm:** _Yes, I’ll send Finnick on his way now with a few pills._

 **Katniss 3:13pm:** _Thank you, I’ll give you a couple of new pills back later this week._

 **Annie 3:13pm:** _Don’t be ridiculous! There’s no need._

I am watering my plants when someone knocks on my door. It can’t be Finnick because he can’t get into the building without getting buzzed in. I open the door and find my new neighbour standing there.  
‘Peeta?’ I ask surprised.  
‘Hey..’ he says and then he just stares at me.  
‘What can I do for you?’ I ask, before things get even more weird for me.  
‘Uhh.. Well, I baked too much bread for one person, so I wanted to give you a loaf’ he says, smiling sweetly.  
‘Homemade bread? I can’t say no to that’ I smile and he smiles back. ‘Would you like to come in for a cup of coffee?’  
‘I’d love to’ he answers with a broad smile gracing his face.  
‘How do you drink your coffee?’ I ask when he sits down in my tiny kitchen.  
‘With a little milk please’ Peeta answers.  
I give him his coffee and he smiles gratefully. ‘Did you just move to New Haven or have you’ve lived here for longer?’ I ask Peeta.  
‘No, I just moved to New Haven for a job. I work for a law firm and they transferred me to another office’  
‘Really?’ I ask surprised. ‘I work for a law firm too. For Paylor and Boggs, does that ring a bell?’  
‘Unbelievable! That’s where I work now too! Well, as of tomorrow’ Peeta says positively beaming. ‘It must be fate’  
‘I guess.. If you believe in that sort of thing..’ I say.  
‘You don’t believe in fate?’ Peeta asks. When I shake my head he continues, ‘Well, it is one hell of a coincidence’ I smile.  
‘That it is’  
‘So, you’re a lawyer too?’  
‘No, I’m Ms. Paylor’s secretary’ I answer.  
Peeta is about to say something else, when my apartment is filled with a loud buzzing noise. Someone is ringing my bell downstairs. It’s probably Finnick with the pills. I walk towards the intercom and see Adam’s face lighting up the screen in the arms of his dad. I buzz them in. ‘That’s my friend dropping something off’ I tell Peeta _._  
‘I should probably get going anyway, thank you for the coffee’ he says smiling a little.  
‘No problem. Thank you again for the bread’ I say when he walks towards the door.  
‘Not a problem too, I hope you’ll enjoy it. I’ll see you tomorrow, colleague!’ I have this weird feeling in my stomach when he goes, something close to disappointment, but I don’t have time to think about it. When Peeta closes his door, Adam en Finnick come walking up the stairs.  
‘KATNISSS!!!!’ Adam yells excitedly when he sees me. That boy can always make me smile, no matter what.  
‘ADAMM!!!’ I yell. I open my arms and he runs into them.  
‘Hey Kitty Kat’ Finncik says behind him. When I let go of Adam, Finnick gives me a hug and kisses my cheek, like he always does.  
  
‘So, what are you up to this Sunday?’ Finnick asks me when the three of us sit down in the kitchen. I give Adam some lemonade and a puzzle and Finnick a cup of coffee.  
‘Not much, I took a run this morning and my new neighbour just visited me to give me a loaf of homemade bread’ I answer.  
‘Homemade bread?’ Finnick asks with a mischievous glint in his eyes. ‘I wonder why he did that’  
I roll my eyes at him. ‘Because he made to much for one person’  
‘Yeah right’ Finnick says. ‘I bet he likes you’  
‘I just met him today’ I protest.  
‘That means it was love at first side’ Finnick says laughing hard, because he knows I don’t believe in such ridiculous things.  
I roll my eyes at him again. ‘God, you’re just as much as an hopeless romantic as your wife’  
His smile falters a bit and he quickly takes a zip of his coffee. ‘It seems like I am’ he says and he winks.  
‘Where is Annie now?’ I ask.  
‘Reading a book at home, she needed some alone time’ he answers.  
‘Than let’s grab some lunch somewhere and give Annie time to unwind a little longer’  
‘Yes, I’m starving!’ Finnick says smiling. ‘Taco Bell?’  
‘Taco Bell’ I answer smiling.

 

******

 

Later that evening Peeta stops by again to ask if I want a ride to work the next day. ‘You’d really help me out because I obviously don’t know the way to work like you do and I don’t want to be late on my first day’  
I always take the bus to work because I can’t afford a car, so a ride would be sweet. ‘Yes, that would be nice, thank you. We would also help save the planet’  
‘Exactly. That’s another great reason to carpool’ he says and he winks.  
‘I’ll see you tomorrow at 8:30 then’ I say and we say goodbye.  
A few minutes later a storm is tormenting my brain again. _Dammit!_  
‘Ooouuch..’ I wine. It’s not like the lightning bolt from yesterday, but more like a thousand little knives that want to rip open my brain.  
I quickly take some of Annie’s pills. This is about the tenth migraine I had in the last two weeks – it’s costing me a fortune to keep getting medication at the drugstore, but I guess I have to go get some again tomorrow.. Or maybe I should call my GP and ask for something stronger.  
I decide to watch some TV to get my mind of the pain and then I go to bed early.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do you think? :) Any thoughts? xx


	3. Light and Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the mistakes are mine. I hope you are all enjoying the story so far and that you'll like this chapter as well! :) I hope you'll leave behind some love xx

The next morning Peeta and I drive to work together. He smiles sweetly the entire ride and apparently his number one concern is if I’m comfortable.  
‘Do you want me to turn the heat on? Or the air-conditioning? If you’d like some music you can turn on the radio’ Peeta asks me.  
‘I’m fine, but if you don’t mind I am going to turn on the radio. I love music’  
‘Then you have to turn on the radio. We can’t take the chance of me starting to sing out of nervousness’  
I turn on the radio. ‘Are you really that bad of a singer?’ I ask smiling.  
‘My singing-voice is the unique combination of nails scraping over a chalkboard and the sound of a cat being tortured, so yes’ he answers.  
I laugh. ‘It can’t be dad bad’  
‘It is. Are you a good singer?’  
‘My shower never complained and my friends haven’t either’ I answer.  
‘Your shower never complained? That’s quite a compliment. Then I’d love to hear you sing sometime’ Peeta says.  
I laugh. ‘Well, who knows? Are you nervous about your first day?’  
‘Yes’ Peeta admits.  
‘Don’t be. You’ll fit right in’ I promise.  
‘How are Boggs and Paylor?’ Peeta asks me.  
‘They’re great. They are really good bosses – nice, rational and helpful. In court they both are amazing. They’re not afraid to take a risk and they both show no mercy. It always pays of the way they intended to. They are married by the way’ I can see Peeta nod from the corner of my eye.  
‘And the rest of our colleagues?’  
‘Everyone is really nice and respectful. The company’s Christmas parties are usually pretty fun’ I answer. I don’t really know what more to tell Peeta about our colleagues. Everyone is really nice, but I don’t really know them. I don’t see any of them outside of work, besides sometimes Miranda Paylor and Samuel Boggs. And Thom, obviously, who’s also a lawyer. I never had the need to get to know them better, because I didn’t believe I would befriend any one of them as good as I befriended the friends I have now.  
But I have a feeling I’m about to make an exception for Peeta.

 

******

 

‘Good morning Ms. Paylor’ I say when she passes my desk in her way to her office.  
‘You know you can call me Miranda, Katniss’ she says.  
‘I know, but you’re my boss and I don’t want to sound disrespectful’ I admit.  
‘We’ve known each other for years and I’m very fond of you, so please call me Miranda’ she says smiling. She’s a gorgeous African American women with dark brown eyes and even darker curls. She has very thick lips that turn into a gorgeous smile, but it’s her bravery, kindness and intelligence that she’s most known for. It’s no wonder Mr. Boggs, or Samuel as he wants me to call him, was instantly smitten with her.  


I’m reminded again how grateful I am to be working for her and for this firm. I started working for Miranda 6 years ago when I was 24, when Haymitch Abernathy, both a close friend of Samuel Boggs and mine, got me this job.  
Getting this job was one of the best things that ever happened to me. It offered me a good pay check, insurance and a way out of the jobs I did to make ends meet and hated to do. I had been a waitress, cleaning lady and had worked in a distribution centre at the same time to provide for my sister.

My dad had died when I was 17 in a car accident and losing my father had made my mom really depressed. After 10 months of only being able to sit in a chair and being able to stare out of the window, it had become clear to me that my mom wasn’t coming back. The energetic, loving and flute playing mother and nurse had died on the inside, when our dad had passed away.  
I couldn’t take care of her, my sister, myself and go to school and work at the same time anymore, so I had her admitted in an institution. Unfortunately this had cost a lot of money, so everything my parents had saved and a large amount of my dad’s life insurance was used to cover the bills of the mental institution. With my mother hospitalized, I had to get a second job and when I graduated, I got a third.  
College would be something I was never going to do, but I promised my sister she’d have a different fate. We both worked hard so she could become a nurse and then one day, Haymitch Abernathy rang our front doorbell.

Haymitch and my dad had been close friends growing up and when Haymitch had lost his mother and brother in a fire when he 22, he had turned to liquor to cope. It was my dad that helped him through his grief and got him off the alcoholic beverages and into AA-meetings. When Haymitch became a healthy and functional human being again, my dad had become a cop and Haymitch had joined the army where he met and befriended Samuel Boggs.

When my dad had died, Haymitch was stationed somewhere in the Middle East. He came back when I was 20 years old and promised me he would help my family, because he cared for us and because he owned my father. He promised he would help pay the bills and that he would help me pay for an education for myself if I wanted to, but he first needed to help himself. Fighting in a war had given Haymitch trauma’s and his first instinct was to grab a bottle of liquor for some relieve, but he couldn’t do that to my father. He was planning on going to therapy and AA-meetings and when he would feel more like himself, he wanted to set up a painting business.  
First I was reluctant to take his help, but I was tired, I wanted to be more than a cleaning lady and Finncik called me a fucking idiot for even thinking about declining his generous offer. Finnick also agreed with Haymith about the fact that he owned my father to help us. Haymitch’ help would also benefit my sister and my mother, so it would be selfish to decline and secretly I desperately didn’t want to.

Two years later, Haymitch was running a successful company and I could quit two of my jobs and go to a community college. I always wanted to be a veterinarian, but I couldn’t get myself to ask Haymitch to pay an intuition (or a part of an intuition) like that after he had done so much for us and it felt like that ship had sailed for me. Years ago I had come to terms with the fact that being a vet was a childhood dream that would never come true, but it still hurt a little.  
I had no more dreams than having a reliable job, so I decided to become a secretary. I attended a community college for two years where I learned how to become an amazing secretary and following the program gave me the opportunity to get an internship, so when I got my diploma, I wasn’t thrown in a very deep end. I also followed an extra Animal Sciences program to keep myself interested and to give myself some hope that if being a secretary would drain the life out of me, I had something I could use to get into a college with. Following that program gave me hope that someday I was able to make my dream come true and become a vet, but that study still cost a lot of money, so I’ve been working here for the last 6 years to help me get there.

When I got my diploma, Haymitch had called his friend Boggs, who had just become a lawyer in his wife’s firm. After Boggs had come back from war, two years before Haymitch, he went to law school and married his high school sweetheart Miranda Paylor. She and her dad had owned the firm – it was called Paylor and Paylor – and he started working for his wife and father-in-law when he got his degree. When Miranda’s father retired, Boggs became a partner and his surname would be written next to his wife’s on all the papers and logos of the firm.  
A few weeks later, Haymitch called Boggs for a favour. If he needed a secretary and if yes, could they hire me? They did need one and if Haymitch had faith in me, it was enough for Boggs and Paylor.  
When Haymitch told me he got me a good job at a friend’s law firm, I told him I couldn’t take it.  
_‘Why not?!’ Haymitch had angrily demanded._  
_‘What if I’m not qualified enough?’_  
_‘If anything your overqualified. You’re way too smart to spend your life as a secretary, that’s why you were first in both of your classes. This is a good job and you’ll do great’ Haymitch assured me._  
_‘But you’ve already done too much for me. I owe you so much already’_  
_Haymitch slammed the table with his fist out of anger. ‘You owe me nothing, sweetheart! Your father took care of me, I took care of you and now our families take care of each other! That’s what we do!’ he yelled._  
_I didn’t know what to say to that little outburst. ‘How can I thank you?’ I whispered, still too stubborn and prideful to receive without repaying. It was one of my biggest flaws, if not the biggest._  
_‘You can thank me by accepting the job! And maybe a home cooked meal’_  
_I nodded. ‘Thank you’ I said and I gave the old man a rare hug._

‘Let’s go to my office and talk about what’s on my schedule’ Miranda says.  
I follow her into the office and when I close the door, I tell her about her day. ‘You have a meeting about the Snow case in a couple of minutes with Mr. Boggs-‘  
‘Samuel’ Miranda corrects me.  
‘Samuel’ I say before I continue and she smiles at me. ‘Mr. Thom Miller, Mr. Peeta Mellark – the new lawyer – and Ms. Delly Cartwright’  
‘Yek! The Snow case. How I detest that man’ Miranda says with disgust.  
Mr. Snow was a governor who was caught red-handed committing embezzlement. He embezzled about 2 million dollars of taxpayers money and now that he was being sued, a lot of people finally found the courage to speak against him. He had blackmailed, threatened and harassed his co-workers and employees for years and now he was finally about to get punished. Paylor and Boggs had the honour of representing him in court.  
‘Yes, me too. How that man ever became a governor will forever be a mystery to me’ I say.  
‘I bet you he paid voters to vote for him’ Miranda says.  
‘I wouldn’t be surprised if he had’ I say and then I continue telling her about her schedule. ‘After that, you have a meeting with a potential client and this afternoon you have to represent Ms. Glimmer Waldorf in court’  
Glimmer Waldorf was the daughter of a multimillionaire, who’s only obligation was to party, look fashionable and to stay out of jail. Luckily for her, her lawyers, Paylor and Boggs, were excellent at their jobs and had succeeded in making deals, when there was the possibility that she would end up behind bars. She either had to do community service or pay her way out, but she never saw the inside of a prison cell. Even though she stole a diamond bracelet, a yacht and had been arrested for driving drunk multiple times..  
‘Great.. That sounds like a fun day’ Miranda sarcastically says. ‘I need you to come with me to the meeting, to write down some notes, okay?’ I nod and I follow her to the conference room.  
Peeta and Thom are already there and they are talking animatedly with each other. When Miranda and I walk in, they both look up. Thom winks at me before he greet us and Peeta’s face seems to light up when our eyes lock. He walks over to Miranda and introduces himself.  
Samuel and his assistant, Clove Smith, come in, shortly followed by Delly Cartwright.  
‘Great, now that everyone is here, let’s start. I can assume, Mr. Mellark that you’ve read up on this case?’ Miranda says, as she starts the meeting.  
Peeta nods. ‘I have’

The next half hour, Miranda and Samuel talk about the case and what the best strategies are to get him 15 years of jail time, instead of 25. Years of working for Paylor and Boggs have made me an excellent note taker. I know exactly what they need reminders of from a meeting.  
I’m scribbling down something Miranda has said, when I have the weird sensation of bees flying in my head. It hurts a little, but it’s bearable. _Just a half hour more and you can take a pill. Hold on._ But it gets worse by the minute and a few minutes later it’s almost unbearable.  
I’m trying my best to hear what the lawyers are saying, but the buzzing of the bees in my head seem to block out every sound. I notice that my hands are shaking, so I quickly grab my hands to make it stop, but then I realise my whole body is trembling.  
My head is hurting so badly, a sound of pain escapes my lips. Six pair of eyes turn my way. ‘Katniss, are you alright?’ I hear someone say.  
I’m trying my best to assure them that I’m fine, but I’m a little busy trying to get my eyes to roll back out of my eye sockets. I feel myself hit the ground and then everything turns black.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the last chapter I'll update in the next week or so, because I'm going on a holiday: Turkey this time! :D 
> 
> In chapter 4 things are going to change forever for Katniss and things will get even more intense! What did you guys and girls think of this chapter (or the story so far)? Don't forget to check out my other stories too and a big thank you to everyone who's following this story! :) I love you xx


	4. Diagnosis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to all of you lovely readers :-* All mistakes are mine.

  


I try to open my eyes. ‘She’s waking up’ I hear someone say. ‘Katniss? Can you-‘ blackness again.

I try to open my eyes again. I’m strapped in a bed in a small iron room with a lot of light. _Where am I?_  
A wave of panic goes through me and I hear a loud beeping noise go quicker and quicker.  
‘Ms. Everdeen calm down. You’re in an ambulance and everything is going to be okay. Close your eyes again and try to relax’ I hear someone say.  
I feel someone squeeze my hand. ‘We’ll be there in a couple of minutes, Katniss’ I recognise his voice.  
Peeta? Before I can say something, the blackness takes me away again.

The next time I wake up, I’m lying in a hospital bed. I see Peeta in a chair next to my bed. When he sees I’ve woken up, he offers me a glass of water.  
‘Here, drink this’ he orders me. ‘I’ll go get the doctor’ I take a few zips of the water and then Peeta returns with the doctor.  
‘Hello, Ms. Everdeen. I see you’ve woken up. My name is Dr. Aurelius’ he says. ‘You’ve given your co-workers quite a scare’  
‘What happened?’ I’m able to ask. My voice sounds weak.  
‘It seems that you’ve had an epileptic seizure’ Dr. Aurelius answers.  
‘An epileptic seizure?’ I ask confused. ‘I’m not epileptic. It was just a migraine’  
‘I’m afraid it can’t be. Mr. Mellark told us what happened and according to him, your whole body started to shake, after you lost consciousness’  
‘Yes’ Peeta says and he nods his head.  
‘No, it must’ve been a migraine. I’ve had a couple of those in the last few weeks’  
‘Did you pass out by any of them?’ Dr. Aurelius immediately asks.  
‘No’ I answer.  
‘I will order an MRI-scan for you, just in case, so in an hour a nurse will bring you there. Is there anything else you want to tell me or ask me?’ Dr. Aurelius asks.  
A nurse, crap. ‘Yes. What hospital is this?’  
‘New Haven General’ Dr. Aurelius answers. Prim works here..  
‘What day is it?’  
‘Monday’ Peeta answers looking worried.  
Good, that’s her day off. The last thing I need is for my sister to find me in this bed while she’s working and for her to get really worried about nothing.  
I nod. The doctor says he’ll see me in a couple of minutes and leaves.  
I turn to Peeta. ‘Peeta you should go back to work. I’ll be fine’  
‘No, I’m staying with you’ Peeta says with a sweet smile.  
‘It’s okay, there’s nothing you can do for me and it’s your first day’  
‘Ms. Paylor and Mr. Boggs both agreed that going with you to the hospital was more important’ Peeta stubbornly says.  
‘Peeta, please. Ms. Paylor and Mr. Boggs are probably really worried and I’m in capable hands here. I need you to go back and tell them that I’m fine’ I tell him.  
‘Katniss..’ he tries.  
‘I know it was just a migraine. I’ll see you tomorrow at work, okay?’  
‘Are you sure?’ Peeta reluctantly asks. I nod and thank him for coming with me.  
‘I’ll give you a lift tomorrow to work’ Peeta says before he leaves. I open my mouth to protest, but he raises his hand and says: ‘We’re carpooling again tomorrow or I’m staying here’  
I laugh. ‘Deal’

‘Try not to move for the next half hour Ms. Everdeen’ I hear Dr. Aurelius say when I’m in the MRI machine. _Great._  
I sigh. This is so exaggerated and pointless. I don’t know what Dr. Aurelius is trying to find, but I already know what he’ll find – nothing. I’ve been feeling great lately, except for when I had those migraines, but other than that, great. _Thank God, this will be covered by my health insurance._

My mind drifts off to the day I met Finnick. I was 12 years old and he was 13. My father had just started to coach the school’s swimming team and had convinced me to join. Finnick wasn’t just on the team, he was the team's captain. I was the first girl to join the team and the boys didn’t exactly open me with open arms. At the first practices I heard one of the boys complain about me being a girl and that that had to mean I was a slow swimmer. I got so angry at the insult that I swam as fast as I could and apparently, that was faster than any of the boys could. I came out of the water I said: ‘Not bad for just a girl, right? Actually better than any boy could!’  
They all stared at me in shock, but Finnick laughed and came up to me. He shook my hand and welcomed me to the team. We became as thick as thieves after that.

Thinking of Finnick reminds me of the conversation I had with my sister a couple of days ago. I never told her or anyone else that there was this moment in our friendship that had the effect to change everything, but it never did. I don’t know if I am relieved or still disappointed. _Best kiss I ever had._  
Thinking about that specific moment hurts a lot more than in just one way, so I’ve tried the last 13 years to forget it.

The day we kissed was the worst day of my life. Not because of the kiss, but because that was the day my dad had died. My mother turned into a ghost and my life and dreams had been sacrificed for my sister’s.  
Talking about the kiss or its meaning felt like a taboo. The kiss reminded me of my old life and of the things I could’ve had and had wanted to have. A normal, happy life. A college experience and education. Two parents that could take care of me. Love.  
It hurt too bad to think or talk about it, so I had ignored that it happened. I think Finnick knew this, because he never brought it up. Eventually it was a good thing, because when I met Annie, I knew she and Finnick could be great together.

‘Ten more minutes, Ms. Everdeen’ Dr. Aurelius says.

Good, I’m a very restless person and just lying here, is driving me insane. A pair of bright blue eyes pop up in my mind. It was really sweet of him to come with me to the hospital. I’ve only known him for a couple of days and yet, I actually like him. The thought of befriending Peeta appeals to me and that doesn’t happen very often. _Maybe you’re already friends?_ , a small voice in my head says.  
_No we aren’t. Right?_

‘We’re done’ Dr. Aurelius says. Finally.

‘You’ll have to stay overnight’ Dr. Aurelius says when I’m back in my bed.  
‘What? This is getting ridiculous’ I protest. ‘I’m perfectly fine and I need to work tomorrow’  
‘No, we need to watch you for the next 24 hours. There’s a possibility you can get a seizure again. Tomorrow morning I’ll have the results of the scan and we’ll take about them then’  
I have no choice so I just nod. Dr. Aurelius leaves with the promise to check upon me tonight.  
I need to call Miranda to let her know that I won’t be at work tomorrow, but I don’t have my cell on me. I left it in my purse at work, so I use the phone next to my bed.

 

‘Hello Miranda, it’s Katniss’ I say when she picks up her phone.  
‘Katniss! How are you?’ she asks worriedly. ‘You gave us quite a scare!’ she admits.  
‘I’m so sorry’ I say. ‘I’m doing fine, but my stupid doctor ordered me to stay overnight, so I can’t go to work tomorrow’  
‘It’s okay, you just rest’ Miranda says. ‘Mr. Mellark told me that you had an MRI-scan?’  
‘Yes, I’ll get the results tomorrow. Speaking of Mr. Mellark can you tell him I can’t carpool with him tomorrow?’  
‘You’re carpooling with Mr. Mellark?’ she asks surprised.  
‘Yes, we’re neighbours’ I answer.  
‘I’ll tell him. Get some rest and don’t return to work until you’re hundred percent better’ Miranda orders me sternly.  
‘I will’ I promise. ‘Goodbye’

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning a nurse wakes me for breakfast at 7am. After I’m finished eating, I fall asleep again until Dr. Aurelius wakes me at 9am.  
‘Good morning Ms. Everdeen’ he says and he sits down in the chair Peeta sat yesterday.  
‘Good morning’ I say while I rub my eyes.  
‘I just got the results back and we need to talk about them’ Dr. Aurelius says. His eyes are serious and a bit sad, so a wave of panic goes through me. My heart speeds up and adrenaline starts to run through my veins.  
‘I ordered an MRI-scan because your friend told me you had an epileptic attack, but when I looked into your medical history there was no mention of you being epileptic or even a mention of a family member having the decease’ Dr. Aurelious explains.  
I can’t do more than just nod. The way he’s explaining himself and the tone he is using, is making me expect the worst.  
‘When you told me you had had some migraines I got a suspicion I needed to test. Seizures and horrible headaches are two symptoms of brain tumours’  
I gasp. ‘What?’ I mumble in disbelieve.  
‘Unfortunately, on the scan we took, it’s clearly visible that you have a brain tumour’ Dr. Aurelius continues.  
‘No’ I say. ‘I can’t have a brain tumour..’ I feel a tear running over my cheek.  
‘Unfortunately, there’s more. The scan also showed us that your cancer has spread to your lungs’  
‘No.. I never smoked a day in my life’ I shake my head. ‘This is a mistake!’ I yell angrily.  
‘I’m afraid not, Ms. Everdeen’  
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!  
‘How?’ I demand. ‘Why?!’  
‘I’m afraid there are no answers to those questions’ Dr. Aurelius calmly answers. His calmness is getting on my nerves. My life is falling apart and he just sits there! ‘But there is medication’ Dr. Aurelius continues.  
I stare at my feet while Dr. Aurelius tells me about the chemo I can take to kill my bad cells and the radiation to shrink the tumours.  
‘If it works like we intend it will, there’s a slight possibility that we can remove the tumours by operation’  
‘How big is my chance?’ I ask Dr. Aurelius, my eyes still glued to my feet, my cheeks wet and my soul numb.  
He is quiet for a second. ‘About fifteen percent, but if the medication works you can have a long and healthy life’ he answers. If the medication works.

It’s now my turn to be silent and I think about what I have to do. ‘Yes’ I just say. If I don’t take the chance, I’m going to die. ‘When do we start?’  
‘This Thursday with radiation’  
‘I need you to keep this between us. My sister works here as a nurse and I want her to get the news from me’ Dr. Aurelius nods. ‘I need to process this news first on my own, so I don’t know when I’ll tell her’  
‘She won’t find out from me, I promise’ Dr. Aurelius says.  
‘Can I go home now? My sister starts at work at 2pm and I don’t want her to see me’  
‘Yes. I’ll give you a prescription for some pain meds you can take if you get a headache and I’ll take your charts to my office so your sister won’t find out you spend the night here’  
‘Thank you’ I say and an odd sense of relieve goes through me.

 

******

 

When I get back home it’s noon. I just stand in my living room a couple of minutes staring at the wall across from me. _What the hell just happened?_ It all feels so surreal, like I’m playing the lead in a bad movie or I’m stuck in a dream. If this was a dream, it would be a nightmare. A nightmare I know I’m living.  
I’m glad I still don’t have my cell phone. I couldn’t have dealt with funny texts or worried phone calls. I’m glad that right now I’m unreachable.

I make myself an omelette and eat it with some toast. _What do I do?_ For the first time in my life I don’t know what to do.. When my dad died and my mother just tuned out, I knew I had to take care of Prim. Get a job to pay the bills, make dinner, clean the house once in a while, etc.  
_But now..?_ I knew that I wasn’t going to tell my friends and family about my cancer just yet. I couldn’t ruin their lives with news like this. _Brain tumour, spread to the lungs, a 15 percent chance.._  
Prim had a job she loved and an amazing boyfriend. She had been through enough and she finally had a good life, like I always wanted her to have. I never in a million years thought I would be the one to jeopardize that.  
Haymitch was painting houses and buildings in town and was saving up for his dream to own a farm so he could have a flock of geese.  
Annie had a job interview this week and she and Finncik wanted to have a second child.  
Madge had finally accepted Gale’s marriage proposal and the wedding was in 8 months. _I hope I’ll be here to see them get married._  
I knew I had to tell them sooner than later, but I wasn’t ready. The way Dr. Aurelius had looked at me, was a look I couldn’t see on my loved ones. He had felt sorry for me and a look of sadness graced his face.  
If I didn’t tell them, it would also seem less true. Like my illness would only exist in this apartment, but I’d still be healthy when I closed my front door.  
I didn’t want to tell Miranda and Samuel either, but I didn’t know how the medicine would affect my body and if I was able to work. I would go to work tomorrow and ask for the Thursday off and try not to miss any more days.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading :) Any thoughts? xx


	5. Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had some time over, so decided to post this chapter earlier than intended! :) Enjoy!

After I cleaned up my dishes I made a short list of things I needed and wanted to do the rest of this horrible day.

 _**1\. Take a shower.** _  
_**2\. Watch Netflix** _  
_**3\. Eat junk food.** _  
_**4\. Get phone?** _

I get on my couch with my laptop and watch some Parks and Rec and Grace & Frankie. Only comedy today, no drama or romantic bullshit. It works for a while. The comedies make me laugh and I forget everything, until I ask myself why I’m not at work..  
I’m watching Grace & Frankie when rage takes a hold of me. Why do they all get to be so old and healthy? Why do I have a 85 percent chance of dying when I’m barely thirty years old?! I grab the empty glass next to me and throw it at the wall.  
‘Goddammit!’ I yell. I’m so furious at the universe that I grab a couple of plates and mugs and break them all. I keep throwing until all of my anger is gone and all that’s left in me are tears.  
I roll up into a ball and cry my soul out on my floor.  
‘Why God. Why?’ I yell at the ceiling. ‘Why did you take my father when I was 17 and my mother when I was 22? Why do you give me cancer now at 30? Why didn’t I deserve a happy life?’ It’s not like I expected an answer, but I’m still pissed off I don’t get one. ‘Give me a new set of plates and I’ll think about forgiving you’ I tell the ceiling.  
Still nothing. _Asshole._

I spend the rest of the day eating junk food and watching Netflix, so for dinner I decide to have an apple. I throw its core in the trashcan when I someone knocks on my door. No.. I really don’t want to socialise with anyone right now. I suspect it’s Peeta and after all his kindness, I don’t have the heart to ignore him.  
‘Hey. How are you?’ Peeta asks me when I open my door.  
‘I’m fine’ I lie and I try to give him a convincing smile.  
‘Ms. Paylor asked me to give you your purse’ he says while handing me my purse. Another reason I’m in his dept. The bread, the ride, the hospital and now my purse.  
‘Thank you’ I say. ‘I was actually just about to take a shower, but I’ll see you tomorrow’  
‘Yes, 8:30am’ Peeta says smiling.

I turn on my cell and see that I have a few text messages.

 **Primrose today 10:03am:** _How did you sleep the last couple of nights?_

 **Katniss 6:33pm:** _Fine, you?_

 **Annie today 2:17pm:** _This time tomorrow I have my job interview..!_

 **Katniss 6:34pm:** _I know, you’re going to blow them away!_

 **Thom today 3:57pm:** _How are you doing?_

 **Katniss 6:35pm:** _I’m fine. I’ll see you tomorrow at work._

Prim immediately sends me back a text.

 **Prim 6:35pm:** _I’ve sleeping really well! Rory and I decided to move in together! :D_

 **Katniss 6:36pm:** _That’s great! You two are great for each other, I’m so happy for you guys xx_

I smile. I know my sister and I know she’s really excited. I’m so glad that the two of them are taking the next step.  
The feeling of a bullet being shot through my brain makes me drop my phone and I quickly grab the bottle of pain meds Dr. Aurelius gave me. I take one pill, get my phone of the floor and turn it off. I want to be unreachable again.

 

* * *

 

 

‘I hope your second day was better than your first day at work?’ I ask Peeta when were riding together to work the next morning.  
‘Not really’ he answers.  
‘No?’ I ask surprised.  
‘No, you weren’t there’ he answers and he winks at me through the rear-view mirror.  
Normally this flirting would annoy me and I’d shut it down immediately, but with Peeta I don’t want to. I laugh and feel my cheeks warm up.  
‘Can I ask you something?’ Peeta asks, suddenly a little uncomfortable.  
‘Sure’  
‘Is there something going on between you and Thom?’ he asks, a slight blush gracing his features.  
_What?_ ‘No, nothing’ I say. ‘Why would you think that?’  
‘Well, when you fainted he was the first one at your side and he didn’t leave you until you were in the ambulance. He wanted to come with you to the hospital, but he couldn’t because he needed to be in court. He was also all over me when I returned from the hospital’  
_God.. What a disaster.._ I hope no one else is thinking now that there’s something going on between Thom and I.  
‘No, we’re just friends’ I say.  
Peeta nods and can’t seem to fight off a slight smile.

  
******

  
‘Good morning Katniss. I’m glad to see you back at work’ Miranda Paylor greets me when she passes my desk to her office. ‘Come to my office with my schedule, please’  
‘How are you doing Katniss?’ Miranda asks me when I close her door behind me.  
‘Better. I’m glad to be back at work again’ I answer. ‘Miranda can I have tomorrow off? I have to be back at the hospital for a follow up’  
‘Of course’ she answers. ‘What did the MRI-scan say?’  
‘Nothing’ I lie. ‘So tomorrow I’ll get tested for epilepsy’  
‘If you need anything, you know where my desk is’ she says and she gives me a smile.  
‘Thank you’ I say, an honest smile gracing my lips.

  
******

I’m quietly eating my lunch by myself when Thom walks into the room.  
‘Katniss, how are you doing? I was so worried’ Thom says while he sits down in a chair next to mine.  
‘Fine, just like I texted’ I say and I try to give him a smile.  
He grabs my hand. ‘Is there anything I can do you for you, babe?’  
‘Thom!’ I yell mortified and I pull back my hand. ‘You know you can’t say that. We’re just fuck buddies, nothing more!’ I look around to see if there’s anyone near us. No one, thank God.  
‘Katniss..’  
‘No!’ I say mad. ‘We are not an item and we will never be’  
‘Maybe if you give us a chance’  
‘I don’t want to. I’m not that kind of person, you know this’ I tell Thom and he looks wounded.  
I sigh. ‘You were right last Saturday. This is not working in the way we both want it to. We should end it now, before it gets even more dramatic’ I grab my salad of the table and get up. ‘I’m sorry, but I hope we can still be friends. You should ask Delly out, she really likes you’ I say and I get back to my desk.

 

* * *

 

 

The next day I’m undressing myself and putting on a hospital gown. I’m about to get radiation for the first time and I’m strangely calm. Prim doesn’t work in this part of the hospital, so I don’t have to be afraid I’ll run into her and if I do, I’ll say I dropped by to ask her out to lunch.  
‘Just lay still and relax, Ms. Everdeen’ a doctor says. ‘You won’t feel a thing’

An hour later I put my own clothes again and walk to Dr. Aurelius’ office. Luckily, I get to his office without running into my sister. Dr. Aurelius wants to schedule all of the next appointments and a follow up MRI-scan. The next five months I have radiation every other week.  
‘Can we do the radiations on the Mondays?’ I ask.  
‘You still haven’t told your sister’ Dr. Aurelius states.  
‘Not yet’  
‘Yes, the Mondays are a possibility’ Dr. Aurelius says. ‘Two weeks after your last radiation you have a MRI-scan’  
I nod.  
‘We know have to talk about the side effects of radiations. You may experience skin problems, such as dryness, itching, blistering, or peeling. These issues do usually resolve a few weeks after treatment has finished and I’ll give you a prescription for some lotion for your skin. If your skin becomes really damaged you have to switch to another shampoo – I’ll give you prescription for that too’  
I nod again and the doctor continues.  
‘Another side effect is severe exhaustion. Even a long night of rest can’t help you but it does help if you can manage your pain, stress and anxiety. Would you like me to prescribe you some sleeping pills?’  
‘No thank you. They usually give me nightmares’ I answer.  
Dr. Aurelius nods and goes on. ‘Side effects of radiation therapy to the head may include a dry mouth, difficulty with swallowing, mouth and gum sores, stiffness in the jaw and nausea. I can give you something for the nausea, but not for the rest. Your lungs however will be irritable. You’ll cough a lot, but there’s nothing I can give you for that. If you get a sore throat drink tea or something with some honey. If you get trouble breathing call me’  
‘Okay’ I say.  
‘Do you have any questions?’  
‘Yes. Are all those medications compatible with alcohol and drugs like weed?’ I ask. Tomorrow I’m having dinner with my friends and the night always ends with us getting drunk and high.  
‘Weed is okay, but if you’ve taken a pill of the pain meds I prescribed you, you can’t drink alcohol for the next 12 hours’  
‘Okay, thank you’ I say. ‘That’s all’  
‘Than I’ll see you in ten days, Ms. Everdeen’  
‘Have a nice day’ I say before I close his door behind me.  


******

  
I get the medicine Dr. Aurelius prescribed me out of the bag and onto the table and stare at it for a while. Last week my biggest concern was having enough migraine medication and now my table is filled with pain medication, special body lotion, special shampoo, medication for nausea and some honey. My eyes well up when I’m reminded again why I have to use them. This time I let my tears run freely. I’m too tired to fight them any longer.

I realise when I’m making dinner that I have to tell Miranda and Samuel about my cancer, because I can’t ask for every other Monday off without a good reason. I tell myself I’ll do it the first thing in the morning. I’m already dreading it...  
Outside of Dr. Aurelius office and my apartment I can act like I’m not ill, but telling Miranda and Samuel will make it _real_.

I’m eating some dinner when I turn on my phone again. _Shit!_ I never asked Annie about the interview..

 **Katniss today 6:22pm:** _How did the job interview go? I’m sorry I didn’t ask yesterday, work was really overwhelming.._

 **Annie 6:23pm:** _I’ll tell you tomorrow. Do you want to share a cab to M en G’s tomorrow?_

 **Katniss 6:23pm:** _Sounds good. So, you and F are both planning to get hammered?_

 **Annie 6:24pm:** _Hell yes, don’t you know it! We’ll see you tomorrow at 7!_

I laugh. Annie is such a reliable and sweet girl, but once in a while she needs to unwind and those parties always are the best. I’m not going to tell them tomorrow. Tomorrow is supposed to be a fun and crazy night and if anyone needs a night to forget real life it’s me.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope to hear from you guys and girls! :) xx


	6. Paylor and Boggs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this story I chose to use Boggs physical description like the one in the movie, because I like the actor so much! :)  
> All mistakes are mine, enjoy this chapter :)

‘Have any plans for tonight?’ Peeta asks me in the ride to work. We’ve been riding to work now every day and it has become the best part of my day. Letting Peeta drive me is much more fun and takes less time than to take the bus. Together we’re one step closer to saving the planet, as Peeta so nicely puts it.  
Taking the bus together would be even more helpful, but having some alone time with Peeta makes me feel happy. After the news I got this week, I think I deserve to do everything that takes my mind of things.  
‘Yes, I’m having dinner with some friends’ I answer. ‘You?’  
‘Not really. Just to drink a beer and watch a movie’ Peeta answers. ‘But tomorrow I wanted to check out New Haven’s biological market and buy some food. Would you like to come with me?’  
I read somewhere online that eating healthy would make me feel less nauseas and would make me feel better when the radiation would really kick in. Eating biological food is really healthy and why not start tomorrow? ‘Yes, sounds great’ I answer.  
‘What time do you want to go?’ Peeta asks.  
‘Around 2pm?’  
‘Perfect’ he answers smiling broadly.

 

******

 

My heart is beating in my throat. I’m really nervous over what I’m about to do. In a minute or two Miranda is going to walk to her office and ask me to come with her to tell her what’s on her schedule today, but before I tell her, I’ll tell her about my cancer.  
I don’t know why I’m nervous. It’s not like I did anything wrong or that it’s my fault, but I know I’m dreading her reaction. I’m also dreading telling her because than someone will know. My secret will be out and my cancer will be real.  
There she is. ‘Good morning, Katniss. Let’s go to my office’ Miranda says.  
‘Good morning Miranda’ I say with a soft voice. She looks at me for a second, wondering why I don’t sound like my usual self, but I give her an attempt of a warm smile and we walk into the office.  
I close the door behind me. ‘Miranda’ I start, ‘I need to tell you something’  
She gets a worried look on her face. ‘This is about the test results’  
‘Yes’ I say.  
‘Do you have epilepsy?’ she asks me.  
‘No, I lied about that’ I say. Miranda’s worried look turns into one of confusion, but before she can ask something, I continue. ‘Thursday I did get my MRI-scan back, but I lied when I said the doctor hadn’t found anything. The scan showed us that I have cancer in my brain and that it has spread to my lungs’  
‘Katniss..’ Miranda says and I can see she’s fighting her tears.  
‘Yesterday I started radiation therapy and I have to continue that every other Monday from ten days from now for 5 months, so I wanted to ask you if I could get those Mondays off’  
Miranda is silent and stares at me for a while with tears in her eyes. ‘Of course’ she finally whispers. ‘Katniss.. what is your chance?’  
I can’t look in her eyes when I answer, so my gaze drops to the floor. ‘Fifteen percent’  
A sob escapes Miranda and I hear her get out of her chair. I look up and when she’s standing in front of me. She grabs my shoulders and looks me in the eyes. ‘Katniss, you are one of the most strongest people I know. If anyone can beat these odds, it’s you’ she says and I know she means it.  
I nod. ‘I’ll do my best’ and she wraps her arms around me. We hug each other for a minute and when we let go of each other, she wipes a tear from her cheek.  
‘Are you going to tell Samuel?’ I ask.  
She nods.  
‘I have to ask of both of you to keep it to yourselves. You are the first person I told and I’m not ready for anyone else to know yet’  
‘You haven’t told anybody?’  
‘No.. I just.. can’t do it to my family or friends’  
‘You have to tell them Katniss’ Miranda says wisely.  
‘I know, but I first need to fully accept I’m ill. Then I’ll be ready’  
She nods. ‘I won’t tell anyone else. Except for Samuel, he needs to know why you’ll have every other Monday off’  
‘Yes. If people ask, tell them I’m taking a college course. Animal Sciences or something. I know something about that subject’ Miranda nods. ‘And you both can’t tell Haymitch. I want to tell him the news myself, but I don’t know when yet’  
‘Of course, I promise we won’t tell him’ 

Seeing Miranda’s reaction makes me dread telling other people even more. If a person like Miranda gets tears in her eyes after hearing my news, how will a soft person like Prim react? She may be a nurse and she may see illness and death on a daily basis, but in her heart there still lives the innocent, sweet 6 year old girl she once was. How will Finnick react to the news that his best friend of the better part of his life has a 15 percent chance of surviving cancer? If the roles were reversed, I’d never get over either one of their deaths. And then there were still Madge, Annie and Gale who’ve also been close friends of mine for years. And Haymitch, who feels like my only other living relative than Prim.

 

******

 

At 4 o’clock Samuel comes to my desk. ‘Katniss I’d like to speak to you in private in my office’ he says with a friendly smile. His smile doesn’t reach his chocolate brown eyes and that tells me he knows.  
‘Of course’ I say and I walk with him to his office.

‘As you probably suspect, Miranda has told me about your disease. You don’t deserve this’ I don’t say anything to that, because I know I don’t deserve this. No one deserves this. ‘I’m so sorry Katniss that you have to go through this, but you’re not alone. If there is anything Miranda or I can do for you please let us know’  
‘Thank you’ I say.  
‘Miranda also told me you want us to keep it to ourselves and so we will. As lawyers we learned how to keep a secret, so you don’t have to worry about us telling anyone, or Haymitch for that matter’  
‘Thank you, I’d really appreciate it’ I say.  
‘Also, we’d like to offer you a raise’ he says.  
‘Samuel, you don’t have to do that’ I say surprised.  
‘You’re last one was over 2 years ago, so it’s about time. As of Monday you’ll earn a higher wage’  
‘Thank you’ I say a little blown away.  
He gives me a kind smile, this time it does reach his eyes, and we both get back to work.

 

******

 

‘Do you and your friends do a night like this often?’ Peeta asks me when we drive back to our apartment building.  
‘We try to this every month, but that’s not always achievable’ I answer.  
‘Why not?’ Peeta asks.  
‘Finnick and Annie have a two year old and they need to get a babysitter and Madge is a reporter, so sometimes she’s out of town for her work’  
‘How do you know your friends?’  
‘Finnick and I have been friends since childhood and I met Annie when we were both working in a restaurant. After she became a close friend of mine, I introduced her to Finnick because I had a feeling they’d be really great together. Now they have been married for 4 years and they have a son’ I tell Peeta, a little proud of my matchmaking skills. ‘So, you’re quite the cupid?’ Peeta asks.  
I laugh. ‘I am indeed, I also set Madge and Gale up’  
‘Really?’  
‘Yes. Madge and I became friends in high school after we both joined the glee club. I met Gale through my sister. She’s dating his brother and I think she wanted to set us up’ ‘But you guys didn’t date, right?’ Peeta quickly asks, eyeing me through the rear-view mirror.  
‘No. I like hanging out with Gale, but I know I’d never feel something more than friendship for him. Besides, I’m not the dating kind’  
‘What? Why not?’  
People always ask me that question when I tell them I don’t want to date, or get married or have children. The answer is quite simple, but it’s one too personal to share, so I always tell them a different truth. ‘I like my life how it is right now and I like being alone. Dating just brings a whole lot of drama and bullshit in my life, that I don’t need’ _Especially not now._ ‘and people just date to get married and have children and I’m not planning on doing that ever’  
Peeta chuckles a bit. ‘I can’t believe someone as awesome as you doesn’t have a date every Friday night with someone new or doesn’t want to bring a mini you into this world’  
‘I just don’t’ I say a little annoyed.  
‘Maybe you just haven’t met the person you do want to have those things with’ Peeta says, sounding a little hopeful.  
‘I doubt it. I’m just not that kind of person’ I say, but Peeta’s smile never wavers. ‘Enough about me and my friends, tell me about yours’ I say to change the subject.  
‘I’m very close to my brothers, Christian and Ryder and then I have two close friends I met in college, Thresh and Johanna’  
‘Do you see them often?’  
‘Chris took over my parents business and lives in my old hometown, so I used to see him a lot before I moved to New Haven. Ryder moved away to the other side of the country for his wife, but we still speak a lot through technology. And Johanna and Thresh are currently on a trip around the world together’  
I know Peeta for a couple of days now and my first impression of him was that he was a very sociable person. Having all of his friends so far away, must be very lonely for him. Even I would get lonely after a while, if every one of my friends would live far away from me.  
‘I hope you’ll meet some new people here and make new awesome friends’ I say after he parks the car in our street.  
He shuts down the engine and turns to me. ‘I already have’ he says smiling.  
I smile back shyly, because I know he means me and with my smile, I try to tell him I’m allowing it. 

 

******

 

 **Annie today 6:47pm:** _Get your sexy butt downstairs! We’re here in the silver cab._

I’m wearing a black jumpsuit with ballerina’s and my hear is in my signature braid. My outfit is nice enough for a dinner with friends and still very comfortable.  
More importantly, I haven’t head a killer headache in the last 12 hours, so I didn’t have to use the pain meds, which means I can drink some alcohol tonight. I did slip some pills in my purse in case the lightning bolt, knives, bees or something new will torture me tonight, but I’m hoping I have still some luck left.

I close the building’s front door and walk to the only silver cab I see. I see Finnick wave at me in the cab and I open the door next to the cabdriver. I’m not sharing the backseat with two other people – those days are over.  
‘Hey guys!’ I say excitedly.  
‘Hey Kantiss, how was your week?’ Annie asks me as the cabdriver starts the car and drives away.  
‘Fine’ I lie, ‘and long. Work was really busy, but I’m more interested in hearing about your week, Annie. Especially about the job interview’  
‘Yes.. I’ll tell you during dinner’ _That doesn’t sound good.._  
‘How was your week, Finnick?’ I ask to change the subject of Annie’s week.  
‘Stressful.’ Finnick answers. Finnick is the CFO of an advertising company called Black Orchid Advertising. His charming nature and quick wit made him very popular with his boss and landed him promotion after promotion. Not that he’s not really good at his job. He landed Black Orchid Advertising client after client and pretty much made BOA the highly known advertising company it is today. His employees like him too and are willing to work hard for him. ‘We had a very important meeting with a client and tried to land a new one today’ he explains.  
‘Sounds like we all could use a night like tonight’ I say while I watch the streetlights come and go.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys think? After this chapter, Katniss isn't able to keep her secret much longer! Hope you're excited for the next ones to come! ;) xx


	7. Two Dinners and a Market

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys and girls don't think it's too fast, but I just really wanted to update ;)! Hope you enjoy! :)

It’s great to see my friends again, especially after a week like mine – they completely make me forget reality. When Madge and Gale ask how I’ve been I lie. Madge goes on and on about her and Gale’s wedding. I’m not really one to talk much about weddings (or fashion or celebrities for that matter), but I listen to her with full devotion, because that’s the least she deserves and it’s a good distraction. Madge reminds me and Annie again that in a few short weeks we have to go dress shopping. I’m one of her bridesmaids along with Annie and May, her cousin and maid of honour.  
‘Yes, Madge I remember, it’s on my calendar’ I say smiling.  
‘If it’s on Katniss calendar, you know it’s important’ Finnick jokes.  
We all laugh, but when I remember what’s on my calendar every other Monday, my smile falters a bit. I try to cover it by taking a zip from my wine.  
‘Annie, don’t keep us waiting any longer’ I say. ‘Tell us how your interview went’  
‘It went really well and this morning I got a call back and they offered me the position’ Annie says smiling broadly.  
‘Congratulations!’ Madge says.  
‘Great job, Annie!’ Gale agrees.  
‘I told you you’d get the job!’ I say. I hold up my glass and we all celebrate Annie’s good news. 

We keep talking about everything and nothing during dinner and when dessert is served, Annie asks me what my plans are for tomorrow.  
‘I’m going to a biological market tomorrow’ I answer.  
‘Since when do you eat biological?’ Madge asks surprised.  
Gale and Annie look like I told them I could magically turn into a unicorn and Finnick looks like he’s going to burst out into laughter. I can’t blame them – it’s no secret how I feel about overpriced (biological or non-biological) food.  
‘Apparently since tomorrow’ I answer.  
‘You?’ Finnick asks in disbelieve. ‘You’re going to eat biological and _expensive_ food?’ he chuckles. ‘What has gotten into you?’ His eyes turn into wide saucers like he just realised something. ‘Or should I say _someone_? Is it Bread Boy?’ he asks with a mischievous glint in his eyes.  
‘Ooee! Who’s Bread Boy?’ Madge excitedly asks.  
I choose to ignore all the questions about Peeta. ‘I wanted to start eating healthier and figured I would get some bio vegetables’  
‘Who’s Bread Boy?’ Madge asks again with the same degree of curiosity she just had and ignores my attempt to change the subject.  
‘I think eating biological is a great idea’ Annie says, helping me divert the attention to a subject I do want to talk about. _Sweet, sweet Annie_. She turns to Finnick and says ‘We should eat more biological too’ and then she turns to me, ‘Can I come with you tomorrow?’  
‘Uhmm.. I’m actually already going with someone else’ I admit.  
‘With who?’ Annie asks.  
‘My neighbour’  
‘Bread Boy!’ Finnick yells and he cracks up.  
‘Yes and his name is Peeta’  
‘Pita? Like the bread?’ Gale asks.  
‘No, with double e instead of the i’  
‘How remarkable’ Finnick states. ‘His name is a kind of bread and he actually gave you a loaf’  
‘I guess so? I never really thought about it’ I say while rolling my eyes.  
‘So you’re going to a market with your neighbour? Who gave you a loaf? Is there something you’re not telling us?’ Madge asks smiling suggestively. _You have no idea what I’m not telling you._  
Even though Madge and I have been friends for 15 years and she knows very well I’m never going to date, she still hopes I’ll someday introduce her to someone special. ‘Why wouldn’t I go to the market with him?’ I ask annoyed. This conversation is starting to irritate me. ‘He wanted to go there and offered me a ride’ I lie, because I don’t want to tell them the truth. How Peeta asked me to come along, I agreed and he smiled like I agreed to go on a date with him or something.  
‘So there’s nothing going on there?’ Madge asks disappointed.  
‘No!’ I yell. I’m done. ‘There’s nothing going on with him now and there never will be and there will never be something going on with someone else as well! You know that I’m not lying when I say I don’t want to have a boyfriend or a husband and children. I thank God every day I don’t have either!’ _Especially now._ If I wouldn’t survive my cancer and I would leave a husband with children, I basically would do what my mother did to us and that’s my biggest fear.  
‘I like being on my own or being with friends, but not if those friends keep wining about me being single!’ I feel a buzz start in my head and I know what that means – a killer headache is going to torment me again. _Shit.._ ‘I have to go’ I say and I get up.  
‘What?’ Madge asks.  
‘Don’t be ridiculous Katniss’ Gale says. ‘There’s no reason for you to leave’  
‘Please stay, Katniss. I’m sorry I pushed your buttons’ Madge apologises.  
‘No, I have to go home. I’m not feeling well’  
‘A migraine?’ Finnick asks worriedly.  
‘No, I feel a little nauseous. Thanks for the dinner Madge and Gale. Finnick I’ll see you next week for some coffee, I can’t make tomorrow’  
He looks disappointed. ‘Oh’  
‘Annie I’m so happy for you’ I say and I give her a quick hug. ‘I’ll see you guys soon’ I tell my friends and I quickly take my leave before the pain will bring me to my knees. 

 

* * *

 

 

‘How was your night last night?’ Peeta asks me when we drive to the market the following morning.  
‘It was fun’ I answer simply. I don’t feel like telling how annoyed I got due to Madge’s questions and Finnick’s teasing or how I bolted out of there during dessert because my brain tumour was trying to fry my brain. ‘How was yours?’ I ask.  
‘Nothing special. Finished some work and read a book’ Peeta answers.  
‘What book?’ I ask.  
‘Dan Brown’s newest. You know it?’  
‘I think everyone knows it, but I haven’t read it yet’ I answer.  
‘I can lend you mine when I’m finished, if you’d like?’ Peeta asks sweetly. His kind offer makes me smile.  
‘No thank you, he’s not really one of my favourites’  
‘He’s not?’ Peeta practically yells. ‘Than who is?’  
‘J.K. Rowling’ I confess.  
Peeta bursts out into a fit of laughter and I can’t help but join. ‘Stop laughing’ I beg. ‘She’s very talented and Harry Potter is highly addictive’  
‘Okay, okay’ Peeta says and he obeys. ‘I just never imagined you a Harry Potter fan’ he confesses.  
‘Why not?’  
‘You just seem so.. serious’  
‘As in Sirius Black?’ I joke.  
Peeta chuckles.  
‘Sorry, bad pun. But even the most serious people need to escape reality sometimes and what better place to escape to then a world filled with magic?’ God only knows how much I needed to escape when I had to carry our household on my shoulders and Rowling made the perfect escape for me.  
‘You’re right. I just never gave it a change’ Peeta says.  
‘Not even the movies?!’ I yell in disbelieve.  
‘I did watch the first 3 or 4 ones..’ Peeta confesses with a smile.  
‘O my God.. Just drive us to the market Peeta, I need a couple of minutes before I can look you in the eye again’  
He laughs. 

 

******

 

We spend the afternoon strolling around the market. I bought some vegetables and eggs for the next couple of days, even though they were worth almost two weeks of grocery money.. Peeta buys some vegetables, eggs, meat and some yeast to make some bread.  
‘Do you always make your own bread?’ I ask when he’s finished paying at the last stall.  
‘I try to. Growing up in a bakery has made me spoiled – I only like fresh, homemade bread and I like to bake’  
‘I understand. That loaf you gave me was amazing’ I say.  
‘I’ll bake you another one’ Peeta says smiling.  
‘No you don’t have to. Please don’t think I was only complimenting you because I wanted you to bake me another loaf’  
‘Katniss.. I know that’s not why you said it’ Peeta starts. ‘But I’d love to bake you another loaf, if you’ll allow it’  
I feel my cheeks warm up. ‘It would be rude of me to decline your offer, wouldn’t it?’ I ask smiling.  
‘Yes, it would be’ Peeta agrees, smiling broadly back at me.

We decide to get some coffee to warm up. The sun hides behind rainclouds and occasionally a cold wind blows my hair out of my face. Fall is coming.  
‘It’s my favourite season’ Peeta tells me when we drink our coffees in a café.  
‘Really?’ I ask surprised. ‘Because you like rain, wind and grey skies so much?’  
He chuckles. I love the sound he makes when he chuckles. Or when he laughs out loud, or when he laughs at me. ‘No, because all the leaves turn this beautiful shade of orange. It’s my favourite colour’  
‘Orange? Who on earth likes orange?’  
‘Not the bright shade, but more a muted version. Like the orange in a sunset’  
‘Yes sunsets are gorgeous’ I agree. ‘I used to watch the sun rise with my dad when I was younger’ I tell him. I never talk about my parents or my life before I got my job as Paylor’s secretary, it’s just too painful, but with Peeta it feels different. Almost easy.  
He smiles understandingly. I think he feels that I don’t want to talk more about my parents, because he asks what my favourite season is.  
‘Spring’ I answer. ‘Because after a long, cold winter, the world seems to wake up again and everything finally turns green again’  
‘Is green your favourite colour?’  
I nod.  
‘And your favourite animal?’  
I laugh. ‘Why do you want to know all of this?’  
‘I want to get to know you better’ Peeta answers smiling.  
‘I like all animals, except cats – my sister had this horrible cat when we were younger, but I think my favourite animals are probably songbirds and dogs’ I answer. ‘Your turn’ ‘Dolphins. They are so graceful and smart’  
I agree with him.  
We talk some more before we finish our coffees and walk back to Peeta’s car. 

In the car ride home, I realise that I’ve grown really fond of Peeta, even though I’ve only known him for a week. He’s smart, kind, sweet, thoughtful, funny and he’s an amazing baker. His bright blue eyes have the power to take my breath away and I love all of his laughs.  
_Fuck!_ Do I have a crush on my neighbour? O God, I do.. I have to stop this, before my little crush turns into something bigger. Not just because I have a no-dating rule, but also because my decease.. I can’t get romantically involved with someone when I could be dead in 12 months!  
_Romantically involved._ That makes me chuckle a bit. _Me? Dating someone?_ I shake my head. Never going to happen.  
‘What’s so funny?’ Peeta asks me.  
‘Nothing’ I answer.  
‘I was thinking..’ Peeta starts. ‘If you don’t have any plans for tonight, maybe we could make some dinner tonight? With some of the food we just bought?’  
_What?_ O God, what a bad idea. I start to panic a bit. If we are making and eating dinner like a couple and acting like we’re dating, I take the risk of actually falling in love with him. I can’t take that risk. I have to spend _less_ time with him, not _more_.  
My brain orders my mouth to come up with an excuse, but my mouth has a mind of her own. ‘Sure’ I hear myself say. _No! Crap!_  
‘Great’ Peeta says and he gives me a gorgeous, million dollar smile. ‘I was thinking some chicken, roasted potatoes and a salad. What do you think?’  
‘Sounds great’ my mouth says, disobeying me again and my lips even turn into a smile. 

 

******

 

While Peeta is making us dinner in my kitchen – my only demand, he wanted to cook, so I told him he could make the mess in my kitchen – I set up the table. When I’m done, I grab my phone and turn it on. It immediately lets me know I have a few text messages. One from Finnick and a few from Madge.

 **Finnick today 3:03pm:** _Feeling better?_

 **Katniss 7:08pm:** _Yes (:_

 **Madge today 11:13am:** _I’m so sorry about last night. I know you’re not the type who wants to date and stuff, but I got carried away, sorry. Are you feeling any better?_

 **Madge 11:22am:** _I’m sorry I ruined last night, I know everyone was really looking forward to it. I’ll make it up to you guys!_

 **Madge 4:57pm:** _Please answer me Katniss, even if you’re still mad._

 **Katniss 7:10pm:** _I’m not mad. Just wish you guys would stop bugging me about being single._

 **Finnick 7:11pm:** _No more migraines? How was the market?_

 **Katniss 7:12pm:** _No and not feeling nauseous anymore either (: Expensive ;)_

 **Madge 7:13pm:** _I will, getting married to Gale just makes me so happy and I want that kind of happiness for you too. Are you feeling better?_

 **Katniss 7:14pm:** _I feel fine (: I’m really happy for you and Gale, but please understand that that kind of happiness won’t come for me when I’ll get married and have kids, but when I work and spend time with my family and friends._

 **Madge 7:15pm:** _I do! And I respect that. All I want for you to be is happy. I love you Kat_

 **Katniss 7:16pm:** _Love you too._

‘Dinner is ready!’ I hear Peeta say in my small kitchen.  
‘Great, I’m starving!’ I say.

Dinner is amazing. Peeta made us chicken with mozzarella and tomato sauce, roasted potatoes with basil and a Caesar salad. It’s honestly the best damn meal anyone has ever made in my kitchen. I can’t suppress a few moans that escape my lips when I taste the food. I see Peeta’s Adam apple go up and down and his cheeks colour a rosy pink when my enjoyment betrays me.  
I don’t just enjoy the food, but I really enjoy Peeta’s company too. He makes me laugh a lot and when I laugh, his blue eyes seem to shine even more brightly. The voice in my head keeps warning me, but I decide to ignore her for the rest of our evening.  
After dessert – the best apple pie I had in my life – we clean the dishes.  
‘You don’t have to help clean, you already cooked’ I insist.  
‘Exactly, I made the mess’ Peeta says. He dries off a plate and asks me where I keep them.  
‘Right top-drawer’ I answer, but he doesn’t open the right one, he accidently opens the left one. ‘No wait!’ I yell, but it’s too late.  
‘Oxycodone?’ Peeta reads on the bottle. I can hear the shock in his voice. ‘Katniss.. Do you have cancer?’  
I'm si;ent for a moment. i don't know what to say while Peeta's gaze runs over me. ‘How did you know?’ I whisper.  
‘My grandfather took those too when he was battling cancer’ Peeta answers in a quiet tone. ‘Do you have cancer Katniss?’  
My voice is weak when I finally answer. ‘Yes’ 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peeta has found out! How do you think/hope he'll react? Love to hear your thoughts on this chapter! :) xx


	8. Colourful World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is 'Wonderful World' by L. Armstrong. :)

During dinner Peeta’s eyes seemed to sparkle. People could get lost in the galaxy that shines in his eyes, I know I do.  
But now, after I confessed my biggest secret, the galaxy seemed to have been put out.  
Peeta doesn’t say anything, he just looks at me and then he shakes his head. ‘No’ he says and he shakes his head again. ‘No. How?’  
‘I don’t know. I’d like to know that myself’  
‘I thought it was epilepsy’ he says confused. I can see the confusion, hurt and disbelief in his eyes.  
‘It wasn’t epilepsy’ I whisper.  
‘What kind of cancer is it?’  
‘I have a brain tumour and it has spread to my lungs’  
‘What’s your.. your chance?’  
I can’t look at him when I answer. ‘Fifteen percent’  
He puts the dishcloth and the plate on the countertop and walks toward me. He envelops me into a tight, caring hug. His warmth and his smell sooth me and he makes me feel safe. I’m so tired of pretending that I’m fine and strong and Peeta shows me with this hug that I don’t have to be. I feel my carefully build up walls crumble down and before I realise it, I’m sobbing uncontrollably in his arms.  
An endless stream of tears stream down my face, soaking his shirt. For the first time since I got the news I can admit to myself that I’m terrified. I’m terrified of dying, terrified of leaving the people I love, terrified of hurting them.

 

* * *

 

 

It was a month after I told Peeta and he was still the only one of my friends or family who knew. Yes, I considered Peeta a friend now. He promised me he would keep my illness a secret, until I was ready to share it with the world and we rarely spoke about the cancer or my treatment.  
He distracted me, made me laugh and we had dinner together almost every night. If I needed something, like a ride to the hospital or some honey for my sore throat, he had my back.

It was Sunday and the next day I would get my fourth treatment. Peeta had announced that every Sunday before treatment, we would do something fun, to keep my mind off of things. Today we planned to take a hike in the forest my dad taught me how to use a bow.  
‘I haven’t been there in years’ I tell Peeta.  
‘Are you nervous?’ Peeta asks me.  
‘No, I’m sure it hasn’t changed that much’ I joke.  
‘I haven’t been hiking in years. I’m so excited’ Peeta says smiling broadly. ‘Are you sure you want to go there?’ Peeta asks me again, his smile disappearing.  
‘Yes, I’m sure’ I tell Peeta again. ‘It feels like I’m reconnecting with my father in a way and I’m looking forward to it’ I admit.  
Peeta nods. ‘But if you start feeling like you can’t continue the hike, emotionally or physically, tell me, okay?’  
‘I will’

It’s great being back here again – in the woods my dad grew up and where he taught me how to use a bow and how to hunt. I haven’t been here in 9 years, but it feels like I never left. It’s a nice day to be outside. It’s cold, but not too cold and it’s not raining. The sky is a clear blue and the sun is high in the sky.  
I show Peeta the house my father grew up in and the places where he taught me how to hunt and fish. We walk on the paths and Peeta makes photos so he can turn them into sketches and paintings later. That’s another thing I found out about Peeta: he’s an artist. He showed me some of his work and I asked out loud why he became a lawyer if he was that gifted with a pencil. He laughed and told me he became a lawyer so he could help people stand up for themselves.

When we get hungry, we sit down on a bench and eat some lunch. Peeta was sweet enough to make us some chicken sandwiches and he even brought my favourite – cheesebuns.  
‘How can I ever repay you?’ I say when I finish my second cheesebun. ‘These cheesebuns are heavenly’ I sigh with satisfaction.  
Peeta laughs. ‘Well.. I still haven’t heard you sing. You can sing me a song as a thank you’  
Now it’s my turn to laugh. ‘I haven’t sung for a crowd in years, but if that really is what you want..’  
‘It is’ Peeta says smiling.  
‘Fine. We can go to this bar tonight that has an open mic, but in return for a song I want a lifetime filled with cheesebuns’  
We both ignore the fact that my lifetime could be a short 11 months.  
He gives me a sweet smile. ‘Deal’

Sitting on this bench I take a good look around me – again. It’s just so beautiful here. I sigh in satisfaction. Peeta is sketching our view and I can’t blame him. The woods are so colourful, we are surrounded with oranges, reds, yellows, browns and the sky is a gorgeous blue. _Almost as blue as his eyes._  
‘Thank you for reminding me’ I say. Peeta looks up from his sketch and waits for me to continue. ‘That the world we live in so beautiful. Life is hard and unfair and mine is horrible at this moment, but the world is so gorgeous. I always loved the outdoors, especially forests - especially _this_ forest, but I kind of forgot that the last month. Thank you for making me love the world again’  
He smiles. ‘You’re welcome’ 

 

******

 

We go to the Mockingbird, the bar with the open mic, around 9. I have to be in the hospital tomorrow and I need a good night rest before I receive radiation again.  
Peeta is smiling like a child in a candy store and he orders us two cokes. ‘Are you nervous?’ he asks me.  
‘Not really’ I admit. ‘There aren’t that many people here because it’s just 9 o’clock’  
There’s a second reason as to why I’m not nervous. My cancer has put things in perspective for me. I could die any moment, so I’m not wasting a minute being scared about something so small as singing in front of a (small) crowd, but I don’t tell Peeta this thought.  
We sit here for half an hour drinking our cokes and we (try to) enjoy the music – some singers are better than others – until it’s my time to take the stage.  
‘Good luck’ Peeta says.  
‘Thank you’ I say smiling.  
When I take my place behind the mic I hear someone whistle. Peeta. I smile. ‘I’d like to dedicate this song to my friend. He’s this awesome and talented guy who accepts me for who I am and because of him I had an amazing day today, doing things I haven’t done in years. Like singing. I haven’t sung in front of a crowd in years, so please be kind. Peeta – I think you know why I chose this song’  
The band behind me starts to play the song and soon I join with my vocals.

 _I see trees of green, red roses too_  
_I see em bloom, for me and for you_  
_And I think to myself, what a wonderful world._

 _I see skies of blue, clouds of white_  
_Bright blessed days, dark sacred nights_  
_And I think to myself, what a wonderful world._

 _The colours of a rainbow, so pretty in the sky_  
_Are also on the faces of people going by_  
_I see friends shaking hands, saying how do you do_  
_They’re really saying I love you._

 _I hear babies cry, I watch them grow_  
_They’ll learn much more then I’ll never know_  
_And I think to myself, what a wonderful world_

 _The colours of a rainbow, so pretty in the sky_  
_Are there on the faces of people, going by_  
_I see friends shaking hands, saying how do you do_  
_They’re really saying I love you_

 _And I think to myself, what a wonderful world_  
_Yes I think to myself, what a wonderful world._

When I finish my song I get a standing ovation of the ten people that were my audience. Peeta whistles again and when I walk towards him he gives me a tight hug.  
‘You were amazing! Thank you so much!’ he says in my ear.  
I break our hug and smile at him. ‘Was that worth a lifetime of cheesebuns?’ I joke.  
‘Absolutely!’ he laughs. ‘You have an amazing voice. Everyone grew silent when you started to sing’ Peeta keeps complimenting me and a half hour later we’re headed home.

When I lay in my bed, a smile graces my face. Today was a great day, I felt truly happy today. Peeta have me hope that I can be happy even if I’m still ill. He gave me hope I can survive and he gave me the courage to tell my friends and family about my cancer. I’m going to tell them this week.

 

* * *

 

The next day after radiation I’m a mess. The four times I had radiation and the use of the strong pain meds Dr. Aurelius subscribed me, have taken a toll on my body. I’m sitting on my bathroom floor in front of the toilet and puking out my breakfast. I’ve been puking more and more lately and I constantly feel drowsy. The Tuesday’s after radiation I’m so weary, I can hardly concentrate at work and that makes me feel really guilty. Miranda and Samuel have been so generous and considerate towards me, especially the last couple of weeks, that I feel like the least I can do is a good job.  
Tomorrow after work I’m going to Haymitch and during dinner I’m going to tell him about my cancer, but for now, I’m going to bed, I can hardly stand on my feet anymore.

 

* * *

 

 

Tuesday is quite uneventful. Peeta and I drive to work and have lunch together and Miranda asks me a couple of times if I’m doing okay. At 5 o’clock my workday ends and I take the 20 minute bus ride to Haymitch.

‘Look what the cat dragged in’ Haymitch jokes when I enter his house – I have my own key. ‘How’ve you been sweetheart?’  
‘As long as that cat is not Buttercup, I hated that cat’ I joke, ignoring his question.  
Haymitch laughs.  
‘So what 5 star meal have you cooked for us tonight?’ I joke.  
‘Mac ‘n cheese’  
‘You really know the way to my heart’ I say with my hand on my heart. I set the table while Haymitch finishes up dinner.  
We eat dinner in a comfortable silence, but Haymitch picks up on my nervous behaviour (probably because I’m playing with my food) and asks me what’s on my mind.  
‘I have to tell you something’ I say. My serious tone tells Haymitch that something is wrong and he puts down his fork. ‘The last couple of weeks I’ve had this horrible migraines and after I fainted at work, my doctor did an MRI-scan. On this scan the doctor found tumours in my brain and in my lungs. I have cancer’  
Haymitch is silent for a long time. He just looks at me, like he’s waiting for me to confess that it’s a joke and then his face changes.  
‘Don’t look at me like that’ I say. ‘I don’t want your pity’  
He shakes his head. ‘It’s not pity Katniss, it’s anger’  
‘Anger?’  
‘Yes.. I can’t believe you of all people got cancer! You’re the toughest, most head strong person in the world and after all that you’ve been through.. It’s just not fair! I can’t believe it..’  
He asks me what my chances are and what the treatment is going to be. When I tell him I already began radiation 6 weeks ago, he gets furious.  
‘Six weeks ago?! You knew you had cancer for over a month and you didn’t even tell me?’ he yells. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’  
‘I wasn’t ready’ I explain. ‘Telling will make it real and I wasn’t ready yet’  
‘Wait.. Who did you tell?’  
‘Only Miranda and Samuel because I needed days off for radiation’ I answer. ‘And my neighbour’ I add.  
‘You didn’t tell your sister? Or Finnick?’  
‘Not yet’  
‘Are you serious? How can you do this to them?’  
‘I just needed time’ I yell. ‘I needed to believe I can survive this, before I suck them into my drama. This is not something small Haymitch! Their lives are all going to be affected because of me – in a negative way. I couldn’t do that to them. Especially not Prim and Finnick – they are both so happy now’  
The anger that was burning inside of Haymitch seems to have left him and he deflates. ‘You have to tell them. They deserve to know. What if they find out you have cancer after you collapse on the street and die? Don’t do this to them’  
‘I’m going to tell them this Friday’ I say.  
‘Good, because this is not a battle you can win on your own. You need your friends and family’s support’  
‘I know’  
‘And we are here for you. Remember what I said all those years ago: our families take care of each other. Tell me what you need and when you need it and I’ll make sure you get it’  
‘Thank you’

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She's starting to let people know. Who do you think is next?  
> Any thoughts/feelings regarding this chapter? Love to hear 'em! :)


	9. Primrose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are mine. Hope you enjoy :)

Haymitch promised me that if I wouldn’t tell Prim this Friday, he would tell her Saturday. I assured him he didn’t have to, that I was determined to tell her during dinner with Rory. It seemed like the perfect moment: it would just be the three of us and Rory would be there for Prim. He could comfort her if I failed to do so.   
Miranda and Samuel were relieved I finally told Haymitch and Peeta was proud I finally was going to tell Prim. He told me I had lived in denial long enough, that it was time to live the truth. I knew he was right.   
Prim told me salmon was on the menu and I’d promised to bring some wine and a dessert. Wine I could manage, but dessert? Not really, so I asked Peeta if he could make me a dessert for Friday and he promised he would try. He fulfilled his promise. Friday morning in the car ride to work, he told me he made me an apple pie.   
‘An apple pie? Like that amazing apple pie you made us when we had dinner after the market?’   
‘That’s the one’ Peeta tells me smiling.   
‘You didn’t have to do that’ I say, a little blown away by the gesture.   
‘I wanted to. I know how much you enjoyed that pie’   
‘I love your apple pie’ I say smiling. ‘Thank you so much. Now I have a reason to look forward to tonight’ my voice falters a bit.   
‘Are you nervous?’   
‘Yes, but I mostly feel really sad. I’m going to bring my sister so much pain and there is nothing I can do about it’   
‘It’s not your fault’ Peeta tries to assure me.   
‘No, but it does feel like that’ 

 

******

 

**Madge today 1:03pm:** _Want to go to the movies tomorrow?_

Tonight is going to be hell, so maybe going to the movies with my friend tomorrow will do me good. It will also be the last fun thing I will do before everyone in my life will know about my cancer, because after I’ll tell Prim tonight, I’m planning on telling my friends as soon as possible.

**Katniss 1:05pm:** _Sounds fun, but no drama or romance. I’m in the mood for something funny or scary. (:_

**Madge 1:06pm:** _Deal (: We can go to the minions 3d or Ted 2. There’s not really something scary tomorrow night._

**Katniss 1:07pm:** _Than I guess the minions, because I haven’t seen Ted 1 yet._

**Madge 1:08pm:** _Yes! I was hoping you’d say that (; The minions are so awesome, but Gale doesn’t want to see it. :/_

**Katniss 1:09pm:** _So I was your back-up plan? That makes me really happy (;_

**Madge 1:10pm:** _You know I don’t mean it like that. (; I’ll see you tomorrow, love you xx_

 

******

 

‘Katniss! You’re here!’ Prim says smiling while she gives me a bone crushing hug. I wrap my hands around my little sister and laugh at the contrast between this greeting and the one that Haymitch gave me last Tuesday.   
‘Hey Little Duck, thank you for having me’ I say. I haven’t been in Prim and Rory’s apartment yet. After they decided to move in together, Prim gave up the lease on her apartment and moved in in Rory’s apartment, but I wasn’t allowed to see it yet, before they finished re-furnishing, re-decorating and re-painting everything. Prim told me the apartment desperately needed a woman’s touch.   
‘I’m so glad you’re here!’ Prim excitedly says and my nerves grow. ‘What did you bring for dessert?’   
‘Apple pie’ I answer while we walk to the kitchen.   
‘Yummy. From the store?’   
‘No, it’s homemade’   
Prim stops in her tracks. ‘You made an apple pie?’ she asks shocked.   
‘No, of course not Little Duck. A friend made it’   
‘Okay, I was a little in shock’ she says. ‘Wait.. What friend?’   
‘My neighbour’ I answer. The neighbour I absolutely do _not_ have a crush on.   
‘Tell me about this neighbour’ Prim says, smiling suggestively.   
‘She’s an old woman. Very nice’ I lie. I’m not having this conversation again.   
‘Katniss! Welcome in our home’ Rory says, as he walks into the kitchen with a couple of candles. He puts them on the table and turns to me.   
‘Thank you for having me Rory’ I say while we give each other a hug.   
‘I brought some wine and an apple pie’   
‘You’re the best’ Rory says smiling. 

_I’m going to tell them now._   
‘Katniss, we have something to tell you’ Prim says, interrupting my thoughts while I’m eating my salmon. She smiles excitedly at Rory and he answers that smile with a bright one of his own. Rory puts his arm around Prim’s shoulders and they both turn to me again.   
‘We are engaged!’ Prim yells excitedly. _Okay, I’m not telling them anymore._   
‘Really?’ I ask with a huge smile.   
‘Rory asked me yesterday and I said yes’   
‘O my God, that’s amazing guys’ I say and I get out of my chair and walk towards my sister. ‘I’m so happy for you Little Duck’ I say in a loving hug. I kiss her cheek. ‘Congratulations’   
I turn to Rory and give him a hug as well. ‘You too! Thank you for making my sister so happy’ I feel a happy tear run over my cheek. I’m so happy for my sister. Whatever is going to happen to me, she’s going to be okay. She has Rory. He’ll always take care of her and make her smile. And that thought makes _me_ smile.

Prim tells with tears in her eyes how Rory proposed. She was coming home from work and there was a path of rose petals leading her towards the balcony. On the balcony was Rory, surrounded by dozens of tea lights. He kneeled down on one knee and according to Prim, he held a super romantic speech and asked her if she wanted to spend the rest of her life as his wife. I admit to Rory that was really romantic and I pay him my compliments.   
‘Will you be my maid of honour Katniss?’ Prim asks me.   
‘Of course! Everything for you, Little Duck’ I say.   
‘Everything?’ Prim asks me. ‘Would you even stop using that nickname?’   
I know she doesn’t like it when I use that nickname, but I love it. It reminds me of the sweet little girl she was when she was a child. ‘Okay, almost everything’ I laugh.   
Prim tells me she’s going to ask Haymitch to walk her down the aisle and I tell her that’s an amazing idea.   
Then I have to ask her something I’m afraid to hear the answer of. ‘When is the wedding?’   
They look at each other. ‘Well, Gale and Madge are getting married in 6 months in April and we wanted there to be a few months between our weddings, so we were thinking July’   
_July?_ That’s still 9 months away. I try to ignore the nervousness that’s running through my veins. I don’t know if I’m still here in 9 months...   
‘July? But that’s so far away’ I try.   
‘Not really’ Prim disagrees. ‘Planning a wedding takes a lot of time and mom and dad got married in July too. I’d like to get married in the same month they did’ she says with a sweet smile.   
I give her a small smile that almost reaches my eyes. ‘You’re right’   
The rest of the dinner we talk about their upcoming wedding and the amazing dessert my “old female neighbour” made. 

 

* * *

 

 

‘I didn’t tell her’ I inform Haymitch the next morning over the phone.   
‘Why not?’ he demands. ‘I know this isn’t easy sweetheart, but you have to tell her’   
‘I was going to, but then she and Rory shared some amazing news that needed to be celebrated. I couldn’t ruin the best thing ever for my sister. She doesn’t deserve that’   
‘What was so amazing that you couldn’t share that you are dying?’   
I sigh. ‘I’m going to let her tell you that. She deserves to be the one who tells you her amazing news and she deserves a real reaction from you, not a fake one’   
‘When are you going to tell her?’   
‘Next Friday, when me and my friends have our monthly dinner. I already invited her’   
‘Good’ Haymitch says and he is silent for a second. ‘How are you feeling sweetheart?’   
‘Tired and nauseous’ I answer. ‘Side effects of the pain meds’ I explain.   
‘If you need anything, give me a call’   
‘I will’ I say and I yawn. ‘I’m going to take a nap now’  
‘Sweet dreams sweetheart’

Finnick and I are supposed to drink some coffee this afternoon like we do every Saturday, but I feel too sick to leave my apartment and decide to cancel – again. It’s the third time in the last four weeks that I cancel and I know Finnick is not going to be happy. Growing up I saw him every day and even after my dad died and I had to take three jobs, I still saw him more days in the week than not. When we both got fulltime jobs we agreed to see each other every Saturday to catch up. For a very long time we were the most important person in each other’s lives and even when that changed, our friendship never did.

**Finnick today 13:03pm:** _Again? ): Are you ill?_

**Katniss 13:04pm:** _No, I have plans with Prim._

I text Prim quickly.

**Katniss 13:05pm:** _If Finnick asks, we’re spending the afternoon together._

I turn off my phone to avoid any follow-up questions from both Finnick and Prim, puke my guts out in the toilet and go to bed. Five seconds after my head hits the pillow, I’m sound asleep.

 

******

 

‘Katniss! Katniss! Wake up!’ I hear someone yell. Someone is shaking me while I’m still lying in my bed and I open my eyes.   
My eyes meet the worried blue ones of my sister’s. ‘Prim?’ I ask confused, still half asleep. ‘What are you doing here?’   
‘Well, when you texted me that you were using me as an excuse to bail on Finnick, I got worried. Why wouldn’t you want to meet up with him? And you know I don’t like to lie to anyone, so I figured we could turn your lie into the truth. I figured we could drink some tea here and flip through some bridal magazines or something..’   
‘How did you get in?’ I ask confused.   
‘With my key of course’ she answers. _Right, she has a key.._ ‘I rang the doorbell to let you know I was here, but when you didn’t answer I let myself in thinking you were showering or something. I didn’t expect to find you asleep and when you didn’t wake up I kind of started to panic..’   
‘Sorry’ I say. ‘I was really tired’   
‘From what? And when did you start napping? You’ve never taken a nap in your life’ she asks confused.   
Looking into the worried eyes of my sister, I know I can’t lie to her anymore. It's over. There’s no use and she’ll figure it out eventually anyway. I’d rather have her find out from me, than that she’ll find some pain meds or something like Peeta did. ‘Prim, I have to tell you something’ I say. ‘Let’s go to the living room’

We both sit down on the couch and my sister grows quiet. She can tell by my facial expression and my body language that this is something serious.   
‘The reason I was so tired this afternoon is because of some pain meds I’m taking. It’s one of the side effects’ I begin and then I finally tell my sister what I should’ve told her months ago. ‘I have cancer’ I say.   
‘What?’ she says. ‘No. No.’ she shakes her head. ‘You can’t have cancer’ she looks at me with fear in her eyes.   
‘Sorry Little Duck’ I say in a small voice and I feel my eyes well up.   
I tell her all she wants to know. What type it is, what my chances are, my treatment, what type of pain meds I’m taking. She starts to cry and begs me to tell her it’s not true, but I can’t and she knows why. She buries her face in her hands while she cries her heart out. I start to cry too. Seeing the pain my dear sister has to endure because of me, breaks my heart.   
‘I’m so sorry Prim’ I keep saying.   
‘No, no. It can’t be true’ she says between her cries. I draw her into a hug and try to comfort her. I kiss her crown and stroke her back, just like I did when our dad had died and when our mom passed away. ‘Please don’t leave me’ she begs me again and again.   
‘I’m not going to’ I keep saying while the tears run over my cheek.   
‘You can’t promise me that’ she says, still crying her eyes out. ‘I can’t live without you Katniss. I won’t be able to..’   
‘You won’t have to’ I promise. ‘I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that you won’t have to’

We sit like this for hours – on the couch, a shaking Prim in my arms, both of us crying until our bodies can’t produce tears anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was not an easy chapter. I hope I didn't disappoint you guys and girls and that you felt the feels ;)  
> So, moment of truth: what did you think/feel?  
> (any type of feedback is very, very welcome :) )


	10. Honesty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably the chapter you've all been waiting on ;)  
> All mistakes are mine!

I also cancelled my plans with Madge. After my emotional afternoon with Prim, I’m not up for it and Prim is still with me. I doubt she will ever leave my side now.  
We’re still sitting on the couch, now with a cup of tea, when someone knocks on my door. That can only be one person.  
I open the door to find him standing there. ‘Hey’ I say with a broken voice.  
‘Hey..’ he starts. ‘Is this a good time?’  
‘Not really. I just told Prim, so we’re both kind of emotionally drained’  
‘I’m sorry.. but I’m really proud of you for finally telling her. I thought you told her last night and I got worried when I didn’t hear anything from you. I expected to hear something from you’  
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t get a chance yesterday and I wasn’t feeling so great today. Especially not after I told Prim’  
‘I understand. Is there anything I can do for the two of you?’  
I smile. _Always so kind._ ‘No, thank you’ I answer and we say our goodbyes.

‘Who was that?’ Prim asks me when I join her on the couch.  
‘My neighbour’ I answer.  
‘I heard the two of you talk. He knows’  
‘Yes’ I admit.  
‘How long has he known?’ Prim asks me.  
‘For about a month’  
‘He has known for a month?’ Prim asks mad.  
‘How could you tell him a few weeks after you found out, but not your sister or friends? He’s a stranger!’ she’s really upset.  
‘He’s not a stranger to me and I never wanted to tell him before I had the chance to tell you. He found out by accident. I wanted to tell you last night, but I couldn’t ruin one of the best nights of your life’ I try to explain.  
‘Why did you wait so long?’  
I try to explain to her why, but she’s still really upset and I understand. If I was in her shoes, I’d be really upset as well. ‘I didn’t want you to be a casualty of my life or see the pity in your eyes’  
‘Is that all you see in my eyes? Pity?’ she asks quietly. ‘Because there’s also a lot of love in them, I can tell you that and I can’t even see my eyes’  
She’s right, of course.  
‘Sorry’ I say.  
‘Have you told Haymitch?’  
‘Yes, last Tuesday’  
‘How did he take it?’  
‘Okay I guess’ I say. ‘He’s not as emotional as you’ I try to joke.  
‘Not funny Katniss’ she says and she wipes a tear from her cheek.  
‘Sorry..’ I say.  
‘And stop apologising. This is not your fault!’ she’s quiet for a moment. ‘When are you going to tell your friends?’  
‘I was thinking next Friday. You’re still coming with me, right?’ ‘Of course’ she says and we give each other a hug again.

 

* * *

 

 

Prim stays with me the rest of the weekend. Unfortunately, it’s not a fun, sisterly bonding sleepover, since Sunday is a particular hard day for me. I can’t seem to stomach any food, I have to fill my body with pain meds and I’m constantly dizzy. I’m in and out of bed.  
My sister is a saint. She keeps me hydrated, cleans the toilet multiple times and keeps me as comfortable as possible. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her.  
My lungs are getting irritable due to the radiation and I can’t seem to stop coughing, so Prim makes me a lot of tea with honey. When I suddenly start having nosebleeds, I start to panic. It’s not like I can’t handle blood, but I’ve never had a nosebleed in my life, so this shows me how much my body is suffering from the inside.  
I start to cry and Prim comforts me and cleans my face. ‘I’m so scared’ I admit. ‘I don’t want to die’  
‘I know’ Prim says. ‘but you’re not going to’ she says in a tone that is not to be trifled with, so I agree.

‘You don’t have to this’ I say when Prim brings me to bed again. ‘You can go home if you want to’  
‘You took care of me my entire life. It’s time I return that favour’ she says and she lovingly strokes the back of my head.  
‘You don’t have to’ I assure her.  
‘Yes, I do’ she says. ‘And even if I didn’t have to, I want to’ She kisses my crown. ‘Sweet dreams Katniss’

The next time I wake up, Prim has cleaned my apartment, has watered the few plants I own and has made us dinner. Something light I can stomach: a salad and some rise.  
‘It’s delicious Prim’ I say.  
‘Thank you. Can you hold it in?’ she asks me.  
I nod.  
‘Are you going to work tomorrow?’ Prim asks me.  
‘Of course’  
‘Do you think you can handle it?’  
‘Yes, I’ll be fine. I have to be’  
‘No Katniss, you don’t have to be. You have cancer! It’s okay to give in if you don’t feel better and stay at home to rest. I’ll stay with you tomorrow, so I can take care of you’ ‘I’m sure I’ll be feeling much better tomorrow Duck and I want to work. It gets my mind off of things and Miranda counts on me’  
‘Than I’ll drive you to work’  
‘You don’t have to, I can carpool with Peeta’  
‘Your neighbour? Why is he bringing you to work?’ Prim asks confused.  
‘He’s a lawyer at the firm’ I explain.  
‘Okay’ she says. I’m certain that if I didn’t have cancer and she would’ve found out I’m spending quite a lot of time with my handsome neighbour, she would have asked my ears off about him. Questions like if I liked him, what we were doing together, if I wanted to jump his bones and etc., but they don’t come now. Asking questions or just talking about something in the future is really painful for the both of us, but I still want her to be excited about her wedding. It’s supposed to be the most happiest day of her live, so I ask her about it.  
‘I don’t want to talk about it now..’ she says sad.  
‘Prim..’ I begin. ‘Please don’t let my cancer ruin your life. You were so excited to get married to Rory and have a big wedding.. Don’t let my disease take that away from you’ ‘Katniss.. I just can’t focus on something good or nice right now..’  
‘We have to, especially now. I’m your maid of honour and we are going to pick out dresses, the cake, the music and everything else’ I’m not an expert on weddings and don’t know what more there is to do, but I’m sure it’s a lot.  
‘Okay..’ Prim begrudgingly says.  
‘It’ll be fun’ I say smiling.  
‘Not for you – you’re going to hate it’ Prim says laughing.  
‘Probably’ I agree.  
We both laugh.

 

* * *

 

 

‘Are you sure you don’t want to stay at home?’ Prim asks me the following morning for the hundredth time. ‘I’m sure’ I answer again. ‘I’ll stay here to clean your apartment some more and get you some groceries’  
‘Don’t be ridiculous’ I try.  
Prim ignores me. ‘If you need anything – _anything_ , call me immediately’  
‘I will Little Duck’ I give her a hug and go to Peeta.

 

******

 

I’m telling Miranda what’s on her schedule today when I feel something dripping from my nose. I stop talking and bring my hand to my face.  
‘Katniss..’ Miranda worriedly says when she sees the blood.  
‘Sorry Ms. Paylor, I’m having a nosebleed’  
‘It’s okay Katniss. Why don’t you sit down on the couch?’ she says.  
I sit down and Miranda sits next to me and hands me a tissue. ‘I’m sorry’ I apologise again while trying to stop the bleeding. She just strokes my back and tells me it’s fine.  
My head starts to spin so badly and I can’t tell right from left anymore.  
‘I don’t feel so-‘ and then everything becomes black in front of my eyes.

‘Katniss? Can you hear me?’ I hear Miranda say when I open my eyes. I’m looking at the worried faces of Miranda, Samuel and Peeta.  
‘Yes’ I say. I try to get up from the floor and Miranda helps me to get on the couch again.  
‘I already called your sister, she’ll be her any minute’ Peeta says.  
‘No, I’m fin-‘  
‘You’re not’ Miranda sternly says, cutting me off. ‘You need to go home and get some rest’  
‘No, I-‘ I try.  
‘Yes, Katniss’ Samuel says.  
‘I’m so sorry’ I say.  
‘Don’t be’ Miranda kindly says. ‘Don’t worry about us, just go home. We’ll see you tomorrow’  
That’s the moment Prim bursts into Miranda’s office. ‘O my God, Katniss’ she says and I can see she’s battling her tears. She sits down next to me on the couch and holds me in her arms. ‘I told you not to go to work’ she says looking at me. Then she turns to Miranda, Samuel and Peeta ‘I told her not to go to work!’  
‘How are you feeling now?’ Prim asks me and she looks at me through her nurses eyes. She shines a bright light in my eyes to check if my pupils are dilating.  
‘I’m fine’ I say.  
‘I’m taking you home. Now’ she says and I know I’m not going to win the argument, so I let her take me home.

 

* * *

 

 

‘Looking forward to tonight?’ Prim asks me. She tries to give me a smile, but she fails miserably.  
‘No’ I say. It’s Friday and Prim and I are about to leave to Madge and Gale’s place. They’re hosting our monthly get together again. ‘I really don’t want to. Do I have to?’  
‘You already know the answer to that one Katniss’  
I sigh. I do.  
‘Let’s go’ she says.

Prim promises me she won’t say a word and that I get to decide when I want to tell my friends this evening. I first want to enjoy their laughter and stories, so I decide to do it after dessert.  
Madge and Gale tell us about the band they decided to hire for their wedding reception.  
‘You hired a band? So you want to dance at your wedding?’ I ask.  
‘Of course we’re going to dance at our wedding Katniss!’ Madge laughs.  
‘So, Gale, who has the dance ability of a broom, is going to dance?’ I joke. Everyone laughs, even Gale.  
‘Yes, Gale is going to dance too’ Madge answers smiling. ‘We already began taking dance lessons’ Gale turns red as a beet and none of us can stop our laughter.  
‘Gale? Taking dance lessons?’ I say when I catch my breath again. ‘Never thought I’d live to see that day’  
Prim chokes in her drink due to my stupid comment. _Live to see that day_ – I should’ve said something else. I stroke her back and ask her if she’s okay. She gives me a weak smile and nods.

‘Prim congrats on getting engaged!’ Annie excitedly says. ‘Have you start planning yet?’  
‘Thank you. We’re really excited’ Prim says emotionless and with a weak smile. Everyone looks at her confused about her timid reaction and she quickly takes another zip of her drink.  
‘How’s your job Annie?’ I blurt out to divert the attention from Prim.  
‘Great!’ Annie answers with excitement burning bright in her eyes. ‘Today I had to check in a flight to Mexico. Remember that year we all went there for a week?’  
‘Yes, that was awesome!’ Finnick says and his eyes find mine.  
I laugh. ‘That was the best vacation of my life’ I say. It was also the only one I had taken as an adult. As a kid me and my family had gone camping every summer, but after my dad died, I didn’t have the time or money to spare for such a thing. Four years ago the five of us had taken a trip to Mexico.  
I had saved two years for that trip and it had been worth every penny. It was the best week of my life.  
Finnick eyes light up like he just had the best idea ever. ‘I have an amazing idea!’ he enthusiastically says. ‘Why don’t we take a trip together like that again?! This time with Adam obviously’ he turns to Prim. ‘And you and Rory should join us this time as well’  
‘That would be great!’ Madge agrees.  
‘Yes, that would be so much fun!’ Annie practically yells.  
_Shit._ ‘I can’t’ I say.  
‘Why not?’ Finnick asks disappointed.  
‘Prim and I already have plans to go somewhere this simmer’ I lie. ‘Right Prim?’  
I look at my sister and see her fake smile turn into a real frown. Her eyes start to water and she starts to cry. ‘I’m sorry Katniss’ she says while she covers her face with her hands and her whole physic starts to shake. ‘I just can’t keep-‘ she says, cutting herself off with her sobs.  
_It’s over. I have to tell them now._ I can’t make her keep my secret when it’s hurting her so much, so I turn to my friends and I finally tell them.  
‘I have cancer’

While I tell my friends what has really going on in my life the last couple of months, I watch the different kind of emotions that show on my friends’ faces.  
Gale’s showing me disbelieve.  
Madge sadness.  
Finnick fear.  
And Annie confusion.

‘How is this possible?’ Gale asks no one particular in the room.  
Madge starts to cry and Gale comforts her.  
Everyone is quiet for a moment, except for Madge and Prim who are still crying and then Annie asks me why I waited this long to tell them.  
‘Let’s go Annie’ Finnick says angrily and he gets out of his chair. The fear in his eyes has turned into anger.  
‘What?’ Annie asks confused.  
‘If my _best friend_ really had cancer, she would’ve told me when she found out. Not two months later!’ he yells with a furious expression that he’s giving me.  
‘Finnick we’re not leaving’ Annie says, still sounding confused.  
‘Fine. You can stay, but I’m going!’ he says and he walks out of the room and he slams the door behind him.  
‘Finnick?!’ Annie yells and she storms off, following her husband.  
Annie and Finnick don’t come back and a few minutes later we hear a car start and drive away.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this was not the chapter you were waiting on, then what is? :)
> 
> Please share your thoughts & feels with me! :D xx


	11. The Bucket List

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you'll enjoy! :)

 

It’s Saturday afternoon and Peeta and I are playing Monopoly. Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital again, so Peeta and I decided to have a “childhood games” day.

‘I can’t believe Finnick stormed off like that’ Peeta says.   
‘I can..’ I say. ‘I want to buy this street’ I give the bank the money and Peeta hands me the card. ‘He’s upset I didn’t tell him before last night. I guess he just doesn’t want to see me for a while’ I sigh.   
‘And that gives him the right to storm off like that?’ Peeta says upset. ‘I didn’t think so!’   
‘You don’t know him! Or the type of bond we share, so stop judging!’ I say, now mad as well.   
Peeta looks at me for a second. ‘Sorry’ he says. ‘You’re right. Did you speak with Annie or Finnick after last night?’   
‘Annie called this morning to apologise for Finnick’s behaviour and for leaving so abruptly, but I wasn’t feeling so well, so we didn’t have a chance to really talk. Finnick texted me this morning to cancel our coffee plans, but I already expected that..’   
Peeta nods and buys a street. ‘How did the rest of your gang take it?’ he asks.   
I throw the dice and answer. ‘Madge couldn’t stop crying..’ I say and the tears run over my cheek. ‘Prim couldn’t either’   
Peeta squeezes my hand to show me that he’s here for me. I give him a weak smile as a thank you.

We both turn to the door when we hear the front door buzzer go off.   
I get out of my chair to walk to the intercom. ‘Hello?’ I ask the intruder.   
‘Katniss…’ I hear Finnick say. ‘It’s me’   
A beat of silence.   
‘Can I come in?’ he asks me.   
I don’t answer, but I buzz him in. I turn to Peeta. ‘It’s Finnick’   
‘You let him in?’ Peeta asks surprised.   
‘Of course.. He’s my best friend..’   
‘Are you sure you want to see him?’   
‘Like I said: he’s my best friend. Thank you for keeping me company today Peeta, but I need to speak with Finnick alone’ I say and I try to give him a smile.   
Peeta gives me a hug and I try not to get to overwhelmed by his delicious scent. ‘It was my pleasure’ Peeta assures me and he gives me a gorgeous smile that I can’t help but return. ‘If you need anything, I’m just a few feet away’

‘Hey’ Finnick says when he enters my apartment.   
‘Hey’ I say.   
Neither one of us smiles at the other and we don't give each other a hug either, like we always do when we greet each other.  
‘Katniss, I’m so, so sorry about yesterday’ Finnick apologises and I can see the truth of his words in his eyes.   
‘It’s okay’ I involuntarily say.  
‘It’s really not’   
‘Fine. It was a pretty dick move’ I agree.   
‘I’m so sorry’ Finnick says again.   
We are silent for a moment.   
‘I guess I understand why you left’ I say.   
‘No, I don’t think you do’ Finnick says and he’s probably right. To quote Hermione Granger: I have the emotional ability of a teaspoon and Finnick knows this. But I have to admit, I’ve been much more in touch with my emotions these last couple of months – for obvious reasons.   
Finnick nervously paces through my apartment before he stops and tries to explain himself. ‘I- I wasn’t just mad that you waited _two months_ to tell me that you have cancer Katniss. I was also terrfied’  
‘Terrified?’ I ask confused.   
Finnick doesn’t answer, but starts pacing through my apartment again.   
‘Of what?’ I ask.   
‘Of losing you!’ he yells and he stops in his tracks. ‘I’m terrified that I’m going to lose you!’ he looks at me and he breaks. He starts to cry like I’ve never seen him cry. In the 18 years we’ve been friends, I’ve seen him cry a couple of times, but never like the broken man he is right this moment.

I lead him towards my couch and I try to comfort him. With all the practice I got lately in comforting people I had hoped I would’ve gotten better at it, but I still feel like I’m doing a poor job.   
‘I can’t lose you Katniss’ Finnick says between sobs. ‘You are my best friend’   
I have to stifle a sob. ‘You’re mine too’ We sit in silence for some time and I let Finnick calm down.   
‘This is my worst nightmare’ he admits. ‘That something happens to you or Adam. Or Annie. That I’m going to lose one of you’   
‘Nothing is going to happen to me. I’m staying right here’ my words sound hollow and I try to give him a brave smile, but I fail.

Finnick enthusiastically nods. ‘Yes. Nothing is going to happen to you. You’ve survived so much already. You are strong Katniss, you can do this’   
I try to smile. _Don’t let him see your fear._ ‘Thank you’ I say and then I realise I have something important to say to him in case I never get the chance to say it. ‘And thank you for being my friend. You helped me so much and always made me laugh. As kids we had so much fun together and after my dad died, you were the only one I could count on and the only one who could make me smile. Thank you for always having my back and for being my best friend for 18 years’   
‘I wasn’t much of a friend to you yesterday..’ Finnick mumbles.   
‘No, but one moment of being a bad friend does not outweigh 18 years of being an amazing one’   
A single tear escapes him and runs over his cheek. ‘You were an amazing friend to me too Katniss. I only graduated high school because of all of your tutoring lessons and for years you were the only one who believed in me. Not to mention you set me and Annie up, so I even owe my wife and my son to you..’

He grabs my hand and looks me in my eyes. The green orbs that have been my constant companion for the last 18 years have never looked at me like this. Pain and gratitude fill his gorgeous greens. ‘Everything I have in my life, I owe to you. My family, my friends, even my job. Thank you’   
‘I was just paying you back for all the things you did for me’ I joke. Finnick takes me into a hug and I nestle my face in the crook of his neck. My senses fill with his salty scent and it makes me relax immediately. His presence always comforted me and I realise how much I’ve missed him the couple of months, how much keeping my secret had hurt me. Who was I kidding? I can’t do this alone any longer. I need my friends. I need Finnick.   
Tears stream down my face and land on Finnick’s neck. It’s now his turn to comfort me and I remember that’s what being friends really means.   
You take turns taking care of each other.

Finnick and I spend the rest of the afternoon reminiscing about our past. How much we enjoyed being on the swim team, how much we both loved my dad as our coach, the summers we spend hanging out at ‘our’ lake, about the teachers we had in high school, that one time I sang at a talent show and Finnick accompanied me on his guitar, the time we drove into a light pole with Finnick’s dad’s car, the vacation to Mexico and the bachelor party I threw Finnick as his ‘Best Maid’.   
We share a lifetime worth of memories with each other. We witnessed each other’s highs and lows.

We talk about everything, but there is always one thing we don’t talk about and don’t mention now: our kiss.

 

******

 

Finnick stays for dinner. Both of us aren’t up for cooking, so we order a pizza.   
‘How are you feeling?’ Finnick asks me when the entire pizza has disappeared.   
‘Stuffed’ I answer.   
‘You know what I mean’   
‘I’m not in denial anymore. I actually have cancer – I finally believe it and that makes me feel.. sad? No, not just sad. I’m devastated’ I admit. A moment passes before I quietly add ‘There is still so much I want to do..’ I say and the tears run over my cheeks again. ‘I still hoped that one day I would be a vet. I wanted to visit Iceland one day, see the magnificent nature with my own eyes. I wanted to own a dog someday, you know a chocolate coloured Labrador… I didn’t even get to own my own car…’   
‘You can still do those things! Your cancer is just a bump in the road. In a year everything will return to normal and you can do all of those things..’ Finnick says sounding upset. He desperately wants me to agree with him, to assure him everything will be fine. But I can’t. I know I can’t make those promises.   
‘Finnick..’ I try.   
‘No!’ he says and I can see the panic in his eyes.   
We just stare at each other for a while, before I decide to break the silence. ‘Will you help me make a bucket list?’ I ask Finnick. It’s an idea that’s been going through my mind for quite some time now.   
‘Katniss..’ he shakes his head. ‘Bucket lists are for people who know they are going to die. You don’t know that’   
‘I only have a chance if the radiation works’ I explain to him. ‘If it doesn’t work I have only ten months left. I want to make a bucket list’   
‘Okay..’ he says and he sounds defeated.

‘What do you want to do?’ Finnick asks me, with a pen in his hand hovering over a piece of paper. He’s still not enthusiastic and I decide to ignore this.   
‘Nothing unachievable like going to China or diving in de Red Sea. I don’t have the time or money to do something that extravagant’ I say.  
Finnick nods.   
‘I just want to do something that I love with my friends and family. Like swimming at the waterfalls with Prim. We did that a lot after our dad passed’   
‘Okay’ Finnick says and he writes it down.   
‘Remember those nights when we snuck out to our lake with some beer and we just watched the stars?’ I ask.   
Finnick smiles at the memories. ‘Of course’   
‘I want to do that again with you. Just the two of us’   
Finnick writes my request down with a smile.   
I’m quiet for a couple of moments and think about the third wish. ‘I want to go to a corn maze with Peeta’   
Finnick laughs. ‘A corn maze? How did you think of that one?’   
‘It just seems fun’ I say smiling.   
‘And with Peeta?’ Finnick asks surprised.   
I nod. ‘We became good friends the last couple of weeks’   
‘Does he know?’   
I just nod. I don’t want to get into the details of how Peeta found out or when, because I know Finnick won’t be too happy about the fact he heard after my neighbour. ‘Oh! I know the next one!’ I say enthusiastically. ‘I want to go to Sae’s Diner to eat some pancakes’   
Sae’s diner is a place I made a lot of fond memories. My family celebrated all of our birthdays and accomplishments there. Finnick, Madge and I were addicted to Sae’s milkshakes in high school and for a long time, we went there almost every Friday after school.   
‘I haven’t been there in years!’ Finnick says surprised. ‘I totally forgot about that place. With who do you want to go there?’   
‘Me neither’ I look up from the paper and smile at Finnick. ‘With everyone. You, Annie, Adam, Prim, Rory, Madge, Gale, Peeta and Haymitch’   
‘Great idea’ Finnick nods and he writes something down. ‘Next one’ he says.   
‘I want to go cake tasting with Madge for her wedding’   
Finnick writes down what I just said and when he’s done he looks up at me expectantly. He notices that my cheerful expression from a moment ago has changed into a sad one. He mirrors the sad look in my eyes and waits for me to tell him my next wish.

My voice is a sad and broken whisper when I finally talk again. ‘I want to see my sister get married’ Finnick nods and when he writes my last wish down, I have to blink away the tears.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you feel about Katniss' bucket list? :) I wanted her to spend some special time with her friends/family and let them have an extra fond memory of Katniss :) 
> 
> Love to hear from you! :)


	12. Checking off - part 1

After Finnick and I finished my bucket list I informed everyone what I was planning to do. I wanted to do everything as quick as possible. I had a feeling I was running out of time and I knew that in a few short months I wasn’t going to enjoy anything anymore because I would feel too sick to do anything.

After Finnick left – I had to push him out of my apartment and he made me promise I would let him drive me to the hospital the next morning –, I looked over my list again with a critical eye.

_**1\. Prim waterfalls** _   
_**2\. Stargazing Finnick** _   
_**3\. Corn maze Peeta** _   
_**4\. Sae’s Diner everyone** _   
_**5\. Cake tasting Madge** _   
_**6\. Prim’s wedding** _

 

I liked my list, but I hadn’t considered that it was almost November, so I couldn’t go swimming with Prim or to a corn maze with Peeta. If Prim and I just spend some time at the waterfalls where we had swum dozens of times as kids, I would be content. And with Peeta I could go to a normal maze, or we would just go hiking again. I didn’t really care, I just wanted to spend some time with him.

Madge’s cake tasting was in a couple of days and maybe all of us could go to Sae’s Diner with Christmas.

My main concern was number 6: Prim’s wedding. I had to be there. I would do everything in my power and more to see my sister get married. I would stay healthy and strong until her wedding and let my body fall apart after that if my body needed to.

Peeta sends me a sweet _Good luck tomorrow!_ text when I’m headed to bed and that makes me fall asleep with a smile.

 

* * *

 

 

The next couple of months I plan to check off my bucket list. I’m halfway through radiation, so in ten weeks my first stage of treatment will be over. If everything will go as planned, I’ll start chemo in February.   
I can admit to myself that I’m scared. I can feel my health worsen and my body decline. I try to put up a brave face, so people don’t worry too much, but the truth is, I’m tired all the time, my muscles ache, my skin is starting to itch horribly and I cough a lot.   
Dr. Aurelius told me to take it as easy as possible and to avoid stress, so after I clean up my third nosebleed of the morning, I swallow my pride and go to Miranda’s office to ask if I can work part-time.   
She’s very understanding and I get a new schedule. I get the Mondays and Thursdays off, the remaining three days I still get to work.

It’s on one of Prim’s days off that we go to the waterfalls. It’s a day I’ve been looking forward to for quite a while.   
‘Nothing about the c word or about the treatments’ I make Prim promise me.   
‘Fine, but you do have to tell me if you start to feel unwell’ Prim makes me promise her.

We talk together about our past and about the future.   
Prim has something she wants to say to me and she grabs my hand. ‘I never thanked you for picking up the pieces after dad died. You made sure I never went to bed hungry and that I had enough joy in my life. I know that wasn’t easy, but you always made sure I was happy.. You made us make cupcakes when I was sad and in the summer you took me swimming here..’ Prim trails off and she stares at the water before she looks at me again. ‘I could always count on you. Thank you..’   
We hold each other a long time while our tears run freely.

The rest of our afternoon we talk about Prim’s wedding. No tears, only smiles. Prim tells me she’s picked Posy and her best friend Rue as bridesmaids and that Gale will be Rory’s best man and that his best friends Owen and David will be his groomsmen.   
‘Do you know what kind of dresses you want us to wear?’ I ask Prim.   
‘I was thinking something strapless and green’ she answers smiling.   
‘My favourite colour’ I needlessly mention.   
‘Exactly’   
‘Prim, it’s your wedding. If you want us to wear your favourite colour-‘   
‘No, I want you to wear your favourite colour’ she says, cutting me off.   
‘Are you sure?’   
‘Yes, a hundred percent’ she assures me.   
I’m easily persuaded because I’m not very fond of pink – her favourite colour.

‘Katniss can you add one thing for me on your bucket list?’ Prim asks later in the afternoon.   
‘Of course’ I answer, surprised by the question.   
‘After daddy died, music kind of left our family.. My best memories of dad are when he was singing behind the piano and you accompanying him. I always loved to hear the two of you sing and you still have such an amazing voice.. Can you sing a song for me again?’ she asks me hopeful.   
‘Of course..’ I say quietly. I never knew how much she loved to hear me sing. I always thought it would remind her to much of the life we once had and that the memories would hurt her. Like it hurt me. If I had known it would have brought her joy, I’d have never stopped. ‘I’ll sing the whole car ride back home’ I joke, ‘and we can go to the Mockingbird next. They have an open mic’   
She smiles so brightly at me, she reminds me of the sun.

 

******

_**1\. Prim waterfalls √** _

 

I write down a number 7 on my bucket list: _**Singing at the Mockingbird.**_

 

* * *

 

 

When we were teens, Finnick and I used to sneak out to a lake where we would meet up with a couple of our high school friends. We’d drink some illegal purchased beer, make a small bonfire and just watch the stars. Sometimes when I was tipsy enough, people could persuade me to sing a song or two. With “people” I mean Finnick and I can still remember the way he looked at me when I sang.   
I had his undivided attention and he looked at me like I was the most precious thing on earth.   
I’m going to lie and say I _don't_ get goose bumps anymore whenever I think of those looks he gave me. That lake (now only mentioned as our lake) is the décor of some fun nights.

A week later Finnick and I drive to our lake to make a new fun memory. Instead of being in a small group, we are now here with the two of us and instead of drinking beer, we drink hot Choco and some tea with honey for my throat.

Finnick has made a small fire to keep us warm and I made us a comfortable seating area with a blanket and some pillows. We’re sitting next to each other and we’re admiring the thousands of stars that decorate the sky tonight.   
‘Remember that time when your sleeve caught fire when you tried to make a bonfire?’ I ask laughing.   
Finnick chuckles.   
‘You yelled like a lunatic and jumped into the lake’ I laugh while remembering the sounds he made. _Poor Finnick.._   
‘Stop laughing’ he begs, but he’s laughing too. ‘It was a miracle my skin didn’t get burned..’   
Talking about skin makes mine itch. I start to scratch my collarbone and then I remember I brought some lotion so I get it out of my handbag. ‘It was because you ran to the lake like a gazelle’ I joke while I cover my skin with the cooling lotion. _What a relief.._   
‘I was just as graceful, wasn’t I?’ Finnick asks with a grin.   
‘Definitely’

‘How’s Adam?’ I ask after a comfortable silence.   
‘He’s doing great’ Finnick tells me with a proud smile. ‘He loves kindergarten. Annie told me Adam has the nursery teachers wrapped around his little finger’ he chuckles.   
‘Just like his daddy had everyone wrapped around his finger back in the day’ I say and I playfully bump my shoulder into his.   
‘Not everyone’ Finnick mumbles and he takes a zip of his hot Choco.   
_You did, you just didn’t notice it._   
‘I hope we’ll see a shooting star tonight’ I say to change the subject. I know exactly what wish I’d for.   
‘Me too’ Finnick says.

Unfortunately, we don’t get to see a shooting star tonight, but I still make my wish.

 

******

 

When I get home a few hours later I check off my second item on my bucket list.

_**2\. Stargazing Finnick √** _

 

* * *

 

 

It was a Friday and I was busy at work. I was feeling well and everything seemed normal, if it wasn’t for the fact that everyone was overly polite to me and concerned for my well-being.   
I knew everyone meant well, but it just reminded me of my illness and work had always been a place for me to keep my mind off of things.

My good mood disappears when my eyes land on a scene involving Peeta. Not because of him, seeing him or talking to him always makes me happy, but because who he was talking with. Clove. And she’s obviously flirting with him. She’s laughing a little too loud, she’s playing with her hair and she puts her hand on his arm for a second too long.   
  
Seeing the two of them together makes me feel.. weird? I can’t quite put my finger on it. Upset? _But why?_ I killed that crush on Peeta the minute I realized what was going on. _Or didn’t I?_ Fuck, I’m confused.   
Peeta notices me staring and he waves at me. I try to send him a bright smile and wave back at the both of him. Clove smiles politely at me and then tries to get Peeta’s attention again. Bitch.

 

******

 

In the car ride home, Peeta tells me Clove has asked him out.   
‘Really?’ I ask surprised. A weird sensation of panic and jealousy takes a hold of me. _Keep breathing Katniss… and smile._   
‘Don’t sound so surprised’ Peeta says and he chuckles. ‘What do you think?’   
‘I think that’s great, Clove’s great and it’s a great idea’ I say with fake enthusiasm. _God, how many times can a person say the word ‘great’ without sounding insincere?_ I attempt to smile.   
‘You think I should do it?’ Peeta asks, sounding a little to disappointed for someone who’s going on a date.   
‘Absolutely’ I lie.   
‘Great..’ Peeta says and he almost sounds like he beliefs it himself. ‘I thought so too..’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because this is the first part of a two part chapter, I'll be posting the second chapter later this week! Katniss will be checking off the rest of her bucket list, what means there's going to be some more Everlark interaction ;)
> 
> Don't keep me hanging! What did you guys and girls think? :) xx


	13. Checking off - part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised: the second part! :) 
> 
> The song is from ABC's Nashville - 'Believing'.
> 
> All the mistakes are mine.

Today is the day I check off number 3 on my bucket list: I’m going to a maze with Peeta. It was a few weeks after I went stargazing with Finnick. In the meantime I went cake tasting with Madge and Gale and Peeta had gone out twice with Clove. Not that it bothered me.. I was glad for him. Really glad, as I told myself.

I was happy I was going to spend some time with Peeta again. I didn’t see him as much as I used to, like in the beginning of our friendship. The three days of work a week I had agreed on with Miranda Paylor were now only two because of my health and the rest of my friends and family had taken a lot of my time. They made sure someone stopped by every day to stay with me for a couple of hours and to make me dinner and I always had a ride to the hospital on Monday’s. Especially Haymitch was here a lot. I was incredibly grateful and moved that they all did this for me, but I missed Peeta. I missed his cooking skills, his laughs mixed with mine, the comfort I only felt when he was with me and the sense of never ending hope he gave me.  
Today I’d finally have all of those things again.

 

******

 

We were walking for half an hour and we were horribly lost.  
‘Why on earth did you want to go to a maze again?’ Peeta asks and he chuckles. _What have I missed that sound!_  
‘I don’t know, I just haven’t been to a maze in years and as a kid I loved them’ I say smiling.  
‘You like getting lost?’ Peeta jokes and when I look into his sparkling blue eyes I forget how to breathe for a second.  
I laugh. ‘It’s not about being lost’ I take a second to think about why I like mazes. ‘I guess it’s the thrill of finding the exit. Now it also reminds me that no matter what life throws at you, you can still achieve your goal. You overcome the maze and you win. Just like with my cancer – this cancer is not going to stop me from my goal: to live a long and happy life’  
Peeta’s eyes grow sad. ‘It’s a metaphor for you’  
‘It is now’  
‘You’re going to overcome your personal maze too’  
‘I know’ I say and I give him a smile.

‘How was your date with Clove?’ I ask Peeta. I promised myself I wasn’t going to ask him. I was afraid what his answer might be and how it would make me feel, but my curiosity won.  
‘Not so great actually’  
‘No?’ I feign disappointment.  
‘No, I just don’t feel a spark and we didn’t really have a lot to talk about. It was a mistake to go on another date with her’  
I feel really guilty towards Peeta (and Clove), but this news is a relief to me and it makes me bite back a smile. ‘How did she take it?’ I ask, now feigning concern.  
‘Fine, I believe. I can’t really read her’  
I nod. ‘I’m sorry it didn’t work out’ I offer.  
‘Don’t be’ Peeta looks at me and he smiles. ‘Let’s find the exit’

‘How was cake tasting with Madge and Gale?’ Peeta asks me. We’re still in the maze, looking for the way out. I’m growing a little impatient now, but that’s only because I’m hungry and Peeta has cheesebuns in his car.  
‘Really fun. It was great to spend some time with them and I got to stuff myself with cake’ I answer.  
‘Did they choose a cake?’ Peeta asks.  
‘They did’ I smile. ‘A strawberry vanilla one. It was one of my favourites’  
‘Really?’ Peeta asks quasi shocked. ‘Even better than my apple pie?’  
I laugh. ‘Never’  
‘That’s a relief’ Peeta jokes.  
‘My sister has asked me to sing for her again’ I tell Peeta out of the blue. ‘I was thinking about going to the Mockingbird again’  
‘Really?’  
I nod. ‘Would you like to come too?’  
‘Absolutely. I love to hear you sing’ he answers smiling broadly.  
I feel my cheeks turn a rosy pink. ‘Before we go to the Mockingbird, we’re going to have some dinner at a diner. You should come. That is, if you want to’  
His lips turn into a huge grin. ‘I’d love to’  
I feel my lips mimicking his smile. ‘Great. Then you can finally meet my friends and family’

A half hour later we finally walk out of the maze. The high five Peeta makes me give him when we see the exit, makes my whole week.

 

_**3\. Corn maze Peeta √** _

 

* * *

 

 

‘Sweetheart, wake up’ I hear someone say. One moment I’m sitting on a hill on sunny day and the next I’m waking up in my bed with Haymitch standing next to me.  
‘Haymitch?’  
‘Yes. I had to wake you at five remember? Prim and Rory are picking us up in an hour. We’re going to dinner to Sae’s’  
‘Yes.. I remember’ I bring my hands to my eyes and rub my eyelids. ‘After dinner we’re going to the Mockingbird, right?’  
‘Only if you feel like it’  
‘I want to’ I say and I get out of bed. ‘I’m going to take a shower’

Showering was once relaxing and enjoyable. The warm water washing the stress of the day away and making me clean, the scent of my shampoo filling my senses and lingering in my hair, was like heaven to me. I long for those days.  
Even something as simple as showering has turned into a painful task. The warm water that used to comfort me, burns and irritates my sensitive skin. The scented shampoo I once used has been replaced a long time ago by a special shampoo described by Dr. Aurelius.  
When I get out of the shower and dry myself with a soft towel, my body starts to itch like millions of ants walk over my body. I soak my skin with the lotion and the itch thankfully stops.

I’m still exhausted, even though I’ve just woken up from a long nap, but nothing is standing between me and Sae’s pancakes. Or between me singing and making my baby sister smile as brightly as the sun shines. I put on some jeans, sneakers and a black shirt and I braid my hair. I’m not going to dress up for tonight, I just want to be as comfortable as possible and enjoy every minute of this night.

When I walk into my living room, Haymitch hands me a coffee. ‘You read my mind’ I say. ‘Looking forward to tonight?’  
‘I am to Sae’s food and your voice. If you’re at least half as good as your father was, then I’ll indeed enjoy myself’ he answers. Haymitch has never heard me sing, but he heard my father countless times. ‘But not so much to the endless chatter we’ll hear about weddings’ he adds.  
I laugh. ‘I feel your pain’ I agree.  
‘Is your boy driving with us?’ Haymitch asks with a mischievous glint in his eyes.  
‘He’s not my boy!’ I say fiercely and I am unable to hide a defensive tone.  
Haymitch looks very pleased with my reaction and he laughs. ‘Isn’t he? Sure seems like it’  
‘He’s not’  
‘Well, maybe someday’  
‘Haymitch..’  
‘What? I’m just saying that you seem very attached to him. Maybe you’ll eventually give up on your non-dating lifestyle and give it a go with him’  
‘Haymitch..’  
We look at one another for a moment. Neither one of us speaks. We both know why I am not going to date Peeta anytime soon and for the first time in my life it has nothing to do with my non-dating policy.  
‘It’s not going to happen Haymitch’ I whisper.  
‘Let me keep the hope that you someday have the choice, okay?’ he begs me quietly.  
I nod and I try to give him a smile.

Thankfully Prim walks into the apartment, so we don’t have the chance to continue our depressing conversation.  
‘Hey Katniss, how are you doing?’ Prim asks me when she’s done hugging me.  
‘I’m doing great Duck’ I answer.  
Prim looks right through my façade and turns to Haymitch. ‘How’s she doing?’  
‘She only ate an apple today and she slept the entire afternoon’ Haymitch answers.  
_Traitor!_  
‘I was saving my appetite for Sae’s’ I try. ‘What reminds me, let’s go – I’m starving’ I say and I get out of the chair I was sitting in.  
‘Is Peeta driving with us?’ Prim asks. ‘I can’t wait to meet him’ she adds.  
‘No, he’s meeting us there, so let’s go’ I grab my coat and Prim and Haymitch finally follow me to the car.

 

******

 

When we arrive at Sae’s, Finnick, Annie and Adam are already sitting at a table.  
‘KATNIISSS!!!’ Adam yells when he sees me. He jumps off his chair and runs towards me. I lift him off the floor and take him in my arms.  
‘There’s my favourite guy! How’ve you been?’ I ask.  
Adam tells me about kindergarten and the friends he has made, while Annie and Finnick greet Prim and Haymitch. I continue to chat with Adam while Annie and Finnick both give me a hug and a kiss.

We all sit down and a sudden rush of nervousness goes through me. I’m nervous about Peeta meeting my loved ones and I don’t know why. Peeta can arrive any second now and then he’ll finally meet my family and friends.  
I don’t know what I’m more nervous about: for Peeta to meet everyone or for everyone to meet Peeta. I’ve never been in this kind of situation before and all I want is for everyone to like him and for him to like my gang (as he always puts it).

Finnick is sitting across from me and he smiles at me. I give him a smile of my own. ‘It’s great being back here again’ I say to Finnick.  
‘It is. I think we spend half of our teenage years here’ he laughs.  
‘We did. It’s a miracle this place is still here. Sae’s now what? 65?’  
Finnick is about to answer, but then I hear the door open and I quickly turn my gaze to the entrance.  
To my disappointment it’s not Peeta who entering, but Madge, Gale and Rory. I try to kill the disappointed feeling close to my heart and greet my friends and soon to be brother-in-law cheerfully.  
‘So punctuality isn’t one of his strong suits’ I hear Finnick mumble, but I choose to ignore the stab.  
‘Do you know what you’re going to get?’ I ask Finnick.  
He laughs. ‘Of course! I’m getting a milkshake and a pancake’  
‘Me too’ I say and Finnick makes me give him a high five.

The waitress is about to take our order when the door opens. My eyes immediately find the entrance again and this time I’m greeted by a mop of blond curls and a wide smile. _Peeta._ The nervous flutter returns, but it’s also mixed with excitement. _Here we go._  
I get out of my chair to greet Peeta and he wraps his arms around me and gives me hug. I feel 8 pairs of eyes staring at me. When I turn around I introduce Peeta to everyone. Haymitch looks amused, Prim and Madge excited, Rory and Gale smile kindly, Annie shyly, Adam looks at the drawing he’s making and Finnick looked a little annoyed. _Okay.._

When Peeta and I sit down and our orders have been taken, everyone’s attention turns to Peeta.  
Prim and Madge apparently have a million of questions for the poor guy and even Haymitch needs to ask a few questions of his own.  
Peeta is as polite and sweet as ever and patiently answers all of them. He winks at my apologetic look and I feel my cheeks warm up. I quickly take a zip of my milkshake. _Heavenly.._ Just like I remembered. I look up to Finnick and see he’s commenting on his son’s drawing. He catches me looking at him, gives me a weak smile and turns back to his son.  
He’s not even trying to get to know Peeta a little bit and this upsets me. It is very important to me that the two of them like on another.  
‘Peeta, you should try Sae’s milkshake. It’s amazing’ I tell Peeta. ‘Finnick, Madge and I almost drank one every other day. Didn’t we Finnick?’ I say, looking directly at Finnick.  
His laugh sounds forced to me. ‘We probably did, yes’  
That’s the moment our food arrives and I gratefully dig into my pancake.

 

******

 

‘I never was someone who was exceptionally good with words, but I learned as a child you can also express yourself through music. The last couple of months have definitely not been easy, but my friends and family were right there when I needed them. More importantly – they keep me believing that one day everything will be right again. Thank you’

The band behind me starts to play and I look at the table where Haymitch, Peeta, Prim, Rory (who’s filming me), Gale, Madge and Finnick (also filming my performance) are sitting. Annie has to work early in the morning and Adam has to go to bed, so the two of them left after Sae’s.

 _I don't remember,_  
_How I got here,_  
_When my rose coloured glasses disappeared,_

 _Sometimes my fingers,_  
_They can lose touch,_  
_Start letting go of everything I love_

My eyes linger on Finnick for a moment.

 _When I get the feeling_  
_That my prayers have hit the ceiling_  
_On those darker days when my faith has lost all meaning_

_You keep me believing,_

My eyes find the bright blue ones of Peeta and he smiles encouragingly at me.

 _My fears are safe here_  
_Held in your hands_  
_When I'm broken,_  
_You put me back together again_

 _All that I once was,_  
_All I could be,_  
_When I've forgotten,_  
_You remind me,_  
_You keep me believing_

I remember why I’m on this stage when I look at my sister. Joy and adoration seem to pour out of her.

 _If ever your red heart starts beating blue_  
_And all you are to me,_  
_I'll be that for you_

 _When I get the feeling_  
_That my prayers have hit the ceiling,_  
_On those darker days_  
_When my faith has lost all meaning_

 _You keep me believing_  
_You keep me believing_

When I’m finished singing the last word everyone gives me a standing ovation. I feel my eyes well up out of gratitude. ‘Thank you’ I say in the mic and then I quickly walk back to my table.  
Prim’s the first to give me a hug and to compliment me. ‘You were amazing Katniss. Thank you so much’  
‘Just as talented as your old man’ Haymitch says.  
‘Thank you’ I say, touched by the sentiment.  
Apparently everyone feels the same way as Prim and Haymitch, because I’m showered with compliments, but it’s Peeta’s that I would remember forever.  
‘You took my breath away’ he says. Or maybe it’s just the way he looks at me when he says it. Like I’m the most wonderful person he has ever seen. The most wonderful person he can’t wait to kiss senseless.  
‘Yes all of the birds grow silent when Katniss opens her mouth’ Finnick says, interrupting us. He wraps his arms around me and kisses my crown softly. I return his hug with the same enthusiasm. ‘It was great to hear you sing again’ Finnick says when we let each other go.  
His eyes are filled with something close to regret.

I stay for another drink, but I’m tired and I can’t seem to get warm so I thank my friends for a great evening and I put my coat on. Peeta is sweet enough to offer me a ride back to the apartment, so the two of us leave together.

 

******

 

‘Would you like something to drink?’ I ask when Peeta and I are standing in front of my apartment’s door.  
‘No, you’re tired. You should get some rest’  
‘Thank you so much by the way. For coming to Sae’s. I really wanted everyone to meet you’  
Peeta smiles. ‘I had a great time. Really. I’m glad I finally got to meet the most important people in your life and now I can finally put the faces to the names’  
I smile. ‘I’m glad you had a good time’  
‘I really did’ Peeta looks at me with an intense look in his eyes. He tucks a loose hair behind my ear and his thumb touches my cheek. ‘This is how it’s supposed to feel like’ Peeta whispers. ‘With Clove.. with her there was nothing. With you.. there’s everything..’

He brings his hand back to my cheek and he slowly brings his lips to mine. I can see a question start to rise in his eyes, but my grey ones must give Peeta all the conformation he needs, because he doesn’t back down and he keeps coming closer.  
When his lips finally touch mine, I feel a spark that starts a fire in my stomach. The fire runs through my veins and my beating heart almost gets overwhelmed by an all-consuming blaze.

One of my hands finds a way to his chest and I can feel his heart beat as fast as mine. The other hand is finally touching his curls. _Just as soft as they look like._  
His tongue strokes mine and he tastes like the beer he just drank in ‘The Mockingbird’. I feel hunger and need rise in me, but also something a lot like love.  
I’m not done with this kiss yet, but Peeta pulls away and breaks it. He doesn’t look me in my eyes when he speaks. ‘I had to do that. At least once’ he says and he leaves me with that.

 

******

 

In bed I get my – now crumpled – bucket list.

  
_**4\. Sae’s Diner everyone√** _

 

_**7\. Singing at the Mockingbird √** _

 

And I get to check off a new wish I didn’t even acknowledge I had.

 

_**8\. Kiss Peeta √** _

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy with this chapter? :) xx


	14. Christmas and the New Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really wanted to share this chapter with you, hope you're all happy to see number 14 arrive! :)  
> Enjoy!

Prim hasn’t brought up her wedding once since she learned about my cancer. Every time I bring it up, she changes the subject or just flat out ignores me, except for the time at the waterfalls. But today I’m determined to talk to her about her wedding. After all, it _is_ my last unfulfilled wish on my bucket list.

‘Prim, when do you want to go shopping for a wedding dress?’ I start.   
‘Katniss-‘ she says annoyed.   
‘You can’t get married without a wedding dress Prim and you’re getting marries in what? Seven months?’   
‘Katniss!-‘ she says with a loud voice.   
‘We still have so much to do, we have to get started _now_ ’ I interrupt her again.   
‘I don’t give a fuck about my wedding!’ Prim yells. _  
Wow.._ She has never spoken to me – or anyone else as far as I know – like that. She almost never raises her voice and she certainly never curses. ‘Or if it’s even still on!’ she continues and she isn’t finished yet. ‘I don’t give a damn about the fucking dress, or the flowers or the cake and I’m certainly not going to waste my time discussing with Rory if we should get a DJ or a band!’

‘Why not?’ I demand.   
‘You know why!’ she yells.   
‘Say it!’ I yell back.   
‘Because of you! Because you’re dying! I don’t want to spend my time planning a stupid wedding when you need me and when I want to spend every minute possible with you!’ she starts to cry uncontrollably.

‘Okay, 1. we don’t know if I’m going to die yet, 2. your wedding is not stupid and 3. why can’t we spend our time together planning your wedding?’ I say.   
She’s silent for a moment and tears run over her cheeks. I patiently wait for her to answer. ‘Because I don’t want to plan a wedding when there’s a chance that you won’t be there’ she aswers in a quiet tone.   
‘Prim.. Don’t do this’ I beg. ‘Don’t put your life on hold because of me and don’t deny yourself any happiness or something fun because of my illness’   
‘I just won’t do it’ she stubbornly says.   
‘Have you talked to Rory about this?’   
‘Yes.. I told him I didn’t want to get married for a while with everything that’s going on with you’   
I put my face in my hands. ‘Prim, I’m so sorry’ I whisper.   
‘It’s not your fault’ Prim assures me and she gives me a loving smile. Her tears have finally stopped falling. ‘You’re a million times more important to me than my wedding could ever be Katniss. Please know that and never forget it’   
My eyes well up. I’m about to apologise again, but Prim stops me.   
‘No more apologising Katniss!’

 

* * *

 

 

Christmas is just a short week away and I’m almost finished with my Christmas shopping. Christmas day, Prim, Rory, Peeta and Haymitch are having dinner with me. After our dad died, Prim and I couldn’t afford a nice Christmas anymore with a nice dinner or with gifts, but we always tried to make it a special day. This year however, I want to make it a memorable one.

And apparently Finnick thinks so too, because three days before Christmas he waltzes inside my apartment with a freaking _Christmas tree_. I haven’t owned a Christmas tree after my dad passed away..

‘What the hell is that?’ I ask in shock.   
‘A Christmas tree’ Finnick answers smugly.   
‘Yes, I can see that, but what’s it doing in my apartment?’   
‘It’s your Christmas present!’ Finnick answers smiling brilliantly.   
‘ _What?_ ’ I’m still in shock. ‘How did you get that up here? How did _you_ even get up here?’ I ask confused. I didn’t buzz him in.   
‘Peeta gave me a hand’ Finnick confesses.

I laugh. ‘So that poor guy helps you carry a Christmas tree to the third floor and you take all the credit?’   
‘No, because I just admitted to you I didn’t do it by myself. And it’s my gift to you – not his!’ Finnick laughs excitedly.   
‘Where am I even supposed to put that tree?’   
‘You have an empty space next to your TV where you can still admire the tree when you eat at your dinner table’ Finnick says.   
‘Huh’ I cross my arms over chest. ‘You thought of everything, didn’t you?’   
‘Absolutely’ Finnick says with a smug grin ‘and if you don’t want the tree, you can carry it downstairs by yourself’   
_Great._ ‘Fine’ I surrender. ‘but this is way too much. You shouldn’t have done this’   
‘Katniss, it’s nothing. In my opinion you deserve much more than a tree for Christmas.. Also – there’s more’   
‘There’s more?’   
‘Of course! You can’t have a simple tree in your apartment. It needs to be decorated!’ Finnick excitedly says. He’s like a kid in a candy store. ‘So in this bag I have some Christmas lights and a big bow to wrap it up’

Granted, it looks amazing. It’s a very simple Christmas tree, it only has lights and a huge red bow on top, but I love it. It now looks and smells like Christmas in my apartment and it instantly gives me the holiday spirit.   
Finnick and I admire my tree for a while and then I turn to him. ‘Thank you’ I say. ‘I love it’   
His eyes reflect the hundreds of Christmas lights and shine just as brightly. I get lost in them for a second.   
‘You’re welcome, Kitty Kat’ he pulls me in for a long hug and he kisses my crown, like he always does.

 

* * *

 

 

Peeta and I haven’t spoken about our kiss.   
Apparently, that’s the story of my life. Every time I share a meaningful kiss with someone, life is awful and we don’t get to talk about something as trivial as a kiss.   
Even though it’s not unimportant to me, it’s just that life is so hard I don’t get time to talk about a kiss.

With Finnick it was my dad dying.   
With Peeta it’s my cancer standing in our way.

I want to talk to him about it, but I don’t even know how I feel and I can’t put Peeta through the misery of loving a girl who’s going to die in the end.   
So, when Peeta walks into my apartment with the roasted ham, I thank him again for offering to cook for us, instead of asking him about our kiss.

Dinner made by Peeta is great as usual. Next to the roasted ham, he made us mashed potatoes and three kinds of vegetables. We all drink water instead of an alcoholic beverage because Haymitch is a recovering alcoholic and I can’t drink because of the pain meds I took today, but that doesn’t keep us from having a good time.

When Peeta brings out the dessert – a homemade apple pie – Prim comments laughing ‘Your old, female neighbour really does know how to cook, Katniss’   
Peeta looks at me confused and I respond with a ‘Personal joke’ and flaming cheeks.

After cleaning the dishes I give the presents to my guests.   
I bought two musical tickets for Prim and Rory. ‘The Lion King!’ Prim excitedly says. ‘I always wanted to see that musical!’   
‘I know’ I say. ‘And I also know that it’s Rory’s favourite movie’   
Rory becomes flustered. ‘How.. How did you know that?’ he asks with red cheeks.   
I chuckle. ‘Gale told me’   
‘Isn’t it everyone’s favourite movie?’ Peeta asks, saving Rory from his embarrassment.   
‘It is’ Prim agrees.   
‘Not mine’ Haymitch says.   
‘That’s only because you never saw it!’ Prim says defensively.   
‘Didn’t have to’ Haymitch says.   
‘Next present’ I quickly say, trying to stop an upcoming discussion why The Lion King is the best movie in Prim’s eyes and a stupid children’s movie in Haymitch’s.

I give Haymitch his electric kettle and he’s very grateful. I knew he needed one and there’s no use in giving him something sentimental. We’re both not those kind of people.

Peeta gets a painting course with a professional artist as a gift from me. ‘Katniss, this too much. I can’t take this..’ Peeta says surprised, his eyes still glued on the gift certificate.   
‘You can and you’re going to’ I say stern. ‘You have done so much for me, way too much in fact, so helping you become even a better artist than you already are, is the least I can do’   
‘But I didn’t get you anything..’ Peeta objects.   
‘Yes you did, you made us dinner and my favourite dessert’ I say smiling. ‘Just take the gift Peeta, it’s no use to me and I can’t return it anyway’   
He sees my logic and he relents. ‘Thank you so much Katniss’ he says, smiling very grateful.

 

* * *

 

 

Christmas seems to have turned into New Year’s in the blink of an eye.

Last year Gale, Madge, Finnick, Annie and I didn’t celebrate New Year’s together, but now all of my friends and my sister are determined to celebrate the evening with me and a lot of New Year’s Eve spirit – cheese fondue, champagne, watching the fireworks at New Haven’s central square and later lighting our own fireworks.   
They even want to take a group picture.

I know why they want to celebrate it like that this year. I can see it in their eyes.   
They are all wondering if this is going to be the last New Year’s they’re going to celebrate with me. So, I let them drag me to do square, where we’ll celebrate the New Year with hundreds of drunken strangers.. For them.

And fine, it’s fun, even if I can’t drink myself. I do wish Peeta could’ve gone with us, but he’s back home with his family. He already celebrated Christmas in New Haven, so he was kind of obligated to go home now.

‘3..,2..,1.. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!’ We all wish each other when the earth has finished its orbit around the sun and starts a new one.   
I try to smile and not let the fear of the upcoming new year crush me. _Every year has good and bad Katniss, remember that. Even when it’s your last one. Especially when it’s your last one._

 

* * *

 

 

It’s almost February which means I’m almost done with my radiation. In one short week the worst 5 months of my life will be over. I’ve had a lot of hard months in my life, more than I care to remember, but these last few months, when I could feel my body dying, were the worst.

I’m on constant bed rest now. I had to quit my job at the firm, but Paylor and Boggs were kind enough to fire me, so I still have right to one month of money for every year I worked there.

Dr. Aurelius plan is still to have me take chemo therapy, if my MRI-scan shows us that the radiation has worked, but I’m tired. My body is weak and in pain. I don’t think I can keep taking all these therapies anymore. I feel like the medication is hurting me more than my disease..

‘Please don’t leave me Katniss..’ Prim begs. She’s sitting next to me on my bed and she strokes my hair. ‘I know the therapy hurts, but maybe those are healing pains’   
‘Yes..’ I whisper.   
‘Maybe the MRI-scan will give us great news tomorrow..’ Prim whispers, sounding very hopeful. ‘Don’t give up’ she begs.   
‘Never..’ I promise. ‘I’m so tired Prim’   
‘Why don’t you take another nap?’ Prim suggests. ‘I’ll be right here when you wake up. I love you’   
‘I love you..’ I whisper.

Prim keeps stroking my back and her soothing touch brings me into a peaceful slumber.

 

* * *

 

 

The next day Prim brings me to the hospital. I’m finally getting the result of my MRI-scan and I’m terribly nervous. I almost know for certain it’s going to be bad news. If the radiation really was working, shouldn’t I feel healthier than I do now?

‘Ms. Everdeen, come on in’ Dr. Aurelius says when we enter his office. ‘I see you brought your sister. Good morning Nurse Everdeen’   
‘Dr. Aurelius’ my sister greets him with a slightly angry tone. She’s still mad at him for not telling her about my disease when we found out.

Prim and I sit down. ‘Let’s not beat around the bush’ I say impatiently. ‘What did the scan show you?’   
Dr. Aurelius turns the screen of his computer so Prim and I can see the scan too. ‘The scan showed us that the radiation therapy has done its job really well’ the doctor says.  
‘What?’ I ask dumbfounded.   
‘O my God!’ Prim yells.

‘Yes, all of your tumours have shrunk considerably, as you can see on the scan’ Dr. Aurelius points at the screen as he says this.   
‘It worked..’ I mumble aghast.   
‘It worked..’ Prim repeats and she starts to cry. ‘Sorry..’ she says between sobs. ‘I’m just so relieved..’   
I squeeze her hand and give her a smile.   
‘Yes, but it’s not over yet’ Dr. Aurelius reminds us.

He tells me that the tumours in my lungs can be removed by surgery. A surgery I’ll have in two weeks.   
‘Two weeks?’ I ask. ‘Can my body handle a surgery right now after all the radiation it had these last 5 months?’   
‘Ms. Everdeen, if we don’t do it soon, there’s a chance that your tumours might start growing again. We can’t take that risk’   
I nod in understanding.   
‘Your brain tumours have shrunken too, but we can’t remove them with surgery, so you’ll have to take chemo’   
‘When?’ I ask.   
‘After your surgery we’ll see how you’re doing and what you can handle’   
I nod again. _To see what you can handle._ That doesn’t sound so good, but I’m trying to stay positive. For myself and for my sister, who has finally dried her tears.   
‘Let’s schedule your surgery, shall we?’ Dr. Aurelius says.

 

******

 

‘Katniss, I’m so relieved’ Prim says again, when we’re in her car.   
I smile at her. ‘It was indeed better news than I was expecting’   
‘It worked Katniss! The radiation worked!’ she says excitedly.   
Her excitement is contagious. I find myself smiling the same broad smile Prim smiles. ‘It did!’ I take one of her hands in mine. ‘But I’m not cancer free yet. I still have a surgery and chemo to look forward to’ I remind her. I don’t want her to get too excited, if something would happen to me, it would be even an bigger blow.

‘I know.. I know..’ Prim assures me. ‘The road to recovery may be long, but we can almost see the finish’ she says smiling. ‘I can feel it Katniss!’

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please share your thoughts and feelings with me! :)
> 
> If Prim is right or not, you'll read in the next chapter! ;) xx


	15. My Last Wish

Everyone was ecstatic when I told them my good news. Hope was growing in my loved ones’ eyes again when they looked at me. It was a huge improvement on the pity and fear I got used to seeing.

‘Katniss that’s the most wonderful news’ Peeta says smiling brightly when I tell him. He takes me in his arms and for a moment we just hold each other close.

My mind goes back to our kiss. We still haven’t talked about it and I’m scared to bring it up. I can’t guarantee him a future with me. I don’t even know if he would want one. Or if _I_ want one..

‘How’s work?’ I ask Peeta when we’re drinking some tea together.   
‘Kind of boring without you, to be honest..’ Peeta answers with a slight smile. His sky blue eyes bore into my soul.   
‘Well, probably not as boring as being home all day..’ I say a little flustered.   
He chuckles. ‘Yes, you’re not really the kind to sit around at home all day, are you?’   
‘Not really, no’ I answer and I take a gulp of my tea with honey.   
He stares at me and I can see a thought swimming in his blue eyes. ‘Give me a minute, I’ll be right back’ he says and he gets up and leaves.

A few minutes later, Peeta returns with DVD’s and books. ‘Here is the entire DVD box of ‘The Office’ and the first three seasons of ‘Downton Abbey’’ he says while he gives me the DVD’s.   
‘Downton Abbey?’ I ask, a little hesitant. ‘I’m not sure if it’s something for me..’   
‘Have you tried it yet?’ Peeta asks, already knowing my answer.   
‘No..’ I reluctantly admit.   
‘Give it a try, it’s very popular and not without reason’   
‘Okay..’ I mutter. It’s not like I have anything else to do..   
‘It’s just like Harry Potter. British, fake, dramatic. Only without the magic, Hogwarts and that evil dude without a nose’   
That makes me laugh. ‘We’re watching Harry Potter together as soon as possible’ I say.   
‘Fine..’ he says and he chuckles.

 

* * *

 

 

‘Katniss I need to talk with you’ Prim says the following weekend.   
A panic already has a hold of me and my heartbeat quickens. ‘What’s wrong?’ I immediately ask.   
She laughs. ‘Nothing’ she assures me. ‘Everything is quite perfect actually’ she says and she smiles brightly.   
‘Then why do you need to talk with me?’ I can still feel my heart beat nervously.   
‘Rory and I have been talking..’ she starts.   
‘And?’ I press.   
‘Well, I came to the conclusion that I don’t care about some big, expensive wedding. I want to spend the rest of my life with Rory and I don’t care if we get married in a small, intimate ceremony or one that costs us a fortune. As long as I become Rory’s wife with you attending that ceremony, I’ll be the happiest girl on the planet’ she says.

‘That’s great Prim’ I say confused. ‘But what are you getting at?’   
‘So I talked to Rory and he feels the same way, so we decided to get married next Saturday’ she cheerfully answers.   
‘Wait.. What? Prim, are you sure?’ I ask surprised.   
‘Listen Katniss, your surgery is a though one. There’s no need in denying that’ she says and her eyes grow sad. ‘All I want is for me to marry Rory and for you to be there with me’   
‘Yes, but you also always wanted the big princess wedding’ I say.   
‘Not if you’re not there’ she simply says and she grabs my hand. ‘And a wedding is supposed to be about love, not glamour’

‘I really want to see you get married..’ I quietly admit and a tear runs over my cheek.   
‘And you will. Next Saturday’ Prim says, smiling happily again.   
‘Is there anything you need me to do? I’m still your maid of honour’ I say smiling and I wipe my tear away.   
‘Well, we still need a place to get married, food, a minister, the dresses and I’m probably forgetting something..’   
‘No worries, I’ll plan everything’ I promise.   
‘No Katniss’ Prim stubbornly shakes her head. ‘We’re going to plan it _together_ ’

 

******

 

‘Are you going to bring a date to my wedding?’ Prim asks later in the afternoon.   
I roll my eyes at her. ‘No’   
‘Not even a certain blond?’ she asks and she eyes me carefully.   
‘No’ I answer. _Especially not a certain blond._ I can’t ask him as my date to my sister’s wedding. Not after our unclear kiss and with all of the uncertainty in my life.   
‘Hmm.. okay’ Prim mumbles.

 

* * *

 

 

There was so much to do, but we pulled it off. When it’s Prim’s wedding day everything goes off without a hitch.

The ceremony and reception will take place at Finnick and Annie’s vacation home at the lake, the dresses are all in the car, the catering will take care of the food and drinks and even the wedding cake is perfect.

We even luck out with the weather. Even though it’s only February, there’s a clear blue sky and a warm sun shining.

Madge fixes Prim’s hair in a simple bun and Annie applies some make-up on her face.  
I give her the something new (a hairclip with some rime stones), old (our mother’s necklace), blue (her bouquet) and borrowed (my pearl earrings).

Her eyes well up when I give her our mother’s necklace. ‘Are you sure Katniss? It’s yours..’ she says.   
‘No, it’s _ours_ ’ I correct her. ‘And she wore it on her and dad’s wedding day too, just like grandma did before her. It’s tradition’   
‘Can you put it on?’ she asks.   
‘Of course’ I say. Prim sits down at the dressing table and when the necklace is around her neck, I hold her shoulders and look at her reflection in the mirror. ‘You are breathtakingly beautiful, Prim. You look just like mom does in their wedding pictures’   
She grabs my hand and smiles gratefully at me.

 

******

 

Prim looks just like an angel when she walks down the aisle in her white, mermaid style dress. When Haymitch gives her away to Rory, both Haymitch and I wipe a tear off our cheek.

The ceremony is simple, but sweet. When the minister announces them husband and wife, their 20 guests clap loudly.

We all gather around in the party tent to enjoy a lunch and right before dessert, I give my speech.

‘I’m not really one talented with words, so I promise to keep it short, so we can all go back to our food’ I start. ‘but I’d like to raise a toast to my sister and my new brother. Dear Rory, thank you so much for making my sister smile as brightly as the sun. Not just today, but every time the two of you are together. I know that you will always take care of her and that you’ll always have her back and I cannot put into words how grateful I am that you love her as much as I do..   
My dearest Prim, I love you so much and no matter what will happen, remember that I always will.. I’m so happy that you found the type of love that will warm your coldest nights and brighten your darkest days. If there’s anyone who deserves that kind of love, it’s you Little Duck.   
And so do you, Rory’ I raise my glass filled with water. ‘To Prim and Rory’

 

******

 

After Rory and Prim had their first dance as husband and wife, I dance a few songs with Haymitch.

‘I’m so proud of her’ I tell Haymitch on the dance floor.   
‘I’m too’ he tells me. ‘And I’m especially really proud of you. It was an honour to be a part of your lives these last couple of years Katniss’   
I don’t know what to do with that kind of compliment - coming from Haymitch out of all people - so I just stare at my feet.   
‘Your folks would’ve been proud’ he says.   
I look him in his dark grey eyes. I can feel the fear creeping up on me again. The fear of leaving her behind. ‘Promise me you’ll always be there for her. That you’ll never leave her’   
‘I promise’

‘Can I cut in?’ a familiar voice behind me asks.   
‘Of course son’ Haymitch says and he leaves me in the arms of my best friend.   
‘Your speech was amazing’ Finnick says and in his green eyes I can see the truth of his words.   
‘Really?’   
‘Yes, there weren’t a lot of dry eyes in the house after your speech’ he assures me.   
‘Liar!’ I say laughing.   
‘Fine.. Maybe I was one of the few who couldn’t keep it together’ he says and he winks.   
I shake my head and laugh. ‘I just really wanted to thank Rory and remind Prim how much I love her’ I say.   
He pulls me in close and when I lean into his chest, I can hear his steady heartbeat.   
‘You look gorgeous, by the way’ he whispers.   
I feel the heat rise to my cheeks. ‘Thank you’ I mumble.   
‘But the question is – how do you feel?’   
‘A little tired and my feet are sore thanks to the high heels, but happy. I feel really happy’ I look up into his eyes again and he gives me a loving smile.   
‘Good’   
‘Are you happy, Finnick?’ I ask. I haven’t seen Finnick smile a lot the last couple of months.   
His smile falters a bit and he’s silent for a second too long. ‘I am now’ he assures me in a whisper.

We dance for another song, when someone interrupts us.   
‘Can I have the next dance?’   
When I turn around, my eyes look into a sky blue pair. ‘Peeta!’ I say surprised and I let Finnick go.   
‘Sure man’ Finnick says with an odd tone and he hurries away.   
‘What are you doing here?’ I ask smiling enthusiastically.   
‘Your sister invited me’ he answers with the same smile.   
‘Really?’ I ask, although I’m not surprised. _When that girl has something on her mind.._   
Peeta’s smile falters and his eyes turn serious. ‘You don’t mind do you? I could lea-‘   
‘Don’t be ridiculous. I’m glad you’re here’ I assure him.   
He smiles brightly back at me. ‘Me too’

 

******

 

The rest of the day is filled with dancing with my friends, the cake cutting and other wedding traditions and taking a lot of pictures. Later in the afternoon I’m so tired that Peeta carries me to his car and drives me home.

‘Thank you Prim’ I say when I hug my sister goodbye.   
‘No, Katniss.. Thank _you_..’ she replies and her eyes well up with tears.   
‘No sad tears Prim. Only the happy kind today’ I kiss her cheek. ‘You are the most beautiful bride that has ever walked this earth Little Duck’   
‘I’ll see you tomorrow’ Prim says, right before Peeta lifts me off the ground.

 

******

 

When I’m in bed I get my crumpled list out of my nightstand and with the biggest smile ever, I check off my sixth wish.

_**6\. Prim’s wedding √** _

 

* * *

 

 

The following Tuesday is the day of my surgery.   
I’m nervous as hell. The surgeons aren’t just removing the tumours out of my lung, they’re removing the part of the lung where the tumours are in. So if everything goes to plan, I’ll wake up with 1,5 lung.

What I’m really scared of is that there’s still the fact that I have a brain tumour. The tumour can bring complications to the surgery if it troubles my brain too much.   
And my body is still weak. If my body or brain can’t handle the anaesthesia, there’s a chance I don’t wake up..

So the choice was: have the surgery with a small risk of not waking up or continue with the radiation and chemo with a bigger chance of not surviving those therapies. The added bonus of the surgery is that I’d get rid of the tumours in my lungs immediately. With the therapies there was a chance they would start growing again. The choice wasn’t one I was looking forward to making, but I knew I had to and in the end it was quite simple for me.

I’m lying in a hospital bed. In a few minutes I’ll be taken away to the OR.   
Primrose, Rory and Finnick are here to see me off.

Prim takes my hand in hers. ‘We’ll be right here when you get back’ she promises me.   
She knows how terrified I am, but I still don’t want to trouble her. ‘You guys really don’t have to stay..’ I say.   
‘Kitty Kat, we’re not going anywhere, so you better accept it’ Finnick says and he winks at me. Then he grabs my other hand and squeezes it in encouragement.   
I stare into his green eyes and they make me feel so loved and so invincible. ‘Thank you..’ I say. ‘Give Annie and Adam a kiss from me’   
‘Will do’ Finnick says smiling.   
Then I turn to Prim and Rory. ‘Promise me you two are going on a honeymoon’   
‘Katniss-‘ Prim starts, but I interrupt her.   
‘Rory?’ I ask.   
‘I’ll take your sister on a honeymoon’ he promises me.   
‘Thank you’ I say.

I give the three of them one last hug and then my nurses are rolling me down the hallway to the OR.

 

******

 

When I wake up I feel different. My body aches, I’m cold and I can’t feel my toes. I have no idea what time or day it is or where I am.

I try to open my eyes, but my eyelids keep falling down. Everything I see is blurry, it’s like I’m in a bubble.   
Breathing hurts. Swallowing does too. _What happened to me? Where am I?_

‘Katniss?’ I hear someone ask. I think it’s Prim.   
When I try to open my eyes again, I look into her familiar blues. ‘Where am I?’ I ask.   
I can’t hear what she’s saying – probably because the bubble I’m in. I can only make out the word ‘surgery’.   
My eyes close again. ‘Surgery?’ I ask confused.   
Again, I can’t hear her answer. _Can someone please burst that bubble?_

I try to turn around in my bed, but when I put some weight on my right side, a huge pain goes through me, like a sharp knife that cuts open my body.   
A yelp of pain leaves my lips.   
‘… to relax’ I hear Prim say.   
My head starts to hurt. It’s like my brain is trying to kill me. I bring my hands to my forehead and another yelp escapes me. I can feel the tears run over my cheek. _What’s happening to me?_

I can feel someone grab my arms. ‘Everything’s okay, Katniss’ he whispers and when I look into his sky blue eyes, I instantly relax.   
‘I’m so tired.. Peeta’ I whisper.   
‘You’ll feel better after you sleep, honey’ a voice says. One I haven’t heard since I was seventeen and expected to never hear again.

‘Dad?’ I ask. A second later my whole body starts to convulse into spasms and the air leaves my lungs.

Everything around me stops and disappears.

There’s nothing here anymore. Only the absence of light.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! :) Next one is going to be quite emotional....
> 
> In a couple of days I'm going to Ireland :) so this is probably the last chapter of all my stories I'm going to post for two weeks or so..  
> But that's not certain though! If I do find the time to update one of my stories, I will! :D 
> 
> Please let me know what you thought of this one! :D xx


	16. Speak To Me

I don’t know what’s happening to me, but I know it’s not good..

One moment I was speaking to Peeta, the next one I could clearly hear my _dad_ talking to me and then everything was gone.

But now everything is clear again and that’s even more terrifying. I can see myself – lifeless in bed, tubes going into my arms and mouth and hooked onto machines that are beeping rhythmically.

I don’t know what to do. How to get back into my body. How to wake up. I’ve never felt this hopeless..

I can hear and see everything and everyone around me, but I’m invisible. I can walk through walls and doors, so I can go everywhere I want to, but I don’t want to leave my body. God only knows what can happen if I wander away too far.  
Besides, there’s always someone visiting me and I want to be near them. I want to hear what they have to say and try to answer them in one way or another.

Prim visits me every day. If she’s working, she checks on me as often as she can, if she’s free, she sits next to me for hours. Sometimes I follow her around the hospital for a bit. To see how she’s working, to hear her talk.  
After two days, her boss calls her into his office.

‘You’re getting a few days off’ he says.  
‘Dr. Beetee-‘ Prim begins, but he holds his hand up to stop her.  
‘Nurse Everdeen, your sister is in a coma. You have bigger things to worry and think about. All of your attention is on your sister – as it should be – but I’m afraid that it will affect your work and that could have disastrous consequences. Consequences you don’t want to have on your conscience or ones the hospital can afford.. You’re getting two weeks off to get over your shock and to get your head back in the game’

I’m seething with anger. _To get over your shock and get your head back in the game._ He’s a doctor! Doesn’t he talk to family members of patients every day? Can’t he understand how Prim must be feeling? What she’s going through? I can’t believe he’s so cold.. So unemotional. ‘Asshole!’ I yell at him. It’s not like they can hear me anyway.

‘Sorry..’ Prim says.

‘Dammit Prim, don’t apologise to him!’ I say annoyed. That’s so Prim. Always sweet and kind. Where I would’ve yelled at him for being an ass, she apologises for the trouble Dr. Beetee is afraid she’ll be.

‘You have nothing to apologise for’ Dr. Beetee begins. ‘This isn’t your fault. Take as long off as you need’

Prim gets up without another word and walks out of her boss’ office. I follow her to my room and watch her sitting down in the chair next to the bed. I take my place at the window.  
Here I can watch Prim from a small distant. It’s still too hard to watch her up close while she cries her heart out, begs me to come back or just talks to me about the weather.

My sister just looks at me for a long moment. In silence, while holding my hand. I can’t feel her touch..

‘I’m not as strong as you, Katniss’ she says. ‘I never was. I need you, I always will’ she starts to cry uncontrollably. ‘Please wake up. Please come back to me’ she begs between her cries.  
‘I want to’ I whisper, unable to speak louder with my broken heart.

 

* * *

 

 

Haymitch stops by the next day.

‘Good morning, Sleeping Beauty’ he says. ‘Just as chipper as always, I see… And still so charming’ he jokes.  
I can’t help but laugh a little. Haymitch once told me I had the charm of a slug. Or a dead slug. I can’t remember anymore. I guess I’m not more charming when I’m my usual self, than when I’m lying in a coma.  
‘Good morning Hay Hay’ I say. He absolutely hates it when someone calls him that. Prim and I always call him that to piss him off so we can laugh. Quite mean, but we don’t mean anything with it and Haymitch knows this. We’re family.

‘The painting business is still going well’ Haymitch says after a while. ‘Maybe in a year or so I’ll move to a small farm. Enjoy the simple life after all the crap that’s happened in my life. Own a flock of geese or something. You can move into the farm if you want to. I know you hate living in town’  
It’s true, I do.  
Something in his expression changes when he continues. It becomes more persistent. ‘You made so much sacrifices for Prim, Katniss. Gave up all your dreams for that girl and I’ve always admired you for that, but Prim is all grown up now. She’s even someone’s _wife_ now. So, when you wake up – and I know you will – we’re going to put your dreams first. Live close to nature, become a vet, own a car.. You name it, I’ll make it happen’

His promise takes me by surprise, but it shouldn’t. I know he cares about me and we’re cut from the same cloth. He’s doing for me what I did for Prim.

‘You don’t have to’ I whisper.

‘If you can hear me, you’re probably saying that I don’t need to or you don’t want me to, but I’m just as stubborn as you are sweetheart’ he mumbles. ‘I don’t take no for an answer sweetheart, just like you don't’

He’s silent for a while.

‘Don’t worry too much about her’ Haymitch says when he breaks the silence again. ‘She’s not alone. I promised you I’d always be there for her, that I’d always help her and I will. And Rory will take care of her too… The way that boy looks at her – it makes me change my mind about true love and happily ever afters..’

Haymitch has never been a man with an affection for many words. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him talk this much, especially not to someone who wasn’t even replying. But he’s doing it anyway and that makes me smile affectionately. He’s a good person - visiting me, trying to comfort me and trying everything is his power to help Prim get by.

‘She’ll never be alone, Katniss’ Haymitch ends his speech with.  
‘Thank you Haymitch’ I whisper.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Prim still comes every day. Sitting in her chair, waiting for me to wake up. Speaking words of encouragement and love. Begging me to open my eyes, to squeeze her hand, to wake up.

I keep telling her I’m doing my best. I try to comfort her when she’s crying, I keep stroking her hair in a soothing way that always calm her down, but even though I can feel the softness of her hair with my fingers, she can’t feel my touch. I feel so hopeless, so powerless..

Rory comes every day too. He talks to Prim and me for a while and then he drags Prim home, so he can take care of her. Haymitch was right, I’ll never have to worry about my sister as long as she has her husband.

Madge is the next one visiting me. She’s babbling about her life like she always does, me being in a coma doesn’t stop her. That makes me smile.  
She has all the faith in the world I’ll be fine again soon. That I’ll attend her wedding, that we’ll celebrate out birthdays together again, that we’ll sing together again like we did in high school.

‘I was so jealous of your voice in high school’ Madge admits and then she laughs.  
I chuckle and make a confession of my own. ‘I was jealous of your blonde hair’ I admit. ‘And the way you can play the piano’  
‘You gave everyone a run for their money’ Madge continues. ‘I loved to hear you sing. Everyone did, especially Finnick’  
I laugh. ‘Yeah right’  
‘And you were such a great swimmer. You were like a freaking mermaid’ she laughs. ‘Like the ones in your beloved Harry Potter. Great swimmers, great voice and deadly.. Well not really of course, but if looks could kill..’ she laughs again. ‘But don’t worry your much prettier’

I laugh. Madge was always so bubbly and talkative, she's my polar opposite. It’s a miracle we became friends.

‘Thank you for being my friend Katniss. You were always in my corner and we made some great memories together, didn’t we?’  
‘We did’ I say.  
‘I hope I was as good a friend to you as you are to me’  
‘You are’  
‘If I wasn’t – I’m sorry..’ Madge says and a glint of sadness appears in her eyes. ‘I’ll start bettering myself immediately and take care of the person you love the most. I love Prim too Katniss, she’s like the sister I never had. I’ll always be there for her, just like you were for me..’

Madge is silent for a minute when she speaks again, this time a much more cheerful subject.

‘I was thinking, would you like to sing on my wedding? Or even better – lets sing together! Just like when we were teenagers! That be so much fun and I probably can’t hire anyone more talented than you are, so..’  
‘Sure, why not?’ I say. Singing all those songs with Madge in glee club are my best high school memories.  
‘You don’t have to answer right away’ Mage jokes. ‘Sorry, bad pun, but why don’t you sleep on it?’ she chuckles awkwardly. Her easy manner relaxes me and makes me laugh too. ‘Sorry, again a bad pun.. But I’d really love for us to sing again soon, even if it’s not on my wedding, okay?’  
‘How I can I deny you something for your wedding?’ I say smiling and then I turn somewhat serious. ‘We’re going to sing on your wedding Madge’ I promise the both of us.

 

* * *

 

 

Peeta brings me some white primroses when he drops by a day after Madge.

‘I miss you’ Peeta admits after he puts them in a water filled vase. ‘I already missed you at work when you started part time, but now it’s even more lonely without you. Going home was the cure to my loneliness, because I could stop by at your place or sometimes I could hear you walking about in your apartment, but now being home is even more lonely than being at the firm..’

‘I miss you too when you’re at work’ I say after a few beats of silence.

‘I still haven’t watched Harry Potter’ Peeta says. ‘We promised each other we’d watch it together, so I’m just going to wait for you. Take your time, I’ll wait. I do hope it’s sooner than later, but it’s not like I’m looking forward to watching Harry Potter _that_ much, so you can take your time..’ he chuckles and so do I.

‘Ms. Paylor misses you too. Her new secretary is a nightmare.. I guess she’s not that bad, but she isn’t you..’ Peeta sighs. ‘I know exactly how Ms. Paylor feels.. It’s just a disappointed to see the new girl at your desk every day’

Peeta grabs my hand and holds it for a while.

‘When we just met you said you didn’t believe in fate, but _I_ do Katniss’ he whispers and then he continues in the same tone ‘meeting you was meant to happen, for a reason we both probably don’t know yet.. But we were meant to be in each other’s lives. That’s how I know everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be fine..’

He leaves a short while later, with the promise that he’ll pray for me. I didn’t know he was a Christian and after everything that happened to me in my life, I don’t know if I am, but I thank him anyways.

 

* * *

 

 

Annie is sweet enough to visit me on her day off.

‘Hey Katniss’ she greets me with a sweet smile. ‘I brought you something’ she says and she grabs a piece of paper from her purse. ‘It’s a drawing Adam made you. I’ll put it next to your bed so you can see it when you wake up’ Annie makes the drawing lean on Peeta’s primroses so I get to see the piece of art my favourite toddler made me.

Adam drew a boy and a girl next to a fire truck. The girl is taller than the boy and has a raven coloured braid and grey eyes and the boy has reddish hair and green eyes. It’s a beautiful display of the both of us standing next to a fire truck that looks a lot like the one I gave him on his last birthday.

‘He asks about you a lot. Adam – I mean’ Annie says. ‘Always asking when you’re coming over again and when he’ll get to see you again. He adores you’ she laughs quietly.  
‘Please don’t let him see me like this..’ I silently beg. I don’t want Adam to remember me like this, if something happens. I don’t want anyone to remember me like this..

‘He loves it at school. He learns something new every day.. I’m so proud..’ Annie says with a proud smile. ‘I believe those terrible twos are finally over. But in a few years he’ll hit puberty – I’m already looking forward to his behaviour then’ she adds sarcastically ‘I hope those terrible twos weren’t an indicator’ she laughs.  
‘He’ll be great’ I assure her. ‘You and Finnick are great parents and you’ll all be fine’

‘He already looks so much like his dad..’ her smile falters. ‘Finnick isn’t doing so good, to be honest’  
This catches my attention. _What’s wrong with Finnick?_ ‘What’s wrong with him?’ I ask.  
Annie obviously doesn’t hear my pleads to tell me what’s wrong with my best friend and she doesn’t answer.  
She’s silent for a moment, but then she does answer.

‘He hasn’t been himself for a long time. It begun when we heard about your cancer. Maybe it even started before that moment, but I didn’t realise it then..’ she trails off and then continues. ‘We fight more. Always about unimportant things. Like what to give someone as a birthday present, where we’ll have dinner. One time we even fought about what radio station we’d listen to in the car..’ she wipes the tears of her face.

Her confession takes me by surprise. I thought everything was going great between them. That they were happy with one another and the lives they were leading. I feel so guilty for not noticing.. ‘Oh, Annie. Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve been of more help then, than I am now..’ I say.

‘It’s probably just stress’ Annie continues. ‘The stress of having a toddler, we both have jobs and you being sick worries us both so much..’ she wipes a tear from her cheek ‘Not that that’s your fault. Please don’t think for a second we blame you!’ she quickly adds.  
She blows her nose with a tissue.  
‘But Finnick is taking your cancer very hard. He’d never admit it, but he’s in denial how severe your cancer is. I don’t think he knows how to function without your Saturday afternoon coffee meet ups’ she laughs a little. ‘That’s probably why he hasn’t visited you yet..’

Like I needed to be reminded of the fact that my best friend hasn’t visited me yet. I’ve been in this coma for 5 days, waiting for my best friend to come and crack a joke or something, but he still hasn’t made an appearance.  
I keep telling myself that it’s fine and that he’s really busy, but honestly, I’m really mad at him. And disappointed.

‘He doesn’t want your disease to be real’ Annie continues. ‘The fact that you could actually leave us scares the hell out of him. You’re very important to him Katniss. To a lot of people. Don’t forget that Katniss’ she squeezes my hand lovingly. A notion I still can't detect.

Annie kisses my cheek when she leaves and promises me she’ll visit me again next week.

 

* * *

 

 

Haymitch and Peeta (again with a bouquet of primroses, orange ones this time) both visit me a second time before Finnick finally shows up.

My initial anger turns into guilt when I see him. He looks horrible. Nothing like the neatly kept guy he always is. He has huge bags under his eyes, his hair is a mess I’ve never witnessed, he hasn’t shaved in days before and his eyes show the world a hollowness.

He plops himself down on the chair and just stares at me with a broken look in his eyes. He gets a flask out of his pocket and takes a gulp. I can smell the alcohol. _Hey, that’s new – I wasn’t able to smell anything yet._

I want to test my recovered sense of smell and walk to the primroses and smell them. Their sweet scent fill my senses.  
I feel a sense of happiness and relieve. _This could mean I’m waking up!_ _O my God!_ I want to jump up and down out of joy, but then terror quickly takes a hold of me. _It could also mean I’m parting my body completely.._

I spend the next hour freaking out and trying to figure out what is happening. I keep watching Finnick do absolutely nothing but staring at my body and drinking his liquor, when he finally speaks.  
‘I’m so angry with you, you have no idea’ Finnick starts.  
My anger flares up to. I stop my pacing to yell at him. ‘Are you serious?’ I spat. _Son of a bitch!_ ‘Fuck you Finnick! Like this was my choice! Or my fault!’ I yell.’ ‘I’m the only one with the right to be angry! Why haven’t you visited me yet?’ I know he can’t hear me, but I throw it at him anyway.

‘Why are you doing this to me? Finnick asks and he starts to cry. ‘Why are you leaving me?’  
‘I’m trying not to, asshole!’ I yell.  
‘Fuck!’ he yells and he puts his face in his hands. ‘I know it’s not your fault and I know it’s not fair of me to feel this way, but I just can’t lose you Katniss’ the tears stream down his face.

‘Please don’t leave me’ he begs, his palms still catching his tears.  
Seeing him like this makes something break inside of me. ‘I don’t want to..’ I whisper.  
‘I need my best friend. I need you to take on this wide world with me. Like we always did’ Finnick continues.  
‘I know. Me too..’ I say.

‘I feel like I’m paralysed..’ he whispers after a moment. ‘We always took care of one another, had each other’s backs, but there’s nothing I can do to help you now.. That fear paralyses me..’  
The hurt and the guilt in his voice makes me well up.  
‘I’m sorry I’m so useless Katniss’  
And that makes me break. ‘You’re not Finnick.. You’ve never been useless to me’

Finnick stops talking and lets his tears run freely.

When he’s finished crying, he says ‘I’m sorry I haven’t visited yet. I was just scared of seeing you like this.. Because then it’s _real_ , you know? But I needed to see you so bad.. I miss you so much..’  
‘You’re here now..’ I say. ‘And I missed you too’

He takes another gulp of his liquor and when he’s swallowed it, he takes my hand in his. ‘I know life has threated you unfair and unkind, but you have a lot to live for. A lot of people love you to the moon and back. Please choose us. Please come back to us Katniss. To me’ Finnick begs. ‘My life is just not my life without you. You occupy a piece of my heart just as big as Annie and Adam do’ he continues. ‘And who can live without a third of his heart?’

He slowly brings my hand to his lips and then he kisses my knuckle.  
_Wait..!_ Holy crap, I felt that! _I felt that!_  
I inspect my hand hoping to see a change or a reason as to why I could feel his touch.

‘Do it again’ I beg Finnick.  
He doesn’t oblige. ‘Please wake up’ he whispers.  
_I think I am._  
‘Come back to me. Stay with me’ Finnick looks at my  comatose face with an intense look in his eyes.

It doesn’t matter what life put me through, I’m not done living it, I know that now. So I make Finnick a promise, give him a confirmation. ‘ _Yes_ ’

A moment later everything around me disappears again. I’m back into the dark void I thought I escaped.

Slowly, very slowly, stars light up the darkness.

Then colours appear. Pinks, oranges, yellows, blues, greens and everything in between. The whole freaking rainbow appears and I seem to swallow it.

I’m growing out of the void.

I start to feel different. Something like a dizzy and drowsy feeling. I can start to feel my toes again. I can feel the softness of the blanket that’s covered over my legs. The tube that’s been pushed down my throat. The pain I feel in my right side, where the surgeons took away a part of my lung.

And finally, _finally_ , I feel Finnick’s hand holding mine.

With all the strength my body can muster, I squeeze his hand lightly. _Please be strong enough for him to notice it._

 

His soft, surprised tone penetrates my ears. ‘Katniss?’

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you feel some feels? 
> 
> What did you think of the visits? 
> 
> Please let me know! :) xx


	17. The Mockingbird is Set Free

** (7 months later) **

 

I nervously shift in my chair. I feel like I’m sitting in this damn chair, with my sister next to me, for the umpteenth time. Every time is worse than the last time, but this time it’s especially excruciating. This time has the chance of being the last time I’ll be sitting in this chair.

After my surgery I was in a coma for 8 days. It was a sign that the brain tumour was encroaching on my brain tissue. Apparently it was a miracle I woke up, so when I did, the doctors immediately gave me chemo. Another miracle appeared. The chemo worked. The brain tumour shrunk and it kept shrinking, so I kept going to chemo therapy. I kept fighting.

I lost my appetite, weight and my hair.   
When my hair started to fall off in chunks, I shaved it off completely and send it to a company who could make a wig out of it for me.   
Even if my hair isn’t attached to my skull anymore, I can still wear my signature braid with my own hair and that just gives me a rare sense of normalcy in my crazy life.

‘Stop biting your fingernails!’ Prim whispers and she puts my hand in my lap. The nervousness is still trapped inside of my body and finds a way to leave when I begin to tap the floor with my foot. This time, Prim lets me be.   
I’m not the only one that’s nervous. Prim might be sitting still in her chair, but her calm demeanour cracks when you notice that’s she biting her lip and practically strangling the scarf in her lap.

‘Ms. Everdeen?’ Dr. Aurelius calls me.   
Both Prim and I get up and walk into his office. It’s a walk I made so many times, I’m sure I’ll remember the rest of my life that it’s 11 steps from the waiting room to Dr. Aurelius’ office and 7 steps from Dr. Aurelius’ door to the chairs Prim and I always sit in.

‘Ms. Everdeen, let’s start immediately shall we?’ Dr. Aurelius begins and I couldn’t agree more. No need to talk about the weather or the pets I don’t have. ‘I have both the results of the MRI-scan and your blood test here’   
Dr. Aurelius turns his computer screen so Prim and I can see the scan. It’s a scan of my brain. My _clean_ brain.

‘As you both can see in the scan, there is no cancer in your brain anymore and your blood test tells us that there are no abnormal large amount of bad cells in your blood and that your cell division is healthy’ Dr. Aurelius explains with a smile.

‘So?’ I urge him on. I need him to _say_ it. I don’t want to make an assumption.

‘You are cancer free Ms. Everdeen’

 

******

 

All I can do is cry on the ride back home. I’m so relieved. So happy.

After Prim and I jumped up and down out of joy, Prim interrogated Dr. Aurelius if he was absolutely sure. If those were really my results. He answered in positive terms both times.   
Then the news hit me like a ton of bricks. The cancer is gone. I’m healthy. I’m going to live! And that realisation made me cry uncontrollably from Dr. Aurelius’ office to Prim’s car.

Prim joined my sobbing in the car and that’s how we walked into my apartment for Haymitch, Rory, Madge, Gale, Finnick, Peeta, Annie and Adam to see.   
Both of us crying, Prim’s neatly put on mascara running down her face and me blowing my nose in a tissue.

I could see all of their hopeful expressions turn into sad ones. The hope in their eyes died. Madge even started to cry. They thought we got bad news and that we were crying out of sadness, instead of the intense relieve and happiness that had made us cry.

Intense relieve and happiness I was going to give them now too.

‘I’m clean’ I say and everyone looks up to me in surprise.   
‘What?’ Peeta manages to say. The rest just looks at me I told them I can turn into a unicorn.   
‘I’m cancer free!’ I yell. Words I for a moment thought I would never get to say, so I say them again and again.

I tell them what Dr. Aurelius explained to me. How I’m not really cancer free yet, that in the next 5 years I have to have a check-up in the hospital once a year and if those results are positive too, I’ll be really be cancer free.   
But for now I’m clean and I don’t have to take therapies anymore and thing are looking bright for me, as Dr. Aurelius himself told me.

Madge jumps up out excitement and wraps me in a hug. She’s still crying, but now her tears are the happy kind. She’s quickly followed by everyone else.   
The Hawthorne guys both smile brightly and give me a quick hug.   
Haymitch gives me a quick hug and squeezes my shoulders when he’s standing in front of me.   
Finnick gives me a tight and long hug and kisses the top of my head.   
Annie can’t seem to let me go from our warm embrace.   
Peeta wraps his arms around me and my body instantly reacts to his scent. My insides turn into mush and when he kisses my cheek before he lets go, I feel a spark race to my belly.   
Adam doesn’t understand what’s happening, but he joins in on the fun and jumps in my arms.

News like this asks for champagne, so everyone, except for Haymitch and Adam, drink a glass. I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in over a year, so I don’t drink more than one glass, since I can already feel it’s effect. I’m giddy and lightheaded, but still really happy.

‘So, what are you going to do now?’ Peeta asks me and in his sky blue eyes I can detect a nervous undertone.   
‘I don’t know’ I answer honestly. ‘Get back to work, travel a bit. I want to take a hike as soon as possible in my dad’s woods’   
‘Well if you ever need some company when you’re hiking, you know where to find me’ Peeta says smiling and then he adds ‘Or for something else’ and he winks.

That wink makes something flutter inside my stomach. Or something else. Those words and the way he says them make me think of very intimate things and those thoughts make the flutter in my stomach go straight to the most sensitive part of my body. And a very needy part of my body. It has been a while.. My train of thought makes my cheeks warm up and I tell Peeta I’d love to take another hike with him.

My friends and family stay for another hour, celebrating my good news and talking about our joined future, before they leave.

I’m exhausted when I'm all alone again.

When I’m in bed, I grab a piece of paper and make a new bucket list. This time the bucket list contains lifelong dreams I want to fulfil and intend in doing so as soon as soon as possible.

**_1\. Become a vet._ **   
**_2\. Move into a house close to the woods._ **

I never liked living in this apartment or in this part of town. I always saw myself growing old in a small house near the forest or in the woods. _Growing old._ I was going to be old.. That thought made me grin. But how did I see myself as an old lady? Definitely with a dog by myself.

**_3\. Get a dog._ **

But would I still be single in this scenario? An image of a grey-haired me and a grey-haired man with curls flash through my mind. Holding hands while walking through the forest together.   
Was that really what I wanted? I pretty much laughed at everyone who ever suggested I should get hitched. I rebelled against the idea of marrying someone. Ideas like that always frightened me, but now the idea of me and _him_ growing old together, didn’t make me break out into a cold sweat.

Was I brave enough to give it a try with Peeta? Try something I never had done before out of fear? What if I was? If it didn’t work out, there was no harm, I decided. But what if being with Peeta would eventually hurt me just as bad as my mom had hurt when my dad died?   
Then I realised the love my parents shared didn’t only cause pain. They were really happy with each other. As happy as a couple can be in a relationship. They got children and were a family.

Just when I think I’m brave enough to see if the scenario in my head could become reality, I realise something. Who even says Peeta wants to be with me?   
Sure, we’re friends and we can be flirtations sometimes, but that doesn’t mean he entertains a future with me. Or I with him. 

I’m too tired to dwell on this subject any longer or to finish my bucket list, so I switch of the light and close my eyes. _It has been one hell of a day._

 

* * *

 

 

I don’t have to suffer long under the uncertainness I have about Peeta and me. The next morning Peeta surprises me with a homemade breakfast.   
‘To celebrate your good news’ he explains, smiling brightly. ‘Are you hungry?’   
‘Starving’ I answer smiling.

We go to his apartment where I’m greeted by a table full with delicious food. Pancakes, scrambled eggs, croissants, waffles, fruit and juice.   
‘I also have some cereal if you’d like’ Peeta jokes.   
‘That sounds delicious Peeta, maybe after we finish this?’ I quirk.   
Peeta laughs and asks me what I want to eat first.   
‘Pancakes’ I answer after a moment of thought. ‘I can’t believe you did all this..’   
‘You know I love to cook and I thought it would be a great way to spend some time together and celebrate’

‘Mmmm…’ I moan when I stuff myself with a pancake. ‘I can’t think of a better way to celebrate then with a breakfast like this’   
Peeta puts down his orange juice and gives me an intense look. I can see he’s having a discussion with himself.   
I lick some sugar of my lips and Peeta’s eyes dart to the movement and his pupils dilate. The look he gives me makes my cheeks warm up. I know exactly what kind of hunger he’s feeling and it’s not the kind of hunger for a big breakfast.

‘Really?’ Peeta asks me and his voice is raspy. I can see in his eyes that the discussion is over and he has made a decision. ‘How about with a dinner and a movie?’   
I can feel my eyes widen by surprise. That sounds an awful lot like a date. _Is he asking me out?_ ‘Are you asking me out?’ I ask with a mixture of panic and surprise in my voice.  
Peeta must sense my tone because he answers ‘Only if you’ll say yes’ in a quiet tone.   
A million thoughts rush through my mind. _Yes. No. Yes. No. Shit, what do I say?_ The only thing that passes my lips is an awkward ‘Uuuhh..’

‘Katniss, I really like you’ Peeta begins and I can see a determination in his eyes and hear it in his voice. ‘And I think you really like me too. I know you’re not really into dating, but I believe we could be really good for each other and I promise you that I’ll never hurt you’  
I drop my eyes from his gaze and start to play with my food while he continues. ‘You don’t have to say yes if you don’t want to – I’d never make you do something you don’t want to do – but if there is even a small part of you that feels the same way about me as I feel about you, you owe it to yourself to see if we can be happy together’

I look back at him and see the hope clear as crystal in his eyes. A hope he made me feel that I would survive, during all those months that I thought I was fighting a useless battle. A hope that didn’t make me give up. A hope I associate with him.   
I may owe it to that part of myself that wants to know how things could be with Peeta, but I also owe it to him so he can find that out for himself.   
And then I remember how it felt like when he kissed me all those months ago. I realise I want to feel that again. I want the kind of love that frightens me most. The one my parents shared, even though it kills you when you lose it. _Would I have that with Peeta?_

I know there’s only one way to find out, so with a beating heart filled with fear, I dive into the unknown. ‘Okay’ I say in a shaky whisper.

Peeta smile is so happy and relieved, it almost makes my fear disappear. _Almost._   
‘You’ll allow it?’ he asks.   
‘I’ll allow it’ I answer and I give him a smile.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I had to divide this story into parts, this chapter would be the last chapter of part 1.
> 
> Part 2 will be about Katniss as she deals with life after cancer and how her and Peeta's relationship will continue to grow.
> 
> Please share your thoughts and feeling with me! :) xx


	18. Yes or No?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated M (or Explicit if you want) :)  
> Enjoy! :)

A week later Peeta and I have our first date.

Peeta takes me to one of the most expensive restaurants of the city. I object several times, but he won’t listen to me.  
‘Katniss, please’ he begs every time. ‘I wanted to take you out on a date right after we bumped into each other at the staircase. I finally have my wish so I want everything to be perfect’  
I let out a defeated sigh and give him a wink when we sit down at our table. ‘Fine.. But I just want you to know that if you’d taken me to the McDonalds I would’ve agreed on a date too’

His eyes light up by my statement. ‘Really?’  
‘Really’ I say in all honesty.  
‘Than you’ll have your wish. Our next date will be at the McDonalds’ Peeta says with a playful smile.  
I laugh. ‘Our next date? Isn’t it too soon to be planning that one, when our first has barely begun?’  
Peeta laughs. ‘Absolutely not. I took you to _Flickerman’s_ , you owe me a second date’  
I chuckle and shake my head. ‘You don’t give up easily do you?’  
‘No, it’s one of my better qualities’ Peeta answers grinning.

The waitress comes and takes our orders. ‘Tell me more about your qualities’ I say and I take a zip from my wine.  
Peeta blushes and chuckles. ‘Only if you tell me yours’ he sasy with a lively wink.  
‘Sure. Now amuse me, Mellark’ I demand with a playful smile.

‘Let’s see.. I love to be in the kitchen’ Peeta begins.  
‘And thank God you do’ I laughingly say. Peeta continues with a shy smile.  
‘And you know I love to paint’  
‘Yes, you’re very gifted’ I compliment him. ‘But I already know this. I also know you’re sweet, considerate, intelligent and kind, so tell me something I don’t know’

‘Wow. That’s quite a picture you paint of me, Ms. Everdeen. What can I add without seeming to arrogant or conceited?’  
‘So, humble too’ I state.  
‘I hope so’ he admits. ‘I don’t want people to think I’m full of myself just because I know my strengths and weaknesses’

‘Weaknesses?’ I ask. _I’d love to know those._  
He laughs. ‘Nobody discusses those during their first date, so you’ll have to join me on this ride and find out for yourself’  
I rub my chin like I’m concocting an evil plan. ‘Or maybe I’ll find out on our second date. When we’re eating a McFlurry’  
He laughs again and hearing the sound makes something flutter inside of me. ‘Your turn. Tell me your strengths’ he says instead.

‘No, I like it better if you tell me what you believe them to be’ I say.  
Our starters arrive, but before we begin to eat, Peeta tells me how he sees me.

‘You’re strong and brave. Probably the strongest and bravest person I’ve ever met’ Peeta begins. ‘You’re smart, gorgeous and you love with your entire being, that’s why you’re so scared to get hurt. You’re loyal to the ones closest to you and you’re a nature lover. I shouldn’t forget to mention how generous and funny you are. But my favourite thing about you is that you sing like an angel’

I’m taken aback by the way he describes me and I can feel my eyes well up. ‘Wow..’ I utter. ‘I don’t think anyone has ever described me like that, so you’re probably lying’ I say in a joking matter with a watery smile.  
Peeta gives me a sweet smile. ‘You don’t give yourself enough credit, Katniss’  
‘I’m afraid you give me too much’  
He shakes his head. ‘No, you’ve probably never met someone who sees you for who you really are, but _I_ do, Katniss’

 

******

 

When we get our dessert, Peeta asks me why I agreed to go on a date with him.

I start to blush. ‘I remembered how it felt like when you kissed me’ I admit.  
Peeta starts to smile. ‘You felt that too?’ he whispers.  
‘I did’

We hold each other’s gaze for a moment and then we start to talk about something else again.

 

******

 

‘In case I haven’t said it yet’ Peeta begins when we’re standing at my door, ‘you look absolutely amazing tonight’  
I close the one feet of distance between us and look him in his eyes. ‘You did. Three times now’ I whisper and then I close the distance between our lips.

My eyelids drop and I feel his lips reciprocate my tentative kiss. I grow bolder when his hands land on my hips and I pull him closer when I wrap my arms around his neck.  
Our kiss quickly turns heated and our tongues battle for dominance. Kissing him stirs something up inside of me and a familiar spark awakens in my stomach. The fire runs through my veins again and I almost burst out of my skin when my heart gets consumed by a blaze.

His hands travel over my ass and hips and I can feel my clit starting to throb. I push my lower body to his and I can feel his hard shaft clearly through his clothes. Teasing me. Tempting me. Driving me insane.  
The friction makes him groan and the sound he makes, makes me almost lose my mind.

Peeta groans again before he breaks our kiss and I whim pathetically at the loss of contact. ‘If you don’t want to go further, we have to stop now. I don’t think I can take more’ he admits with a sheepish smile and red cheeks.  
His pupils have swallowed his lovely blues entirely and I’m sure I have the same hungry look in my eyes as he has.  
‘I don’t want to stop’ I tell him and to assure him, I open my door and drag him by his collar inside.

‘I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but are you sure?’ Peeta asks with a look in his eyes that begs me to say yes.  
So, I do and I drag him into my apartment and the moment the door closes our lips are attached to one another’s again.

His big and strong hands roam over my small frame like I’m a gift and he can’t wait to tear open the wrapping paper. His soft lips travel down my neck and suck my pulse point tenderly. It’ll probably leave a mark, but I don’t care. I actually _hope_ he’ll leave a mark. Everything he does to me, with his hands, his lips, his moans, makes me want more.

My sex is crying out with need so I take his hand and lead him to my bed.  
Peeta opens his mouth to say something, but I interrupt him. ‘I’m _absolutely_ sure Peeta. I didn’t put on a matching lingerie set for nothing’  
That comment made the tent in his pants even more visible and he pulls me in for another hungry kiss.

We pull of each other’s close in a hasty manner and when we’re both naked, we admire each other’s bodies.  
_O my God_ , those abs.. His chest is covered with golden curls and they are a delicious shade darker at his pelvis. I can’t wait to lick his smooth skin and to suck those soft hairs.

Then I let my gaze shift lower. His shaft is just as impressive as I thought it would be. Not too long, but still a very enjoyable length and very thick. _Mmmm…_ The anticipation is making me dizzy and makes me lick my lips. The way his angry twitching cock looks at me makes me even more wild.  
‘No foreplay.. I _need_ you Peeta..’ I whisper a little breathless and his hot flickers impatiently, desperate to touch something, to find some relief, when he hears my plead.

I don’t have to tell him twice. Peeta gets his wallet of the floor and takes a condom out of it. ‘I didn’t expect anything’ he quickly says ‘but I was hopeful’ he admits sheepishly.  
I chuckle. ‘I was too’  
He beams back at me while he wraps his cock.

He places one hand on my hip and with the other one he caresses my cheek before he breaks my walls, we make out a little, but we can’t seem to contain ourselves. It takes him a few thrusts to fill me up completely because it has been a while, a long while, since I had sex. _Too long.._

‘You’re so tight’ Peeta says with a low and scratchy voice.  
‘Mmmm..’ I moan and I grab on to his shoulders when he pushes back into me. Heat spins through me, starting at the intimate place where we touch.  
His tongue starts to play with one of my nipples and my toes curl in satisfaction.  
‘Faster..’ I beg and he obliges.

I rock my hips to create even more friction. Peeta groans deep in his throat in response and slides in and out of me, and gets a load moan from me in return. He’s so good that I forget everything around me. I’m so in the moment that if everything around me would catch fire, I wouldn’t even notice it as he rides me closer and closer to my orgasm.

I can feel Peeta getting close as he starts to tremble inside of me, but he doesn’t let go yet. As the gentleman he is, he makes sure I get mine, before he gets his.  
The second I tumble headfirst into a fierce, torrid orgasm, my walls milk out his. It’s so intense and I’m so consumed by the pleasure that crashes over me like a wave, I barely feel him stop his movements and fill the condom with his cum.  
‘ _Oooooooohhh…_ ’ I yell out, not caring if people on the other side of town can hear, while Peeta yells out my name.  
‘ _Katniiiiiiiisss… O God.._ ’ Peeta screams out in ecstasy.

When he slips out of me he disposes of the condom.  
‘Do you want to get cleaned up?’ Peeta asks.  
I shake my head. I’m exhausted, the powerful high has drained me from my energy.

Peeta lays down next to me and takes my naked form in his arms. My head lays on his chest and I can hear his steady heartbeat. Peeta kisses my crown before he wishes me a goodnight. This is something I’ve never done. Let the guy sleep over, but I don’t mind that he’s staying with me.

I’m lying boneless in Peeta’s arms with nothing but my own thoughts to occupy me. My needs have been fulfilled – and I’m incredibly satisfied – and my orgasm seeps out of me. It’s when Peeta is sound asleep my demons rear their ugly heads and I can’t help but be afraid that I made a huge mistake when I agreed to start dating Peeta Mellark.

 

* * *

 

 

The next two months are filled with healing, dates followed by sex with Peeta and job hunts.

I’m cautious to label what I have with Peeta, but I don’t think he notices that I don’t hold his hand in public or introduce him as my boyfriend to acquaintances. I’m just so confused by myself, so torn between my fear of the unknown and the feelings I can feel start to grow, that I want to keep things as casual as possible for now.

When Peeta brings up that he wants me to meet his parents, I distract him with sex and when Prim asks me what’s going on between Peeta and I, I seem to have swallowed my tongue and change the subject.

It’s on a Saturday afternoon when Finnick and I drink our weekly coffee that he too, asks me about the state of my relationship.

‘It’s complicated’ I answer curtly and change the subject by asking how his mother is.  
‘Don’t change the subject, Kitty Kat’ Finnick says amused. ‘What’s so complicated?’  
I let out a troubled sigh.  
‘Come on, tell me’ Finnick presses me. ‘I’m your oldest and wisest friend’  
I chuckle. ‘That you are’ I say mischievously. ‘I can already see a few grey hairs’ Finnick’s generous, warm laugh draws out one of mine and laughing with my best friend like this after everything, makes me feel so content, so.. happy.

‘Liar’ he says chuckling. ‘I still look like I’m in my twenties’ and he winks at me.  
I feel my cheeks warm up, because _it’s true_. He doesn’t look a day older than 25 and he still looks so.. damn good..

It’s the mortification I feel about my reaction that makes me start to talk, but it’s also because I know I’m not going to get out of this one.

‘It’s just that..’ I begin and I wait a second so I can think of how I can phrase my conflicted and confused feelings. ‘I.. I like Peeta. I really like him, but I’m just not ready for where he wants us to be..’

Finnick nods in understanding and lets me ramble on.

‘He wants us to be exclusive but – not that I want to hook up with someone else – I’m just not ready for that label yet and he wants me to meet his family and that just _scares_ me. I’ve never been in _something_ with someone yet where we introduce each other to our relatives’

‘You’re afraid’ Finnick states.

‘I guess I am’ I agree. I’m scared of the commitment and the dependence of Peeta I could start to feel. I don’t have to tell this to Finnick, he can read it in my eyes.  
‘You’re terrified to have what your parents shared. You always were’ his eyes grow sad for a moment.  
I reluctantly nod.

Finnick takes my hand in his and squeezes it. It reminds me of when I woke up out of my coma and he was holding my hand. I don’t remember much of those days when I was gone, it’s like a big gap in my memory. I vaguely remember waking up in a bubble after my surgery and waking up with a tube pressed down my throat while Finnick kept repeating my name with tears in his eyes.  
But sometimes a few snippets of conversations come rushing back to me. I remember Haymitch talking to me about geese and Madge talking to me about her wedding, but not much more.

‘All I want for you to be is happy’ Finnick says in a soft tone, bringing me back to reality. I can see the sincerity of his words reflected in his eyes. I also see something like regret. ‘If you don’t want to be with him, break it off. Don’t lead him on’  
‘I would never lead him on’ I say, my tone a little defensive. ‘I care for him. What I feel for him is.. genuine’

‘How would you feel if he ended things with you?’ Finnick asks.

That’s one hell of a question and I take a moment to answer. If Peeta would disappear from my life, a hollowness would appear. He makes me laugh and he makes me feel worthy of love. When he walks into my apartment after a long, lonely day I feel happy and relieved that he’s back. He makes me forget the horrors in my world.

If Peeta would leave, I would lose the ray of sunshine that lights up the darkness inside of me and warms me.

‘Devastated’ I finally reply.

Finnick gives me a small smile. ‘There you go’ Finnick says.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked! :D Writing the date, K&F's conversation and everything in between was so much fun :) 
> 
> What do you think of Katniss' conflicted feelings? 
> 
> Can't wait for you to read the next chapter, it's going to be quite exciting ;) xx


	19. A Whole Different Kind of Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy, all mistakes are mine.

That evening I decide to talk with Peeta. He has a work dinner, but we made plans to watch a movie later tonight, so I plan on telling him how I feel about our relationship tonight.

I’m terribly nervous. I never was good with words, let alone words about feelings and I’ve never had a talk like this before. My knee nervously jiggles up and down while I drink some lemonade. One and a half year of barely drinking alcohol has made me a lightweight and I need my mind to be as straight as an arrow when I have this conversation with him. I don’t need a clouded brain to make things even more difficult.

When Peeta finally walks into my apartment, I jump out of my chair immediately. ‘We need to talk’ I say.

The words he was about to say, die on his lips and his relaxed and happy smile turns into a nervous frown. ‘Okay..’ he mumbles.

‘I- I don’t feel like we’re on the same page in our relationship’ I begin. Peeta tightens his hold on his briefcase and his eyes fill with fear and sadness. He’s readying himself for the blow he thinks I’m going to give him, so I quickly continue.

I tell him how new this all is to me and that I want to take things slow if he wants to move forward. I’m not ready yet to be introduced to his family or to label things, but I do want to hold his hand in public if he’s open to that.  
I tell him how I see my future. That I never wanted to get married or have children, so if he does want those things with me I know it will take me years to be convinced, if I can be.  
I tell him how scared I was of dying, but now that I’m going to live, I want to make my dreams become reality. That I want to go back to school so I can become a vet, that I want to move out of New Haven, that I want to travel the world and that I want to buy a dog in a couple of months.

Peeta doesn’t interrupt me once and lets me tell him everything that’s on my mind. I finish with the words ‘You were right Peeta. I really like you and I want to see how this goes, but before we go further, I needed you to know how _I_ want to go further’

The relieved expression Peeta had when he realised I wasn’t ending things, has been replaced by a conflicted one.

‘Your turn’ I say. I need him to tell me how he feels, what he thinks and how he sees his/our future. My heart is beating like crazy when Peeta starts to talk.

‘I’m okay with taking things slow, Katniss, but I do need this to go somewhere’ Peeta begins. ‘We’re not 20 anymore, I need this to have a future. I _want_ this to have a future’

He tells me how he envisioned his.

Peeta understands where I’m coming from. I gave up my whole life for my sister and before I could really live, death had its claws wrapped around me. He gets that I want to fulfil my life-long dreams and he says that he supports me, even if he’s allergic to dogs and likes living in a city.

But he has dreams too. Peeta tells me he always saw himself become someone’s husband and someone’s father and now that he has met me, he’s certain he wants that. He wants that with me. He wants the dirty diapers, parent-teacher conferences, quarrels, anniversaries, grandchildren and every high and low in between.

I nod. ‘I get it’ I wipe a tear from my cheek. ‘But what do we do now?’  
Peeta puts down his briefcase and walks over to me. He takes my face in his hands and looks me in my eyes. ‘I want a life Peeta. _My_ life’ I say.  
Peeta nods. ‘I know and you deserve nothing less. But I want you, Katniss, so I’ll wait’  
I shallow hard. ‘Are you sure?’ I ask.  
Peeta nods again. ‘I’m sure that in a couple of years you’ve changed your mind’  
‘What if I won’t?’ I ask in a soft voice. ‘What if I can’t even _have_ children?’  
He shrugs in response. ‘We’ll cross that bridge when we’ll get there. _Together'_ he caresses my cheek before he continues. 'And you don’t give yourself enough credit, Katniss. You’ll be an amazing mom and wife. You saved Prim and you’re amazing with Adam. I know you can do it, you’re just not ready yet’

I want to tell him that it has nothing to do with being ready, but everything to do with wanting to be a parent. ‘Peeta-‘  
‘We’ll make it work, I promise’ he interrupts me. ‘We’re really good together Katniss, you can’t deny that. No matter what we eventually decide, I know we’ll be happy’

Those words sound so good to me, so comforting, that I don’t fight him on it. I don’t have the strength to even continue this discussion if I wanted to, so I just agree with him and after a kiss, I put on the second Harry Potter movie we agreed to watch tonight.

 

* * *

 

 

‘What are you going to do today?’ Peeta asks me on a Tuesday morning a couple of weeks later.

We’re at his place having breakfast after I slept over last night.

‘I have my first guitar lesson today, remember?’ I answer. I always wanted to learn how to play, so I added it as my fourth wish on my Bucket List 2.0.

‘Oh yeah, of course. Slipped my mind for a sec’ Peeta says while he finishes his yogurt. ‘Sorry’  
‘Doesn’t matter’ I say, even if I’m a little disappointed he didn’t remember. I must’ve told him a hundred times, but he probably has a million other things to remember. A million more important things, I tell myself.

I hear my phone getting a text and I unlock the screen to read it.

 **Finnick today 8:03am:** _Good luck and have fun today Kitty Kat! Even though I still believe I would be a better guitar teacher (;_

I laugh and text him back. He’s so full of himself.

 **Katniss 8:04am:** _You know 3 chords and I think the teacher can learn me a few more :P but thanks again for offering (;_

‘What’s so funny?’ Peeta asks me in between washing the dishes.  
I shake my head. ‘Nothing. Just Finnick being his usual idiotic self’  
Peeta stops his movements and eyes me for a second.  
‘What?’ I ask.  
‘Nothing..’ he mumbles and he continues with his task.

I get up and lend him a hand.

 

******

 

Peeta kisses my lips tenderly when we say goodbye. He licks my parted lips and sucks on my lower lip, drawing out a torturous moan from me.

Kissing Peeta gives me the same feeling as when I’m outside, on a spring-like day when the most beautiful butterfly lands on my hand while the best choir of songbirds give me a serenade. A happiness fills my entire being, but unlike when I’m admiring a butterfly while being serenated, a hunger rises within me every time.

I sigh when our lips part. ‘Are you sure you have to go to work?’ I ask a little hoarse.  
Peeta chuckles. ‘Unfortunately I am. I have to be in court today’  
‘I know..’  
‘Have a good day Katniss’ Peeta wishes me.  
‘I’ll see you tonight, _boyfriend_ ’

Peeta’s entire face lights up with the most happy and loving smile when I refer to him with that word. A couple of days ago Peeta asked me if I wanted to be his official girlfriend and I replied with the question if he then could be my boyfriend.

I felt ready. My life has been stable and Peeta makes me happy, so I figured I was ready for this next adventure. We celebrated our official union with a few orgasms and some pizza.

‘You definitely will, _girlfriend_ ’ he gives me a quick peck and I go to my apartment.

 

******

 

It’s a half hour after I left Peeta’s when I feel my breakfast make its way upwards.  
I reach my toilet just in time and a few minutes later I flush down my entire breakfast. This has been happening for days now.. I wonder if I’m getting the flu or if it’s something more serious. I could handle the fear of the nausea, but the headaches I get every now and then do make my heart beat up in a panic.

I haven’t told anyone anything yet, but I have been thinking about calling Dr. Aurelius. But I’m so scared of what he might say, that I keep delaying that phone call. I just want to be cancer free so bad..

I brush my teeth again and when I leave for my guitar lesson, I grab a banana for on the road.

 

******

 

It’s when I’m in the bus back after a great first guitar lesson that I start to diagnose myself, to see if I can find more cancer symptoms except for the headaches I sometimes have again.

There’s the nausea, but I don’t believe that says much.

Then there’s the ache in my breasts, but when I checked my breasts for tumours under the shower a couple of days ago, I didn’t feel anything.

I bite my lips to stifle a painful moan that wanted to pass my lips when I feel my uterus cramping inside of me. Great, I’m getting my period.. _It’s that time of the month again.._ Only, I realise, _it’s not._ I always get my period the 3rd and it’s already the 27th…

 _O God.._ How have I been feeling lately? Out of breath, tired and I’m hungry all the time. The first I blamed on having lost half a lung through surgery, the second to the fact my body is recovering from therapies and the third to the fact my breakfast keeps ending in the toilet before lunch..

But all of the symptoms I associate with my cancer or the reaction to the therapies, are also symptoms of pregnancy..

But it can’t be.. _Right?_ How on earth can my body – after the hell it endured – make an egg? I’m like 98 percent sure I’m sterile. Not that Dr. Aurelius ever said such a thing, but still.. I figured that after the cancer, radiation, surgery and chemo my chances of becoming pregnant would be zero. Plus, Peeta and I always have protected sex.

But the doubt has taking a hold of me, so I get out of the bus a couple of bus stops early so I can buy a pregnancy test at the drugstore.

 

******

 

This morning while I was having breakfast (or even later on at my guitar lesson) I would’ve never ever guessed that a couple of hours later I would be sitting on the bathroom floor, staring down at a pregnancy stick, that could change my life forever.

I have three different pregnancy tests in my hands of three different brands. I need to be absolutely sure that I’m wrong and that I’m just getting the flu.

I have to wait three excruciating minutes.

_O God, please don’t let it be true…_

_I’m not pregnant. I’m not pregnant. I’m not pregnant. I’m being paranoid._

When the three minutes pass, I turn over the three sticks.

 

All of them light up like a Christmas tree and I start to cry uncontrollably. ‘No… No.. No..’

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I'd love to hear how you feel about the progress in this chapter. Was Katniss being pregnant a good or bad surprise? Don't be shy! ;) 
> 
> xx


	20. Braveness

I’m still bawling my eyes out.

This can’t be happening. I just got my life back. I don’t want to be a mom. Yet, if ever. I was going to live the life I dreamed about having as a kid before my dad got taken from me. _You’re being selfish_ , a small voice inside of me says.

‘Shut up!’ I yell. After the life I’ve lived, I got all the fucking right in the world to be selfish. My entire life has been about someone else and now I finally had the chance to make my life about me. I don’t care if that sounds selfish..

The sticks I still have clutched in my hand, still show me three different lines. _O God. I’m actually pregnant._ I walk to my bedroom and get my bucket list out of my nightstand.

_**1\. Become a vet** _  
_**2\. Move into a house close to the woods** _  
_**3\. Get a dog** _  
_**4\. Learn how to play the guitar** _  
_**5\. Go to Iceland** _  
_**6\. Horseback riding in Australia** _  
_**7\. London Eye** _

 

I might as well throw away this damn list now. Almost all of the wishes are never going to be fulfilled and looking at it would only sting, because, no matter how bad the timing is, I am keeping this child. I’m keeping this baby.

I could never do something like that to Peeta and I don’t want to hurt this baby either. I have to push my fear of being an incapable mother and my feelings of losing my dreams aside. _I’ll make different dreams and fulfil those_ , I promise myself.

This baby is going to grow up to be a happy child. And he/she will be spoiled rotten by its daddy and auntie. Peeta and Prim are going to be so thrilled.

I wipe away the last tears on my cheeks. ‘Those were the last tears Katniss’ I tell myself. I don’t ever want this baby to feel unwanted or like a burden. No child should grow up like that.

Yes, I’m scared as hell. Yes, this is not what I wanted. Yes, I was still uncertain about my future with Peeta since we’ve only been going out for a couple of months, but this baby is happening.

I stroke my slightly swollen stomach. ‘I promise you I’ll try my hardest, but don’t get too angry with me when I screw up’ I whisper. ‘I don’t know how to do this and I’m scared’ a single tear escapes me. ‘But I promise you, no matter what, you’ll be loved’

 

* * *

 

 

I feel like the last year or so the only thing I do is watch the reactions of my loved ones when I tell them big and unexpected news.

First when I told them I had cancer.

The second time was when I told them I was clean.

And now, when I tell them Peeta and I are expecting a baby.

Peeta, of course, was over the moon. He didn’t display a single one of the emotions I had felt when I found out. He wasn’t angry, frightened or upset. After his initial surprise, he was excited, happy and proud. I realised he was going to be a terrific parent and the fear of me being a horrible one, returned.

Peeta didn’t pick up on my fear and excitedly rambled on about how happy he was, how we should make a doctor’s appointment, how we had to start planning the finances and such and that he couldn’t wait to tell everyone.

‘My dad is going to be so happy, he’s probably going to cry’ Peeta said with excitement lighting up his eyes and he started to laugh.  
Yes, the dad I had never met, because I hadn’t been ready yet. Now the decision of meeting his parents had been made _for_ me, instead of _by_ me. I had only been ready for a week to call Peeta my boyfriend and now I had found out I was pregnant with his child.

‘I’m going to tell Prim. And Finnick’ I told Peeta out of the blue.  
He looked up at me in surprise. ‘Don’t you think it’s too early?’ Peeta asked.  
‘I just don’t want to keep this from them..' I said, but of course it wasn't just that. 'I’m scared Peeta. I need their help’ I admitted.  
‘Hey..’ Peeta walked over to me and took me in his arms. ‘You’re not alone. You have me and I’m right here, okay?’  
I tried to nod and ignore the tears I could feel start to come. ‘I know.. but I need them too’  
He sighed. ‘I still think we should wait, but I probably can’t change your mind, can I?’  
I shook my head in reply and wiped off a single tear.  
‘When do you want to tell?’

We decided to tell them the next Friday, since we would have our monthly get together again, this time at Prim and Rory’s.

When all of us are sitting around Prim and Rory’s dinner table Peeta grinningly says that ‘We have to tell you all something’ and he enter intertwines his fingers with mine.  
I think everyone stops breathing for a second and all of their panic filled gazes immediately turn to me.

‘I’m pregnant’ I blurt out. There’s no need in keeping them in agony.

‘Thank God’ I hear Finnick mumble next to me and he lets out a relieved sigh.

‘Are you serious?’ Prim excitedly asks. When I nod she exclaims ‘O my God, that’s the best news ever!’ and she starts to laugh.

‘Congratulations guys’ Rory says with a warm smile.

‘That’s so wonderful, Katniss’ Madge says with a bright smile.

Annie agrees with her. ‘Adam will be so excited to have a new playmate’

Gale raises his glass. ‘To Katniss, who still can’t drink alcohol, but now for a very happy reason and to Peeta who had the talent in making that happen’  
Peeta laughs and all of our friends raise their glasses. Telling my friends has made me feel so much more at ease and the smile I smile after Gale’s toast is a genuine one.

‘I’m really happy for you Kitty Kat’ Finnick says with a smile when everyone puts their glass down ‘and also for you, Peeta’ he adds after a second which we spend looking at each other and trying to decipher our true reactions.  
‘Thank you Finnick’ I say smiling slightly.

 

* * *

 

 

The next day Finnick and I are at Star and Bucks again drinking some coffee. Well, not for me from now on, so I drink a hot chocolate.

‘Let’s cut the crap, Katniss’ Finnick starts, ‘I know you and I know that becoming a mother never was one of your plans, so how are you really feeling about your pregnancy?’

I know there’s no use in lying to my best friend. It won’t help me and he can smell my bullshit from a mile away.

‘I’m really angry with myself’ I admit. ‘I can’t believe this is happening right now. This baby could not have come at a worse time, Finnick. I’ve only been cancer free for three months and that’s just as long as I’ve been seeing Peeta’ I have to bite my lip not to burst out in tears in this damn coffee place.

Finnick patiently drinks his coffee while I continue. ‘And I’m so scared, Finnick’ I confess. ‘What if I let this baby down? Or screw up his or her life? What if I leave like my parents did? What if Peeta and I don’t work out? We don’t really know each other. Not like you and I know each other anyway.. And I’m just not ready yet..’ I wipe an escaped tear from my cheek, hoping nobody saw me crying.

‘Those are a lot of what if’s’ Finnick says. His eyes bore into mine and hold my gaze when he gives me his advice. ‘Yes, if the baby would’ve come further down the road, it would’ve been easier. You could have had the chance to get your life back on track and you could’ve gotten to know Peeta better. But that’s not the case anymore – the baby is coming in a few months’

Finnick grabs my hand and squeezes it. ‘I get that you’re scared. Becoming a parent is always scary. Annie and I were both frightened when we found out we were expecting, but when Adam arrived and I held him in my arms, all of that disappeared. I was filled with love and happiness. He became my number one. It was the best day of both Annie’s and my life’ Finnick’s eyes are filled with warmth and pride while he talks about his son being born and the best of smiles graces his lips.

‘You’re going to screw up’ Finnick continues. ‘Peeta is too. Annie and I screwed up on numerous occasions, because raising a child is the most difficult – and yet most wonderful job – there is. But you’re not alone Katniss and I promise you you’ll never be. No matter how things go with Peeta, I’ll always be here for you’ he squeezes my hand when he promises me this and I dread the moment he’ll let go.

But he doesn’t. He keeps holding my hand, already proving the sincerity in his promise. Finnick is not going anywhere and he’ll be there for me every step of the way. I hate to admit it, even to myself because I hate being dependent on someone, but I need my best friend to get me through this. I need Finnick, the guy who has been my constant companion since I was 12 years old. I need _him_.

‘Thank you’ I whisper, not trusting my voice to speak louder. ‘I don’t think I can do this without you’  
Finnick sends me a wink. ‘You don’t have to Kitty Kat, you never had. We’re going to take on this wide world and everything that will happen to us together, like we always have’

I get a sense of déjà vu. This has happened before. _We’re going to take on this wide world together._

‘You said that to me in the hospital, didn’t you?’ I ask, confused by the memory.

The look of warmth and determination in his eyes gets replaced by surprise. ‘You remember that?’  
I nod. ‘Yes.. You- You asked me to come back..’ I say and I try to remember more of the conversation.  
I let my eyes roam over the table, desperately trying to make my brain remember something. ‘And you said you needed me..’

Finnick’s eyes grow sad. ‘Because I do, Katniss’  
‘You were drunk when I woke up’ I continue, still trying to bring back more memories. ‘And Annie was crying..’ I say, seeing a flash of her sitting in the chair next to my bed while she blows her nose. ‘Why was she crying, Finnick?’

Finnick swallows. ‘Because you were in a coma’ Finnick points out in an unsure voice.  
I take a hard look at him. He doesn’t look so good. He has dark circles under his eyes and he lost weight. I notice the nervous look in his eyes and the way his lips have turned into a uncharacteristic frown. ‘No, because she was talking about you. What’s going on, Finnick?’ I demand in a way that leaves no room for bullshit.

Finnick and I seem to get into a staring contest. Neither one of us speaks and I can see him contemplating if he should just spill the beans or act like nothing is going on, but the demanding look in my eyes wears him down.

‘Annie and I are having some problems’ he admits and now it’s my turn to patiently listen while I drink my hot – now cold – drink, while he tells me what he wasn’t planning on telling me.

Finnick tells me – while avoiding my eyes – that Annie and he are going through a rough patch. It started after Annie started working again. With both of them working (which was stressful for them both) and at work at different hours (Finnick works from 9 till 5, while Annie often works 10pm till 5am), they grew estranged. Finnick tells me it started to feel like they were more roommates than husband and wife. When they were together, they were never alone because they were taking care of Adam. They started to get annoyed by one another and started fighting about the smallest things, so they started to avoid each other.

Two months ago they agreed to go to a marriage counsellor, to work on their marriage. Finnick and Annie both want to fix things between them. Not only for them, but also for Adam. ‘We owe it to our son to try everything and to work out what’s wrong with our marriage’ Finnick finishes. He looks upset, no wonder.

I can’t believe he never told me. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I ask in a soft tone.

He gives me a humourless chuckle and looks me in my eyes again. ‘Come on, Katniss. You had enough on your plate. You were dying, I wasn’t going to bother you with the fights I had with Annie about who’s turn it was to take out the trash.’ he lets out a heavy sigh ‘And now you’re life was finally changing for the better again. You were finally happy again, I wasn’t going to be the dark cloud in the clear blue sky you deserve.. I didn’t want to ruin your happiness’

I give him a sad, but understanding, smile. ‘Don’t be so damn selfless, Finnick’ I say.  
‘I needed you to concentrate on your new boyfriend and now on your baby. Not on my problems’ Finnick says with a broken smile.  
I propose a compromise. ‘What if we both stop keeping things from each other and help each other out with everything we need help with?’  
‘Deal’ Finnick says smiling and he playfully shakes my hand.

 

* * *

 

 

‘Katniss, I’ve been thinking’ Peeta says a couple of days later while we watch ‘The Voice’ together. ‘I think we should get married’ he says completely out of the blue.

‘What?!’ I yell and I almost choke on the juice I’m drinking. _Is he serious? Is he insane?_ I get off the couch so I can look him in his eyes and to create some distance. ‘No- No-..’ I manage to utter and my heart starts to beat in an insanely fast speed.  
Peeta sits up straighter. ‘Don’t you think it would be the sensible thing to do?’ Peeta asks surprised.  
‘No, I don’t think that at all’ I answer in a loud tone. I can feel the panic suffocating me and my breathing becomes irregular.

‘Why not?’ Peeta demands.  
‘You know I never want to get married!’ I yell.  
‘You told me you’d be open to the idea in a couple of years though, and I figured, now that you’re pregnant, you might realise there’s no need in waiting’ Peeta says.  
‘Well, you figured wrong!’ I yell. I can feel my hands start to tremble. ‘I’m not ready to make a commitment like that’  
Peeta’s eyes narrow ‘You don’t know if you want to spend the rest of your life with me?’ he asks disbelieving.  
‘No, I don’t!’ I yell. ‘We’ve only been going out for a couple of months, I can’t make a life changing decision on three short months!’  
‘They may have been short, but they were amazing’ Peeta says. ‘The rest of our lives could be just like that’

‘They could be like that, but we don’t need to be married for that’ I point out.  
‘It would be the right thing Katniss. Also for the baby’ Peeta says.  
‘No, it wouldn’t’ I say disbelieving. ‘The only good thing for our baby is having two parents who love him or her. The parents don’t need to force one another into marriage to prove that’

‘So you never want to get married..’ Peeta states and I can see a flash of anger in his eyes come and go.  
‘I’ll give you the same answer I gave you the last time we had a conversation like this’ I say annoyed. ‘Not right now, maybe in a couple of years’  
Peeta reluctantly nods. ‘So maybe in a couple of years?’  
‘Yes’ I sigh. ‘But if I never want to, it’s not because of you. It’s because of me. Marriage is just not a four letter word to me’

‘What about moving in together?’ Peeta asks. ‘I don’t want you to do this alone and I want to see my baby grow inside of you’

Even moving in with each other would be a huge step for me. I never thought I’d be moving in with a boyfriend, let alone after three months of going out, but it’s not all about me anymore. It’s also about the tiny creature growing inside of me. If I want to be a good mom, he or she should be my only priority. My entire life is going to revolve around the well-being of my child.

I have to be brave. For my child. I have to fight my urge to run, and stay here so my baby can grow up in a good home. I have to dispose all of my fear and give my baby a future filled with love from its father, even if I don’t know if I love Peeta yet.

I know that Peeta living with his child would be the best thing for the baby, but it would also be a great thing for me. I can’t do this alone, Peeta living with me would be a great help. So I tell Peeta I think that’s a good idea.

Peeta’s eyes twinkle as he tells me with a smile he’s happy I think so too.

I sigh and all of my panic and anger leave me instantly while I admire his shining eyes. ‘I hope our baby has your eyes’ I say in amazement of his blue orbs.  
Peeta chuckles and our argument is forgotten.

We make up with a heated make out session that quickly leaves us both wanting for more. I turn off the TV and drag him to my bedroom, where we relieve one another from some stress with some spectacular highs. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter Katniss and Peeta take the next step in parenthood and in their relationship :) but of course, there will be a lot of drama ;)
> 
> How did you feel about this chapter and its drama? :) xx


	21. Black and White

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Black and White - good and bad, but - of course - also the 'photo'. :) Hope you enjoy!

‘I hate hospitals’ I say.   
‘I know’ Peeta says, but his eyes are filled with excitement.

I promised myself I would never had to go to a hospital again, even though I knew that was something I couldn’t promise myself. Of course I knew I had to go to a hospital again in my life, but – outside of my annual check-ups with Dr. Aurelius – I figured I had no reason to be back so soon.

I count my blessings and figure that I’m at least not waiting for the oncologist. I’m at the gynecologist’s office for Peeta and mine first baby related doctor’s appointment.

Peeta takes my hand in his. ‘But this one is about a baby. Our baby. The one we made and is growing inside of you’ he smiles brightly.

His reasoning makes me chuckle.   
‘It’s not about cancer or death, it’s about life’ Peeta continues and he brings my hand to his lips and kisses my fingers. ‘I’m so excited’   
_At least one of us is._ I’m so nervous, I feel like I’m going to vomit.

‘Ms. Everdeen?’ the gynecologist interrupts us.   
Peeta practically jumps out of his chair and drags me to the doctor.   
‘Welcome’ she kindly says. ‘My name is Dr. Martin’

Because this is our first appointment, it’s going to be a long one. The doctor asks if we brought a photo of the two of us for our file, so Peeta hands her a copy of the only photo we have of the two of us.

Then she starts to ask us questions. All ones I hate to answer.

The one about if we drink or smoke a lot, isn’t that bad, but then Dr. Martin asks us if one of us has been seriously ill in the past.   
Peeta visibly tenses when I tell Dr. Martin about my cancer and its treatments.

The next question is about genetic disorders. If we have them, if our parents have them or our siblings.   
‘Not that I know of, but I am adopted’ Peeta answers.   
I almost get a whiplash when I turn my head as fast as possible so I can gawk at him. ‘You’re adopted?!’ I ask surprised.   
His eyes fill with confusion. ‘Didn’t I tell you?’   
‘No…’ I manage to say. ‘I would definitely have remembered that’   
‘It’s not hard to find out if your biological parents had any type of genetic disorders, they are obligated by law to inform the adoption agency’ Dr. Martin interrupts us.   
Peeta nods. ‘I know, I can find out in one phone call to my dad’

Then Dr. Martin turns to me. ‘And you, Ms. Everdeen?’   
‘Not that I know of’ I answer. ‘My mom did have.. mental issues’   
‘What kind?’ Peeta immediately asks.   
I don’t like to talk about the last years of my mother’s life, because I still feel an anger towards her for leaving Prim and me like that, but Peeta should know and the doctor too. ‘She was depressed after my father’s untimely passing and committed suicide’ I answer.   
‘You’re mother killed herself?’ Peeta asks disbelieving.   
I nod. ‘I don’t want to discuss it further’ I say in the hope they’ll both drop the subject.

Eventually, after more questions – it starts to feel like I’m at a job interview –, Dr. Martin tells me and Peeta it’s time for the first ultrasound.

Peeta is as excited as a kid in a candy store, while I feel my entire body trembling out of nervousness.

I visibly startle when Dr. Martin covers my stomach in a cold gel. ‘Sorry’ she offers smiling.

A moment later Peeta and I see our baby for the first time. Not that you can see it’s a baby, but Peeta still wells up.   
I can’t take my eyes off my peanut shaped baby either. Of course I knew that I was pregnant and that there is a small being growing inside of me, but now that the baby is right in front of me – not just inside of me – and I can see it, I realise how _real_ this is.

New life is growing inside of me. It’s _magical_.

‘ _Wow_..’ I whisper impressed.

‘How far along are we?’ Peeta asks.   
‘Six weeks. In two weeks I can find out the gender if you’d like’ Dr. Martin informs us.

‘I want it to be a surprise’ I hear myself say.   
‘Really?’ Peeta asks surprised, but he’s smiling. ‘Than we’ll keep it a surprise’

 

******

 

Dr. Martin gave us a sonogram to take home.

Peeta takes a photo of it and immediately posts it on every social media account he has. I never was one for social media (I do have Facebook though), so I decide to put the black and white picture of our peanut on the fridge. Then everyone who walks into my kitchen (and only the people who matter most to me walk into my kitchen) can admire the sonogram.

‘Katniss, when we move in together, we should move out of this apartment building’ Peeta says when we drink some tea that same afternoon.   
‘You don’t just want to move into one of our apartments?’ I ask surprised. I haven’t really thought about our new living arrangements much, but I figured I’d move into his apartment or Peeta in mine.

‘No, these apartments are way too small and I like to raise a family in a home I own, not rent’ Peeta answers. ‘It’s not like we can’t afford it’   
_Speak for yourself!_ ‘I can’t’ I say annoyed.   
‘Babe, you don’t have to worry about that. I saved up plenty and I have a good job. You don’t ever have to work again, if you don’t want to’   
I slam my teacup on the table. ‘I _am_ going back to work!’ I say fiercely. ‘If it’s not as a vet, I’ll be a secretary or something again, but I can’t be home all day’   
‘Don’t you think it would be good for our child if you’d be a fulltime mother?’ Peeta asks.   
‘Maybe, but I definitely don’t want to set an example for our child where he or she thinks moms should stay home and end their career after a baby arrives!’ I say, dumbfounded by the assumption he made.   
‘But-‘ Peeta begins before I cut him off.   
‘No disrespect to the parents who do stay at home, but that’s just not _me_ , Peeta. I’m not a housemouse’   
‘Okay, fine..’ Peeta says. ‘But can we talk about where we’re going to move to?’

‘So you definitely want to move out?’ I ask, glad with the change of topic.   
‘Yes’   
I start to smile. ‘Can we move out of town? To a more quiet and green area? That’d be so wonderful..’ I ask hopeful.   
Peeta gives me a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. ‘That would be great indeed, but it’s not doable. I need to be close to the office and to court..’   
I drop my gaze to my tea. ‘Oh..’ there’s no stopping the disappointment that overwhelms me.   
‘And I want to be close to a hospital, for if something happens to the baby. Or to you’ Peeta continues.   
I just nod but I don’t look him in his eyes. ‘Then what did you have in mind?’ I whisper.

‘I was thinking another apartment, only larger and in a better place in town’ Peeta begins.   
Exactly what I don’t want.   
As if he can read my mind, he adds ‘I know that’s not what you envisioned, but for now it would be the best thing’ he takes my hand in his and when I look him in his eyes again, he adds ‘and I promise you we’ll go to the lake and go hiking in the forest as much as possible with the baby’   
‘Okay..’ I relent. He’s probably right though, about the whole hospital thing. If there’s one person that likes to be close to one, it’s me.

 

* * *

 

 

Two months later Peeta and I have moved into our new home. At first I wasn’t so excited about moving into an apartment, but I have to admit, the one Peeta bought for the two – three – of us, is very impressive.

It has two bedrooms, a huge living room area and a bathroom with a hot tub. Peeta bought us the biggest flat screen TV I’ve ever seen, a massage chair and a boiling water tap. I never was one who indulged herself in luxury, but now that I’m growing a baby inside of me, I figured I deserve it.

Peeta’s at work while I finish unpacking our stuff. When I open the last box – one of mine – I find some photobooks I haven’t laid eyes on in almost ten years. I carefully take one of the books out of the box, but one picture falls out on the floor.

When I grab it and see which on it is, I instantly well up.

It’s a picture of my mother, minutes after she gave birth to me. She’s holding me tightly and my dad is sitting next to us on the bed, while he smiles at his new born daughter.

My mom looks exhausted, but overjoyed and my daddy looks at me like I hung the moon. _I miss them so much._ The tears come rolling down my face – there’s no stopping it.

My dad would’ve been the best granddad ever. He would’ve been so excited I’m expecting. He would’ve build the baby a crib from scratch and would’ve taught his grandchild to sing and how to hunt.

And no matter how I angry I was at my mom for ending her life, she was still my mom and I’ll always love her. My mom would’ve spoiled this baby rotten. She would’ve knitted her grandbaby all types of clothes and would’ve stuffed him or her with cookies when the baby would be older.

This baby would’ve been loved to the moon and back by my parents.

_I miss them so much.._

I’m curled up on the floor and am crying like a baby. I haven’t cried for my father since he died and I don’t believe I ever cried over my mother’s death. I was just so angry with her and I wanted to be strong for Prim, so I held in all of my tears. But now I’m scared and I’m all alone in a house that doesn’t feel like a home. It feels like a hotel suite.

That’s how Peeta finds me when he gets back from work. He immediately rushes over me and asks me if I’m okay. If I’m feeling unwell. If there’s something wrong with the baby.

When I tell him everything’s fine, that I’m crying over my parents, he takes me in his arms and lets me cry on his shoulder until I feel better.

‘Why don’t you go into the Jacuzzi while I make us dinner?’ Peeta asks and plants a kiss on my hair. ‘What would you like to eat?’   
‘Pizza’ I answer without a second thought.   
Peeta chuckles. ‘Fine, but you have to eat a salad on the side’   
‘Deal’ I say smiling.

I use the Jacuzzi for a couple of minutes. Long enough for my aching body to relax, to warm my cold bones and to feel content again. When I get out of the tub, I dry myself with the softest towel I’ve ever touched and put on my comfortable pyjamas and a robe.

When I join Peeta in our kitchen, he gives me a sweet smile. ‘Better?’   
‘Much better, thank you’ I give him a peck on his mouth. ‘But me and the baby are starving’   
‘Pizza is almost ready’ Peeta promises me. ‘Want to eat in front of the TV?’   
I give him a bright smile. ‘Yes! It’s Friday night, so it’s weekend’   
Peeta’s smile turns into a tentative one. ‘Yes, but tomorrow I have that conference, remember?’

I can feel my smile drop into a frown. ‘The one in Johnsville?’ I ask. ‘Is that tomorrow?’   
Peeta nods.   
‘Oh’ I say in a whisper. I nod and I make my way to our living room area where I plan to sit down on our ridiculous expensive couch to watch some TV on our even more expensive TV.

‘Please don’t be angry with me babe’ Peeta says as he follows me. ‘You know I have to go to these conferences to keep my job.. There’s nothing I can do about it..’   
‘I’m not angry..’ I say when Peeta sits down next to me. _Doesn’t he get it all..?_ Peeta going to a conference means I’ll be alone all day. He’ll leave at 7am and come home twelve hours later, if I’m lucky. I always have the dreadful feeling something awful is going to happen to the baby, so I hate being on my own. ‘I’m sad that you’ll be gone all day and I don’t like being alone right now’ I admit.

Peeta lays one of his hands on my shoulder in a soothing matter. ‘Babe, I’m so sorry.. I hate that I have to leave tomorrow. I hate leaving you alone and all upset. I hate leaving you at all’  
I don’t know what to say to that so I keep my mouth shut, but Peeta fills the silence.   
‘Why don’t you ask if your sister can come over? Our one of your girlfriends?’ Peeta asks in a soothing tone.   
‘No’ I sniffle. ‘Prim has to work and Madge is away for the weekend with Gale. I’ll ask Finnick if he can come over’   
‘Finnick?!’ Peeta asks a little loud. ‘Why don’t you ask _Annie_?’   
‘Why can’t I ask Finnick?’ I shoot back at him in an angry tone.   
‘Well, because.. you already spend a lot of time with him’ Peeta answers lamely.

I silently look him in the eye for a second. Peeta looks a little uncomfortable and his mouth has turned into a frown.   
‘You don’t like him’ I state. ‘You don’t like Finnick!’ I yell disbelieving.   
‘Can you blame me?’ he yells. ‘You two are as thick as thieves-‘   
‘-That’s the problem?’ I yell, interrupting him. ‘Like you don’t have friends from the opposite sex!’   
‘That’s not the problem! The problem is how you two act around each other! You two don’t need words to communicate, depend on one another way too much for my liking and I absolutely _hate_ how he kisses you when you two greet each other!’

‘O my God!’ I yell and I get up from the couch. ‘Are you serious? That’s only because we have been friends for almost 20 years! What do you expect from a close friendship like that? That we don’t know one another so well that three words aren’t enough for us to understand each other?’ I rant, but I’m not finished yet. ‘And he kisses me on my forehead, like I’m his- his.. _sister_. I can’t believe you’re jealous!’   
‘I’m not jealous’ he says angrily.   
‘Yes you are and it’s stupid! Don’t you think that if we wanted to be with each other we would’ve started dating a long time ago? Do you really think Annie would allow her husband to greet me with a kiss on my forehead or let us have coffee every Saturday if you were right?!’

Peeta looks taken aback by my outburst for a second. ‘You don’t know how Annie feels’ he huffs.   
‘No, but she would’ve spoken to me or Finnick, if she had the same ridiculous issues as you apparently have’   
‘Don’t patronise me or ridicule my feelings!’ Peeta spats, looking a little hurt.   
I sigh and try to calm myself down. He’s right. He has all the right in the world to feel the way he does and I shouldn’t attack him when I disagree with him on his feelings. _What am I? A child?_ ‘Sorry’ I say in a much softer tone. ‘I didn’t intend on making you feel like that. Nor did I intend to make you jealous. I’m sorry, but you don’t need to worry. There’s nothing more than friendship between Finnick and I’

Peeta gives me a look and seems to search my face for something. I hope he’s looking for anger, annoyance and sincerity there, because otherwise he’ll be disappointed, there’s nothing else gracing my features.   
‘Okay..’ he quietly mumbles and it seems like he wants to say something more, but we get interrupted by the oven. Our pizzas are finished. ‘I’ll go get those pizza’s’ Peeta says instead.

We’re pretending to watch a re-run of ‘Modern Family’ while we’re eating our pizzas in silence, still upset with each other.   
Eventually, when I’ve devoured my meal, Peeta speaks. ‘I’m sorry I yelled’ he says.   
‘Me too’ I whisper, a little ashamed of myself.   
‘I’m sorry if you think I don’t want you and Finnick to be friends anymore. I’d never ask you to end a friendship for me’   
‘Thank you’ I say relieved. ‘And I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that it’s more than a friendship, because it’s not’

Peeta gives me a small smile. ‘Why don’t we do something special together on Sunday?’ he says to change our moods. ‘Maybe go on a date? Or make a whole day out of it?’   
‘I’d love that’ I say smiling. ‘And maybe you can invite your parents over for dinner Sunday night?’ I know how much me meeting his parents would mean to him. I want to show Peeta I am serious about us and I have to meet his folks eventually and I’d rather do it now, than when I just gave birth to their grandchild.

Peeta gives me the most happiest and broadest of smiles when my question has sunk in. ‘Are you serious?!’ he asks me grinning.   
I nod smiling and he laughs out of sheer joy.   
He carefully takes my face in his hands. ‘You are amazing’ he whispers lovingly and then he presses his lips on mine in a sweet kiss. ‘I don’t know what I did to deserve you’   
I chuckle. ‘I feel the same way Peeta’ I say and I kiss him.

We’re both relieved our fight is over and I lean into him and we cuddle on the couch for a while. Peeta massages my feet and shoulders and when he’s finishes, my mind and body are relaxed again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that K&P have had some fights in the last chapters, but I promise the next few chapters will be more joyful for them :)  
>  Exept for the next one. In that one Katniss finds herself in a little situation...
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, please let me know! :) xx


	22. The Crush

Guilt keeps me awake that night. I never told Peeta that Finnick and I kissed when we were teenagers and I don’t want to tell him now, since he obviously wouldn’t take it very well. I told him that if Finnick and I had wanted to date in the past, we would have done so, leaving him to believe I never wanted to date Finnick. But that was a lie.

As a teenager I did want to take our friendship to the next level and when we kissed, I thought it would change things. But then my whole world fell apart when my dad died and getting a boyfriend was the last thing on my mind. I needed my best friend to get me through my grief, not a boyfriend I couldn’t properly date.

And then my mom got depressed and later ended her life, showing me the downside of an epic love. I got scared of love and didn’t want to be bothered by it, deciding Finnick and I should stay the way we were: as friends. Besides, I didn’t even know if he wanted me like that, and after I introduced him to Annie and they started to date, it was clear to me that he wasn’t interested. Finnick started a family with someone else and we remained friends, just like I had wanted. _Or had I?_

But I changed my ways for Peeta when he had asked for a chance. Something about Peeta made me give it a go. I trusted him with the broken and dysfunctional heart I call my own. But our relationship had moved forward too rapidly when we learned we were expecting a child together. The moving in together, the baby, it was all too soon. We should’ve been given the chance to date a normal amount of time before we moved in together and just let our relationship move forward in a slower, more natural speed. That’s how I wanted things to go. _Nothing I can do about it now._

I roll over to watch my sleeping boyfriend. I sometimes feel like I hardly know Peeta. I thought he accepted the friendship Finnick and I have, turns out he feels threatened by it. I hadn’t known he was adopted either and it’s still a story he hasn’t told me.

I don’t think I could even tell someone what Peeta always wanted to be as a kid when he would be all grown up. What if when we really knew each other, we wouldn’t like one another anymore? What if we didn’t work out? What if this would blow up in our faces and our child would bear the brunt?

I feel my tears run over my cheek before I realise I’m crying. I’m just so scared. I feel like I’ve been thrown in some kind of arena where I have to kill to make it out alive, without any preparation or means to defend myself..

I just don’t want to hurt and disappoint my baby..

I quietly get out of bed and go to the couch with my cell phone in my hand. I need to call Finnick. I need him to tell me I have nothing to be afraid of. That I am able to head in this arena and make it out alive. That I am able to take care of my child on my own and with Peeta by my side.

‘Finnick?’ I whisper when he picks up and I sniffle.

‘Katniss? Is everything all right? What happened?’ Finnick asks concerned.

I’m calling him at 2 in the morning, of course he immediately expects the worst. My crying probably doesn’t help either.. ‘I feel so scared.. and so alone’ I admit.

‘Where’s Peeta?’ Finnick immediately asks, with a harshness to his voice.

‘He’s asleep. I didn’t want to bother him, he has to get up early in the morning for a conference. He’ll be away all day..’ I say and I start crying again.

Finnick tries to calm me down. ‘Katniss just breath, okay? And listen to my voice. You’re not alone. Tomorrow morning the two of us are going to our lake. We’ll hire a boat and go fishing or something. The entire day. How does that sound?’ he asks me in a gentle voice.

I nod, but realise he can’t see me. ‘Good’ I manage to say.

‘We’ll make it a fun and relaxing day. Just the two of us’

‘Thank you..’ I whisper. ‘But what about Annie or Adam?’

He’s silent for a second. ‘They are- uuh.. visiting Annie’s mother..’ he says in a soft tone.

‘Oh’

‘Yeah..’

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ I ask.

‘Maybe tomorrow..’ he answers.

‘I’m always here for you, Finnick’ I say softly and I play with the belt of my robe.

‘I know.. And I’m always here for you, Kitty Kat’ he says and I can hear the smile in his words.

‘I know’ I say with a small smile.

‘Feeling better?’ Finnick asks me kindly.

‘Yes’ I stifle a yawn. ‘Goodnight Finnick, I’ll see you tomorrow’

‘Sweet dreams Kitty Kat’

 

* * *

 

 

I don’t see Peeta the next morning. He leaves our bed and apartment quietly and lets me sleep, something I’m very grateful for. I wake up exhausted because of the few hours of sleep I had and _really_ horny because of the hormones that race through my body. _Goddammit_..

My alarm clock tells me I have only 20 minutes left before Finnick gets here, so instead of relieving myself, I get dressed in a green sundress and make myself some breakfast.

Because I’m so tired I make myself a cup of coffee. Peeta would be very upset with me since caffeine isn’t very good for a baby, but Prim assured me once in a while wouldn’t harm it and I really need some energy.

When Finnick arrives, I immediately go down with a cardigan and my purse. He’s waiting for me outside of the car and when I walk out of the building, he opens his arms for me to walk into.

He greets me with a big smile and a kiss on my brow. I wish I could see his sparkling green eyes, but they are hidden behind a pair of sunglasses.

He opens the door for me in a very gentlemanlike manner and when we drive out of the street, he fills the car with his familiar and lively voice. He tells me a funny story about Adam, one that makes me laugh. He looks over to me for a second, before his eyes dart back to the road.

I eventually close my eyes and the soothing sound of his voice and the way the car moves over the freeway, lulls me into a peaceful sleep.

 

******

Finnick wakes me up when we’ve arrived at our lake. Unlike the last time, we’re not at the more private side, but at the more touristy-side of the lake, that harbours restaurants, boat rentals and fishing stores.

Finnick and I make our way over to one of the boat rentals to hire a boat. A nice man with green eyes, obviously not as breathtakingly as Finnick’s, brings us to one of his rubber dinghies (obviously with a motor, I’m not peddling), while Finnick and I bicker about who’s going to pay for the boat.

The subject of our banter seems to surpass the boat owner, because he compliments us on being such a lovely couple and our pregnancy. His misassumption makes me blush furiously, but Finnick keeps his cool and turns on his charm (as always).

‘How did you know I’m expecting?’ Finnick jokes, with a hand on his stomach and his features turned into mock-surprise. ‘I’m barely showing’

Finnick’s lame joke melts away my embarrassment and gets a laugh out of me, as well as one out of the boat owner, and while I’m distracted, Finnick quickly hands the man some cash for the dinghy.

‘Finnick-’ I object, but he ignores me, and guides me into the boat.

 

******

We spend the day on the lake, enjoying a warm sun and the fresh air; something that’s a luxury in the city. We’re amusing ourselves with making a bet who’ll be the first one to catch a fish and trash talking the other one. Even if it’s only spring, I’m quite comfortable in my sundress and camisole, and Finnick isn’t complaining either in his shorts and shirt.

The only one complaining about his outfit is me. His shorts are tight around his ass and I can’t help myself if my eyes keep wandering over to his behind. His bare arms are a distraction as well, especially when he tightens his muscles during fishing or manning the boat. That, combined with my damn hormones, makes me very hot and bothered, so after fishing for a while, I ask him how things are with Annie, to distract myself of my thoughts of a shirtless Finnick.

He swallows before answering, and even that small movement does something to me. _Goddammit Katniss, get your head out of the gutter!_ ‘Tense’ he answers, a little strained. ‘It’s just—I love her, so much, but it’s been rough lately.. She took Adam to her mom’s for the weekend; we didn’t say it, but we both could use a break from each other..’

‘Jesus..’ I whisper.

‘But she’s my wife, and we made a promise together, so we’re going to keep working on us’

‘Good, because you two are great together and you have a great family. That’s something worth fighting for, Finn’

‘I agree’

‘And nothing’s perfect, not even my parents’ marriage was, so that has to say something..’ I continue. ‘But don’t give up, it’s normal to have highs and lows’

Finnick nods. ‘We definitely had our highs’ he’s silent for a beat before he lets out a chuckle. ‘Since when did you get so wise, though?’

‘Almost dying does that to you’ I joke, and Finnick rolls his eyes at me before bumping his shoulder into mine. I tell myself the flood of warmth that rises within me has nothing to do with Finnick’s touch, but is because of the sun.

‘How’re things between you and Peeta?’

‘I’d rather talk about your problems than mine’ I try, but Finnick’s having none of it.

He grins amused, knowingly. ‘Kat’

I let out a sigh. ‘Things are just a little overwhelming sometimes.. I’m doing the best I can, but sometimes I feel like I’m drowning..’

‘Did you speak with Peeta this morning?’

‘No, he left really early. Have you spoken to Annie today?’

‘Yeah, told her about our plans. They’re going picnicking this afternoon’

‘Did Mrs. Cresta make her homemade potato salad?’

‘I think so’

‘Lucky bastards’ I smile and Finnick laughs and agrees. Before anything else can be said, my fishing road starts unwinding itself, indicating I caught a fish. ‘Yes!’ I say victoriously, happy. Finnick helps me to reel in the fish and congratulates me on winning our bet.  

 

******

We end the day at an Italian restaurant. Finnick caught four fish and I three, but we threw them all back into the water, preferring to eat a meal we don’t have to kill first.

By the time we’ve ordered our food, I’m ready to explode out of sexual frustration. I’m cursing Peeta for not being here with me so he can get me off, but that’s not getting me anywhere.

I can’t concentrate on anything that Finnick’s saying, so I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, hoping that cooling myself down with some water will have the desired effect. It doesn’t work.

I’m still hot and bothered, my sex screams for attention and my thighs unconsciously keep rubbing together to get some relief. _Fuck it._ I double check if all the stalls are empty and lock myself into the last one, when I learn I’m all alone. I’ve gotten myself off plenty of times, never in a public place before, but desperate times ask for desperate measures and I know myself well enough to do it quickly. It won’t be as amazing as when Peeta gives me head or when I treat myself with one of my toys, but even a small orgasm would really help me.

I take off my panties and learn I’m already dripping wet; being around Finnick (who practically looks like a freaking model) all day, and with all those hormones racing through my body, it’s no wonder what the state of my panties are.

When my thumb comes in contact with my clit, a very welcome shiver goes through me. I keep circling my little bundle of nerves and when I’ve teased myself enough, I slip two fingers inside of me. A whimper leaves my lips when I hungrily take in my fingers, and I soon start moving them. My mind fills with images of Peeta; his abs, eyes, arms, the dirty words he whispers in my ear when he fucks me, his ass, the feeling of him coming undone inside of me… I moan at the pleasure it gives me.

But it’s not enough to reach my peek. I wish Peeta was here to play with my nipples, to give me that little extra stimulation for me to reach my euphoria, so that’s what I imagine; lying in bed with Peeta, both of us naked, as he finger fucks me when he sucks on my nipples.

Soon the image changes from Peeta to someone who has a bronze skin, red hair and striking green eyes. _Finnick._ Finnick with his smirk and his pink tongue and long fingers. Finnick with his lean arms and nice ass. It’s that image that makes me cum a moment later and I have to bite my lips to cover up the hard moan that I produce when my orgasm hits me and relieves me. I’m panting a bit and my hand’s covered in my own juices, but I feel a million times better than I just did.

I also feel a million times worse. _Holy fuck Katniss, what the hell? Did you seriously_ _just_ _make yourself cum while thinking of your best friend? Who’s married? While you have a smoking hot boyfriend that you can have those sinful thoughts about?_

I can barely look myself in the mirror when I’m washing my hands, guilt and even some disgust taking away some of my afterglow. But then I remember Clove who one time went on and on about Will Smith, and how hot he was, and that she couldn’t help but picture him if she needed to get off. To make myself feel better I reason that Clove’s celebrity crush on Will Smith is the same thing as my _tiny_ crush on Finnick. The guy looks like an immortal Greek God and I was only a horny mortal female who needed her relief. Picturing a celebrity when you’re having sex with your partner isn’t cheating – and this wasn’t either.

I try to make myself look as normal as I can, before I head back to Finnick, excusing my flustered state on my pregnancy hormones.

I’ve barely been gone for 10 minutes and I quickly begin a conversation about the latest episode of ‘Game of Thrones’, so Finnick doesn’t suspect a thing while we discuss Daenerys and fill ourselves with breadsticks. We talk and laugh and his eyes distract me a few times, but that’s only because I don’t know anyone whose eyes are that shade of green.

 

******

After dinner we drive back to New Haven where Finnick drops me off at my and Peeta’s apartment. During the ride we sing along to the radio, discuss the artists that fill our car with their songs and Finnick makes me laugh with his rendition of Adele’s Rolling in the Deep.

When we say goodbye Finnick kisses my brow as usual and I try not to think about it. Or about the tingles I may or may not feel when his lips touch my skin.  

Peeta’s already at home, thankfully; I wasn’t looking forward to coming home to an empty apartment. We tell each other about our day; Peeta tells me about the conference and an old classmate I’ve never heard about that he ran into; I tell him about the fish Finnick and I caught and the lasagne I ate.

We drink a cup of tea together and cuddle on the couch, before our cuddling awakens something inside of me that’s hungry and demands more of Peeta. I drag Peeta to our bedroom where his hands and his tongue make me forget that there are other people in the world and he makes me cum so hard that he gets all smug.

I lick my juices of his face before I spread my legs and take his cock inside of me. When he pushes through my walls and touches my g-spot, he makes me see stars and all I can think about is him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who encouraged me to continue this story, I really appreciate it. I'm going to try to update this fic every other Monday, or more if life allows it, so you don't have to wait another 9 months for an update (sorrysorrysorry). 
> 
> I'm really glad I'm back on track with this fic and I hope you guys are too! :D Please let me know what you guys thought, always makes me smile :D xx


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